When you get depressed, do you...

...hate your life and feel like there is nothing good in your world, or feel confused by your depressed feelings because everything else seems to be going great?

I went to a meeting of a mental health org on campus (which was a phenomenal experience; I've never felt so understood and supported by real-life people) the other night, and one girl mentioned that when she gets depressed, the thing she hates most is that there is no reason for it. To her, it seems like everything in her life is wonderful, except for her depression. Today I saw a YouTube video made by a young woman w/ bp; she described her depressions in essentially the same way.

I don't have the "everything in my life is sunshine except for my depressive storm cloud" experience. Keep in mind that from an objective standpoint, my life is pretty good. I come from a modestly wealthy family and am attending a good university. I do not have any serious health concerns (unless you count bp), I have people that love me.

But when I'm depressed, all of that is just invisible to me. It doesn't matter that I am at a good university, because I don't have what it takes to do anything with any degree I might earn. As for serious health concerns, who knows? I probably have undiagnosed cancer. Good. Maybe it'll kill me. And yeah, people love me. But they don't understand me. And most people neither love nor understand me...I'm so lonely, but I deserve it. I'm not worthy of having friends. I'll never have friends...and on and on...When I take PC's depression quiz while seriously depressed, I always pause at the item, "I feel depressed even when good things happen to me." My response is "what good things?!".

I'm not proud that I get that way. Like I said, objectively my life is good. That just is part of how my depressions manifest themselves; hopefully I'll learn ways to correct that faulty thinking in therapy.

But I really meant this to be more of a survey question. Answer honestly: which type of depressive are you? Can you see the sun shining through, or do you feel like you'll drown in the storm? Does it vary by episode? Has it changed with age? Thanks for any replies.

I've pretty much been doom and gloom my whole life, aside from mania where i'm THE top of the world. When depressed i dont "feel" that there are positives in my life. Sometimes I take it to the extreme and convince myself that anything positive I may have felt in the past is a delusion. Talk about delusional!!
Trying to manage depression with bp has been challenging. The depression doesn't take as strong a hold of me as it used too since I've alwaus come out of it eventually. I have a couple depression mantras:
i keep telling myself "this too shall pass; its only an episode."
" Feelings aren't facts"
"its ok, i get like this sometimes"

I also schedule "sheet therapy" days during a depression once a week and on the other 6 days I force myself to go to work, eat and go outside for at least 5 minutes and take a shower/brush my teeth etc.

I get the physical symptoms of depression. Always tired, lack of motivation, and sometimes it will get to the point where I wish I can SI and I'll become fixated that I cannot hurt myself because I've gotten to the point where I know if I do I affect everyone around me. When I start to feel like that my stomach will hurt. If it gets really bad my self confidence goes down and I start believing something is going to get me. It almost always feels like something external. I also hate this because it comes out of no where. Or it progressively gets that bad after a week or two but there is no cause for it.

Sometimes I imagine myself doing stupid stuff, but it's only ever gotten really destructive once and that was before I got diagnosed. It is weird but I don't internalize as much. I always try to find a physical or external cause, or my body feels ill. ((Like: the negative voices tell me I am worthless...not too much "I am worthless)) BUT I also get the other side of depression where I feel like the world is better without me and I should be dead.

I guess it varies for me.

I use to get how you describe yours to be. And sometimes it is still that way, but more now I hate that I'm depressed because I know nothing is wrong. Well not nothing but..

I think I have built a lot of coping skills that I didn't use to have. I did a ton of work in two intensive outpatient programs, that really made a big difference in my life. Getting older is another, and more stubborn. Too stubborn to give in, I'll do whatever it takes, no matter how painful it seems if I think it might work. Not always consistently but I'm still working on it. And I am not saying people give in, not at all. I'm trying to say I have found some will inside to live.

I still have very severe depressions at times, but less frequent. One thing I can honestly say is that I now trust myself 99% not to attempt Sui. It used to be the opposite. I think the outpatient programs really changed my life.

I'm impressed, Tosspot. I should find my own depression mantras. I only really have one, which I use if I'm in lecture and can't pay attention because of the psychological pain/fatigue/cognitive symptoms. I write "I am stronger than depression" somewhere in my notes. Sometimes I need to write it multiple times. :P And I can relate to feeling like everything positive was a delusion. This applies especially to everything positive I've ever felt about myself.

Confused, you have an interesting view of it. I think it's probably a good thing that you look for external causes; even if there really wasn't one, feeling like you have an explanation might make you feel like you have more control. I'm glad that you haven't SI'd, but sorry that you've had strong urges. Are the "negative voices" hallucinations? I've read that a lot of severely depressed people have auditory hallucinations of voices telling them that they are worthless. It's never happened to me, and I'm glad; it sounds really scary!

Anika, your story is so inspirational! I'm glad that you were able to use the intensive outpatient program to grow so beautifully. And even happier that you won't commit sui. You're a positive force in the universe.

For some reason, I can't "thank" your post. If PC will let me later, I will. Just letting you know that I am grateful for your input.

Edit: refreshed page and problem fixed.

To be honest? I just get completely apathetic. Literally nothing matters, including basic daily functions like food and hygiene. I sleep all the time and do nothing, including things I normally love, because my love for life is gone. But when depressed I can objectively see how something awesome is happening in my life yet take no joy away from it whatsoever. So I guess that's door number one?

Ideally it's something I want to address in therapy, whenever I can afford/get it. It's not something I'm proud of, to be sure.

I recently went on a long vacation to my favorite place in the world. Pretty much everything went perfectly, I felt physically better than I had any right to feel at my age, I did things I wasn't sure I could do anymore, I was with fabulous people I adore--I had a wonderful time.

I can't remember being more unhappy.

It was wonderful. I was so aware of how amazing it was all turning out. And yet tears would be streaming down my cheeks.

I'd been in a deepening depression when I left, but the vacation was planned & paid for. I went. Everyone thought it would help, at least some. If anything I returned worse; if I was this miserable in these circumstances, I couldn't see that there was any hope. Meds so far have not helped.

Confused, I get those negative voices too, I wake up and from the minute I do all I hear is " you don't want to be here" " you bleep bleep " " your worthless" " you deserve to ___" . That is the absolute toughest part of depression for me. Someone once advised me to talk back to the voices, so I did, and the voices got worse. I haven't figured a way around it yet, aside from trying to tune it out, but it really gets wearing.

I don't think so, because I don't 'hear' anything. Like, I know the voice is mine but it is uncontrollable and results in me being preoccupied with fighting myself. It is really exhausting! Well, I think I still have strong urges to do it because I made myself stop a month or two ago. Boyfriend was really upset and pretty much cried a couple times. Sooo, now I think about it but don't do it.

I don't think externalizing it helps at all either. I have blamed people for things they've never done before. It doesn't lead to much more control.

I'm going through an episode right now. Just riding the tide til it's over. (Probably means I need to see my doc again. -_-

Same. It gets worse for me. I usually med change if it gets that bad.

I understand how you feel Nacht. I have a stage where I'm apathetic. Basic daily functions suffer, I ignore my husband, I sit and stare or stare at the tv, not really sure of what I'm watching. I withdraw from everybody and everything, wishing for an end, one way or another. I have different levels of depression and mania, although my depression is much more prevalent.

I'm in the process of trying to work things out with my current counselor and if that doesn't work it'll be time to get to know another one

Hmm... Interesting topic!

My first rounds of depression were the worst - before I ever had a manic episode. Life wasn't worth living, several sui attempts, etc. "Black bottomless pit of despair" was my mailing address. I was totally unconscious of anything good happening.

Now when I get depressed, it's quite different. I haven't been sui in over 10 years. I know that things will get better, if I can just hold out long enough. I can see that there are a lot of good things going on in my life, even if I don't feel good about any of it, and I tend to discount all that good stuff as meaningless. It's not like I see the sun shining through, but if I continue to tread water, I probably won't drown. It's still pretty wretched - I'm wracked by feelings of inadequacy, exquisite anxiety, extreme hopelessness, and utter loss of interest in anything that has ever interested me. My body feels heavy, my brain slows down, and I have a hard time finding the right words.

At this point, I know it's all temporary. Another mood cycle will hit and I won't feel so good/bad. I've basically learned that I won't feel that way forever and if I can just wait it out, things will be OK again. So now I try to step back and think about things without all the emotions clouding everything up - hard to do, but trying to keep things in perspective definitely helps when I start feeling hopeless (or euphoric...)

Let's see... When I get depressed, everything goes down the drain. I basically lock myself up in my room. There is NO joy in the world, even if someone points it out, i just don't see it. This is going to sound bad,but i honestly don't know what would happen to my daughter if it weren't for my mom,coz honestly, she's not even a sense of joy,i'm ashamed to say she seems like more of an inconvenience during these times... That being said, i find comfort in the fact that it's temporary, and i just need to hold on... I'm pretty sure my depressions have gotten worse over the years, except now I'm armed with knowledge...

When I get depressed, I can find the positive in my life. I see how rewarding my current job is; I see that I'll soon be out of school and making even more money; I see how great my paycheck really is; I see how wonderful my partner is to me; I see how amazing it is that I am no longer $30k+ in credit card debt; I see how wonderful it is to have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and be surrounded by people that really do care about me.

But no matter how much I look at those positive, wonderful things in my life, the depression is still there, and it stays until it decides to move on. I see these things, but they don't make any difference at all in my mood if I am in that depressed state. That's how I know I'm in a depressive episode/swing - life is wonderful, but I can't feel it!

The kind where no good is perceived at all. Even if someone got in my face and made me acknowledge one good thing verbally, I'd feel absolutely nothing about it. I have a lot of trouble about gratitude for that reason. I could say words, but I can't feel them. At ALL. But people expect you to acknowledge good things. Which makes me feel even worse, because I can't feel it. What an even more horrible person I must be. I can't feel anything positive. And am filled with utter self-loathing and trapped in the body of the walking dead. Here's the visual I've had of it. It's like when my mind is working like it should, the little voices are in balance. There are logical positives and a reasonable take on the negatives. As the depression goes deeper, the negatives gain speed and start getting more illogical. Thing is, to me, they are COMPLETELY logical. They mock any positives that try to pop up, twist them and before you know it, have completely pummeled them into oblivion. I can try all I want to tell myself that it IS the depression, that it ISN'T logical and it doesn't make a dent. So you can imagine, any input from outside, other people, is like water off a duck's back. There is no light. There is no logic. My mind is utterly held hostage.

With age, for me, it's gotten generally worse. I think part of it is the getting exhausted from all the trying. Over and over. To no real result. Even a totally objective observer would have to acknowledge that there would be no real reason for me to expect any better of the future. With decades of data, there's plenty to base that conclusion on. Maybe I'm just weak, but after throwing myself up against a brick wall over and over, and getting nowhere, motivation grows ever less.

So yeah, my depressions are a world of inpenetrable darkness. When I read the DSM criteria for depression, I laugh. God, how I wish that's all it were. It's not even the tip of the iceberg. It's taken a lot of thought when I'm doing better to get some insight into what happens. Because when I'm in the midst of it, I can't see it at all.

When I'm depressed I know it isn't because of my life. I know we're poor and there are hard times, but I'm extremely grateful for my husband and kids. That's probably why I react so badly when things aren't going well.

When I'm depressed I'm depressed at either nothing or myself. I just feel like rocks are sitting on top of me and I can't see them. Or I'm depressed because I feel like I failed myself. I dropped out of college, never published a book, never reached any of those goals I had for life. And because of that I feel like I failed my family, too.

I read a lot about depression and things because I'm not in treatment. I try to understand what's going on when I'm able to focus enough to do it. Plus when I was in college I was looking at getting a psych degree, and I remember a lot of what I learned, which helps me sometimes, but not always. And I focus on my mom because I know she lived in almost constant pain the last few years of her life, so I just keep her in my mind and thing if she can fight cancer, I can fight this.

You know what's funny, I am never really depressed anymore.

I run on the side of hypo most of the time so I am usually in an okay to great mood.

I haven't been depressed for a really long time, and I DO NOT miss it one bit.

I feel a combination, or all, of the following: nothing, guilt, sadness, indifference.

And since my reality does not change, I think it is normal to feel like this. I don't consciously think 'I'm depressed' because I don't know that I could feel any other way. Until someone else tells me (I'm notoriously bad at spotting it myself - I need to improve).

I am aware of the 'good' things but don't care. They're not 'good' for me so - so what? I feel like I am not made for this world so it is irrelevant if there are good things in it. I also usually feel like I am invisible and don't really exist - a hole.

I am not even aware of feeling 'bad' necessarily - it just 'is'.

This is one thing I know from experience. You never know how bad things were going for you until you come out on the other side. Also it is true that when you've been depressed or even manic/hypo-manic for so long you don't even realize it any more. Humans are good at adapting. Maybe too good, sometimes.

I have had depressions that lasted so long I had no idea. The one that I remember most was I was a teen, right after my mom died. It lasted probably two years. And then one day I felt better and I clearly remember walking home from school. It was fall and the leaves were yellow. I looked up at a tree and actually saw the tree. It wasn't just background all of a sudden. It was a real tree and I could see all the branches and leaves and bark, and it was the most vivid and beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It is amazing how different it is once that cloud suddenly lifts.

I've had it both ways. Sometimes things have been going very poorly and I'm wondering, I feel fine, shouldn't this make me depressed? Others times things are going great, then all of a sudden I get depressed out of the blue. That is also perplexing, but in a very frustrating way.

Sorry for taking so long to reply...I wasn't sure what to say, other than the obvious: we've all experienced depression in very different ways, yet none of us is alone.

Roadrunner, I hope you feel better soon. I really do. We're all here if you need us. Feel free to PM me if you ever feel a need to.

Yeah, Innerzone, the DSM doesn't do a very good job of portraying just how horrific depression can be with clinical phrases like "depressed mood", "loss of interest or pleasure", "feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or guilt", etc.

Darkheart, I am so sorry that you lost your mother at such an early age. I hate cancer; it takes so many lives and leaves so many others in constant fear. It's impressive that you are able to draw inspiration from her fight. Remember that you can always go back to school (even if you start small with one community college course/semester), and work on getting a book published. What kind of writing do you do? And I'm sure that you're not a failure to your family.

SunAngel, I am so happy for you! Though I also really envy you, haha. You should post in the success stories forum. God knows we all need more inspiration!