Quote:
Originally Posted by Beebizzy
I feel a combination, or all, of the following: nothing, guilt, sadness, indifference.
And since my reality does not change, I think it is normal to feel like this. I don't consciously think 'I'm depressed' because I don't know that I could feel any other way. Until someone else tells me (I'm notoriously bad at spotting it myself - I need to improve).
I am aware of the 'good' things but don't care. They're not 'good' for me so - so what? I feel like I am not made for this world so it is irrelevant if there are good things in it. I also usually feel like I am invisible and don't really exist - a hole.
I am not even aware of feeling 'bad' necessarily - it just 'is'.
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This is one thing I know from experience. You never know how bad things were going for you until you come out on the other side. Also it is true that when you've been depressed or even manic/hypo-manic for so long you don't even realize it any more. Humans are good at adapting. Maybe too good, sometimes.
I have had depressions that lasted so long I had no idea. The one that I remember most was I was a teen, right after my mom died. It lasted probably two years. And then one day I felt better and I clearly remember walking home from school. It was fall and the leaves were yellow. I looked up at a tree and actually
saw the tree. It wasn't just background all of a sudden. It was a real tree and I could see all the branches and leaves and bark, and it was the most vivid and beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It is amazing how different it is once that cloud suddenly lifts.
