Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
About what you said regarding how we need to learn it is OK NOT to get what we want. . .I still have a really hard time accepting this. I don't feel like I want alot, and i rarely ever ask for things i want. But when i do get brave and ask for what i want, if i am refused, i feel immediately shamed. I feel very small and naked, and following on the heels of that is a sense of self-hate. I don't know why. I think maybe i get mad at myself for putting myself "out there" and getting up false hope about something that "I should have known i wouldn't get or don't deserve." I get mad at myself for putting my neck out on the chopping block and hoping for something other than WHACK!! So, in a sense, it feels like, by asking for what i want, I've put myself in danger and allowed myself to be hurt again.
To be denied feels like a stabbing in my heart.  And once that fades, i become angry and my walls go up ever thicker, while a voice in my head says, "I'll die before i ever ask so-and-so for anything again." I don't know how others accept rejection without feeling hurt, naked, ashamed, and angry. I mean, when it's something that is near and dear to your heart, and it takes SO much courage to ask for in the first place. |
I learned to pay attention to my focus. If you want a hug, what do you want? A hug. If you ask for a hug and do not get a hug, what do you want? A hug! But instead, we suddenly shift to concentrating on what we do not have, did not get and the ramifications of not getting something we want, etc. instead of staying focused on the hug and why we want the hug (one could want a hug just for the "heck" of it and that should not cause problems if we do not get that kind? But usually we want a hug because we are sad or unhappy about something else? Concentrating on that "root" need can also help with not getting the hug; maybe T or whoever is not able to give us the hug but might be willing to listen and help us better understand the root problem! That's much better than a hug, more lasting.).
Keeping things as solid as possible helps me too; I can see and imagine a hug or a particular conversation but I cannot see what is not there (loss or nothing, not getting) So, if I do not get the solid item, the hug or desired words, conversation or action, I have to move forward in time; I now am disappointed! To move forward, we have to let go of the feeling about the thing we did not get, the wanting feeling, and move on to the less scary but more uncomfortable, didn't get or disappointed feeling. Think about it; if you get the hug, you feel good, right? You automatically move forward. But if you don't get something you wanted the "next" feeling is not pleasant so we try to shirk it and hold on to the, "But-I-want. . ." feeling. We stay suspended in a bad feedback loop (want/don't get, don't get/don't deserve, don't deserve/don't want, don't want, but I do!) instead of moving forward into working with the disappointment.
Disappointment is initially. . . wait for it, disappointing
or unpleasant feeling but working with any emotion we feel in the moment can be very rewarding and, ultimately, make us feel better. Being disappointed in my husband and discussing it with him gave me understanding and got me "right" with my husband and my relationship and made us closer. I did not have to be disappointed anymore because my initial disappointment turned out, learned through discussion, to be misplaced, so I could shift and move on. I learned my husband wasn't doing the chore he was responsible for because he did not feel well, could not do it without pain and learning that he was in pain reawakened my love for him and desire for him not to be in pain! There was literally no place for disappointment in my feelings then.