chandler,

i am sorry to hear this time in your life is so hard. i hope you can find a different solution for making a living, and wanting to live in it. sounds like the trucking thing worked for a while but no longer fits your needs. wish i had a brilliant answer, but i do not.

i can, however, relate to your music expression. i'd be crippled if i didn't use song lyrics, melodies, all things music, to express myself. i find having a wide musical knowledge and taste is kin to the many and ever-changing moods that bipolar gives me. sometimes i affect which music i listen to dictated by my mood and sometimes music changes my mood. sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse...

it's comforting to hear lyrics that you can truly relate to. makes you know someone else might feel the way you do. so you're not so all alone as you might think. (i'm writing you but i mean me and anyone) whatever the emotion. sadness, happy, suicidal, pensive, homicidal, loving, lusting, apathy.....

i even created a word for this -"song-eeling" - haha. i blog about it on another website. i just stumbled upon another site that is kinda interesting (whatmusicmeans2me.com) where you can share songs and the emotions they provoke and read what others have written.

for me, i feel like **** today so i'm listening to amy winehouse sing standards(lioness: hidden treasures).

peace