i couldn't do it

i went to my session and wasn't able to talk much at all. it just hurt so bad.my T asked about the holiday,my son the mother,etc..and i couldn't say anything.i was so so so stuck.i just wanted to put my hands over my ears and scream shut up.i wanted to say it to her and to all the miserable thoughts in my head.
she pointed out the fact that i was completely shut down(really no kidding) i was able to tell her i had a bad week.she wanted to know what a bad week meant and what went on.she asked again about stuff and asked how work was i told her that i didn't really go to work and she told me again i needed to go to work because i stay home and isolate myself and think bad things and spiral out of control.more huge silence. then i told her that she doesn't know me, i feel like a spoiled miserable brat and i just want to leave so so bad.she told me leaving isn't going to help me at all.(i know this)i hate this i didn't want to be saying what i was saying or doing what i was doing but i just couldn't stop it at all.i know i was being mean and hurtful and my T didn't deserve that but i just seem to push her Way big time it seemed this was my goal and i did it well
she told me that she has heard me say this before and wanted to know what it was about .she said she does know it is just a feeling and that was all.she doesn't know if it is a memory and thoughts or is something is happening . doesn't she see that even then i was acting like a spoiled miserable brat. i couldn't stop it.it isn't just a feeling and it wont just go away.i hate when she talks about memories and flashbacks. everything i did and said just hurt so bad and i want to just hide.she just didn't deserve me to act the way i was.

Therapy is hard.

You're brave. Change is hard. Not easy. Nothing good is ever easy.

Don't be so harsh on yourself.

You express youself so clearly! It's like I was in your head the whole time.

You're not a spoiled brat. You're suffering. It's OK to ask for help.

T knows how difficult it is for you to speak. And you did speak. I'm sure she treasures every word!

You thread title is "I couldn't do it". But you did! You went (though you didn't really want to) and you had a fairly normal session. Yes really. I know you hurt, but you said what you had to say. You want things to be different, you don't want to say this stuff. But by saying this stuff you will be healed.

granite it seems you were letting your pain out. This is what you need to do and yes, it isn't pleasant.

I would make a list of all the feelings in this post and express and work on them one-by-one in therapy, maybe rank order them from easiest to say and think about to hardest?:

"I do not feel able to talk much at all."

"It all hurts so bad."

"You ask me questions but I feel I cannot say anything."

"I feel so so so stuck."

"I just want to put my hands over my ears and scream shut up."

"I want to tell you to shut up."

"I want the miserable thoughts in my head to shut up."

"You seem to point out the obvious to me (that I am shut down) and I feel so sarcastic toward you."

"When I am able to tell you something (I have had a bad week) you respond by asking me more questions (what a bad week meant and what went on) I do not feel I can talk about."

"When I tell you about my negative behavior (not going to work) you point out the obvious again (that not going to work will isolate me and cause a downward spiral) or ask more questions I do not feel I can answer."

"I feel like a spoiled miserable brat thinking and saying bad things about or to you and i just want to leave."

I hate that I think and say bad things about and to you and that I feel I cannot stop."

I feel you do not deserve my behavior and my pushing you away; it seems like this is a goal of mine.

It is feelings and will go away in the sense that a dream goes away but it will probably come back until you work on it.

"I hate when you talk about memories and flashbacks."

"I just want to hide from the hurt and difficulty of it all."

Look at the progression your thoughts and feelings make. You go from not being able to talk about anything and only feel stuck (diffuse) to saying sophisticated things like hating when she talks about memories and flashbacks. You can see and judge yourself to be "acting" in a particular way (like a spoiled, miserable, brat). I don't think the judgement is correct, I think you are very frightened and have not yet worked on developing good skills to help with the fear and dealing with it confidently.

But look at all you know! You know you cannot hide, you know you need to go to work instead of isolating, that you cannot get away and those are good things to know, if difficult and painful!

Did you ever read about when I went rappelling down a cliff with a bunch of 20-somethings, only one of whom had limited experience? We should not have done it! But another woman I admired/felt similar to did it so I decided I had to do it also. I started down the 100 foot drop but the beginning was "curved" and that's not good; I got down a little way and got stuck on a tiny ledge a few inches wide. I was too far from the top to go back up and was scared witless about continuing down.

What to do? I reasoned I could not climb back up. I inserted a little "humor" into it by realizing that no helicopter could land on a ten-inch ledge and "rescue" me. I also realized that I could not stay there forever, I would have to continue down, even if it killed me. So, I did. That part of the drop went well and was over sooner than I would have liked; I got the idea of how to rappel and enjoyed it (but not enough to try the next, higher cliff; one of our people "fell" the whole several hundred yards down, holding the rope and even with heavy gloves on had rope burns on his hands).

You are making progress to have had this experience you posted so eloquently here! Write a paragraph about each of the feelings you expressed in this post and give one paragraph a week to your T? Think about how you could get a little unstuck? Just telling us you are feeling stuck is loosening behavior! It takes a really long time! It is not going to happen like therapy is WD-40 and you a rusted-on nut

been there done that. I hate the memory and flashback stuff. T seems to know how to present that stuff in new ways that hurt. peace be with you. you can do it.i wish all this yucky stuff would not happen to people, but i am glad you have a T to help you.

(((Granite))) you just described my week. :-). You arent alone. You did just fine.

Oh Granite.
You had such a rough go of life to start off with. My heart hurts for you. Of course this is nothing but scary and confusing because this is something that you don't know and have never had!

This is so silly and please don't take offense but I had an image when I read your post. I imagined you like a goose that is being fed a the rivers edge. The goose comes for the food and then immediately darts away for safety. The good news is the goose always comes back for another piece of the bread and after enough time it doesn't run away after every bite. Maybe you will be like that goose given enough
"therapy love and patience" bread!

i am going to work on this and maybe ill give it to her i think it is an awsome idea and thank you im going to print this out for me

most of what i said here was in my head.i think i onlt said to her i had a bad week and i feel like a miserable spoiled brat.and you dont know me.i was able to say these few things.i just get so disapointed.

do you realy think so i hurt so much and feel like a total failure in T.i hope next week will be better
i hate those words when she uses them it just doesnt seem to be me at all.i dont want it to be i dont know how to deal with it all
i'm so sorry you are also having such a bad week.i am trying to make mine a bit better i did go to work today and it was ok.i hope your week turns around
thanks for understanding.i have never dealt with a T like this i dont understand her or how to do this at all .none of it feels right or comfortable.i love your image of the goose

I only meant I know you hurt. And I know that because you told me!

i was saying that to my T not you at all in fact i would say that all of you here probibly know me more than my T because i am able to tell you all what is going on in my head better.i am so sorry if i wrote it wrong so you misunderstood .i'm sure it must have sounded awful for me to say that and i didnt mean you at all.i'm sorry i'm not always good at how i say things.

granite .. from what I can see, you DID do it.

I admit I was a bit upset. But then I thought, it must be some kind of misunderstanding.

you have never been anything but helpfull and supportive of me and i thank you for this from my heart

Aw....