Quote:
Originally Posted by LydiaB
I am not doing well with EMDR at all. I've only done it once and then I spent the next week completely dead inside, except for small amounts of anger.
The therapist and I figured out it was because my anger over the positive stuff we did in EMDR surfaced complete fury. I had to numb myself out in order to not go off the deep end with anger. Around Monday the emotions came back, but so did extreme rage.
Then we didn't do it this week, because I was just not okay. Then tonight I just flipped out. My rage only wants to hurt me. This rage wanted me to jump in front of tractor trailers and drink lysol. It wouldn't stop. No matter what I did. Naps, baths, writing in my journal, playing with my dog. I finally called my team. I was talking about how I just couldn't live anymore, how I had to end it. But the whole time I was just hovering over myself, watching someone else speak.
" I can't do this, I just can't do this. Please I just want to die. It's not worth it, life isn't worth it!"
She's talking to me and then I get really confused. I have no idea what she's saying and so I just hang up on her. (???) Then she calls me and threatens to send the police out. I switch again and I am perfectly fine. I tell her "it's okay, I'm fine, I'm safe. It's okay".
I was fine today when I saw them!?? This evening it got really bad after people kept complimenting me on these craft things I made. And then I'm fine now. But I don't know when it will just "pop up" and take over.
I don't feel safe with this "rage". It wants to hurt me. I've always known this, but I always had some type of control. Now I have none, since starting EMDR. I told her that it would be dangerous to interact with my system at all. She didn't believe me. But I told her it was true. I told her that if we continued I would be dead. I think I know better then she does. Half the time not even inpatient can keep me safe when "rage" takes over. He's manipulative and he'll do whatever it takes to hurt me. They strapped us to beds because of him.
Should I be doing this inpatient at first so I can make sure I'm safe?
My entire system is safe....? I don't really prefer inpatient. I have a life to live. I have a cute puppy dog who would miss me very much and an apartment to tend to. But I don't want to end up dead. But I don't always have control either. I can't always decide whether I live or die.
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Lydia I and other members here cant make the decision whether you need inpatient care right now or not. only you and your treatment team can decide that.
that said if this was me gong through this my therapist would not hesitate or even give me a chance to make this decision. I would be hospitalized the first sign of danger to me. even when I was not integrated my treatment providers made it clear to me at which point they would over rule any of us and have me involuntarily held.
if what you posted was happening to me I also would not hesitate on entering a hospital for stabilization and treatment. Sometimes inpatient can do things for a person that out patient treatment cant.
If this was me I would also contact my treatment providers and enter the hospital because I would not want my friends here here on psych central to go through the confusing / scared and anxiety ridden feelings of knowing I was in a crisis that they could not help me with. (which is probably why this site usually is against posts where members are in danger of suicide and self injury at the moment they are making their post..
there is a sticky somewhere on the boards that has some numbers for those in crisis like this can contact. maybe another member can find it for you so that you can be safe.
I know this is a hard decision for you and Im sorry I cant jump through this computer screen , make that decision for you and keep you safe from yourself and your parts.
Hope to "see" you here tomorrow. please be safe and contact your treatment providers.