Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna
It is hard to remember we are going to therapy, not to get someone to express themselves to us but for us to express ourselves.
In a sense, your disappointment is a real breakthrough too! You would have denied wanting/needing/having such feelings at first, wouldn't you? You would not have even "seen" them. I think you should get up the courage to tell your T you were disappointed and wanted more  It's okay to want what you want! That's very hard to learn. Too, it's okay for T to respond however T does (or anyone); what is harder to learn is that it's okay not to get what we want, to experience the disappointment and how to use it to steer a different direction, to go express ourselves truthfully to someone who will give us the experience we want and hope for.
That's the whole point of therapy, sorting through the people and understanding our feelings about them and theirs about us. But T is a "tool" rather than one of those people, she is working to help you express your feelings for her (or anyone), to be disappointed and know it and to be okay with, express, and use that disappointment to change your approach in positive ways. It is a little like "anger", you express that you are disappointed, or angry and the other person engages in a conversation with you and you understand yourself and them better and directions you need to take to move forward.
I was disappointed in my husband, told him, and he explained his position and it turned out that I was replaying experiences with my stepmother, I was trying to hold him to rules she and I had had 30 years previously that were not "true" or good for me now. The disappointment and talking about it was one of the highlights of that day! |
Hi Perna,
Thanks for helping me realize that it is a breakthrough. You're right, in the past, i would not have been able to be so open about my feelings for my t. In the early days, rather than express feelings of affection, whenever i would start feeling too close, I'd find something to be upset about or make an issue about. T always told me it was my way of getting distance again. I always thought I was angry about whatever the current problem or issue was. But now, i can see that I was too afraid to feel close to her. At least now, i can admit my feelings toward her. A huge step for me really.
About what you said regarding how we need to learn it is OK NOT to get what we want. . .I still have a really hard time accepting this. I don't feel like I want alot, and i rarely ever ask for things i want. But when i do get brave and ask for what i want, if i am refused, i feel immediately shamed. I feel very small and naked, and following on the heels of that is a sense of self-hate. I don't know why. I think maybe i get mad at myself for putting myself "out there" and getting up false hope about something that "I should have known i wouldn't get or don't deserve." I get mad at myself for putting my neck out on the chopping block and hoping for something other than WHACK!! So, in a sense, it feels like, by asking for what i want, I've put myself in danger and allowed myself to be hurt again.
To be denied feels like a stabbing in my heart.
And once that fades, i become angry and my walls go up ever thicker, while a voice in my head says, "I'll die before i ever ask so-and-so for anything again." I don't know how others accept rejection without feeling hurt, naked, ashamed, and angry. I mean, when it's something that is near and dear to your heart, and it takes SO much courage to ask for in the first place.
I understand what you mean about t being a tool. But I also want to have a real relationship with my t. I can't just view her as a textbook. I've learned to really have affection for her and I feel attached. Hence, I don't want to just "practice relationships" with her, I want us to have a relationship. I'm not sure I even know "how" to see it in a different way. I've never felt the same about her as I do about my dentist, primary care doctor, etc. The t relationship has always felt special and intimate. Isn't there more to it than just consulting with a business professional? It just doesn't feel that way.
It's interesting that you realized you had replayed an experience with your husband that was actually more related to your stepmother. You must have alot of insight to have realized that. My t and I have often talked about situations where I react to her in a way that relates more to my parents than to her. But at the time it's happening, it always seems to be about my t. It's always in hindsight that i see the connection to past experiences.