It sounds like you are still grieving for your mother and marriage and house, etc., all very natural! I would share some of your pain with your husband and work with him to try to make some new rituals with this family. My husband and I are a blended family as well and have had to carve out our own traditions and change with the changing scenery (children getting older, marrying, grandchildren (our daughter-in-law and the grandchildren are Jewish, which the rest of the family is not so "Christmas" is different; we're going over next Wednesday to meet and celebrate that night's Hannukkah candle lighting and a couple of new traditions we've started around that).

Can you make yourself a journal and/or special place to sit that is "yours" in this house and give yourself a better sense of place? Do you have interests that are yours and that go with you rather than being dependent on place? Experiment and find where you feel most comfortable and spend time with yourself there.

We have not had a Christmas tree for over five years now (do not have the space and have two cats who would definitely cause havoc with a tree). However, in our early years of marriage we did have a tree each year and collected individual ornaments that have meaning to us both. We still decorate outside a little (one string of lights) but go elsewhere for our holiday parties and so I try to think of one or two things each year that I would personally like for myself such as addressing/sending cards or making cookies, perhaps.

Don't let others define how you should feel or what kind of time you will have; trying to live up to others' expectations can do us in!

Maybe you could start a photo journal of your family for your own children, go through the old pictures? Maybe make a holiday recipe that was a favorite of your mother's? Trying not to think about those who are gone can make us even more sad than leaning into and remembering.