Worried about coping with Christmas

Is anyone else here worried that they will have a Christmas meltdown of some kind? I've never been this honest with myself and now I am doing it on this forum but here goes. I thought I had a forever marriage going on 25 years and then Dec. 2009 I found out my husband didn't love me and wanted a divorce. We started papers on Christmas Eve, devastating a family of a 12 year old girl and 23 year old son. It was done in March 2010 and he left the state but left us financially secure at least. I dated quickly because my self-esteem was so low I thought nobody could love me. I did find a great guy May 2010 who had been similarly left. August 2010 my mom dies unexpectedly. We were very, very close. My dad had already passed away 2002 and I have a sister who is bipolar and we don't do well together so no support there. Last Christmas I was determined to make the best of things and was financially able to give my kids gifts they wanted and I put gas logs in my fireplace making it as cozy and happy a Christmas as I could. My strength seemed to pop in when I needed it. I stayed with the guy I had been dating since May. We dated 18 months and got married Sept. 2011. I went off my depression meds this summer as I thought I was in a great place. The decision to marry and a little private getaway to do so was wonderful.

I love my new husband and he loves me. It was difficult on my daughter because we moved into his house and had to remodel it as it was old and a little depressing but that is done and she still goes to the same school. He has a 17 year old son but he doesn't interact with any of us really. I miss my other house very much though, all the stuff I stored or gave away, and didn't expect giving up the "stuff" would hurt now. I thought getting married to a man I love would solve all my sadness and loneliness for some reason. It didn't and now what do I do? He has a wonderful mother and kids too. We will have a big Christmas with 5 teen and adult kids to buy for plus one's wife and 2 grand daughters. Everybody talks about what a wonderful Christmas we will have! I know I am blessed with all these great people and my own two children but I still want my old Christmases back in my old house with my mom and just my 2 kids. I don't love or care about my ex anymore, I just miss the past and am afraid I won't adjust or be fully happy ever again.

I thought I was ready and it was the best thing to get married and have the security of a husband and step-father for my daughter, and a real family for her instead of just the two of us at home. It's just that we wanted to be together and my unhappiness before was only when I missed him and couldn't see him all the time. Now, I have those same feelings because....I miss....what? I just really want to not be sad for the past, and to know in my heart I did the right thing and it will be ok. I want to care about the future and be eager to live every day. Somehow I'm damaged from the loss of my old life and my parents and I don't know how to fix it.

It sounds like you are still grieving for your mother and marriage and house, etc., all very natural! I would share some of your pain with your husband and work with him to try to make some new rituals with this family. My husband and I are a blended family as well and have had to carve out our own traditions and change with the changing scenery (children getting older, marrying, grandchildren (our daughter-in-law and the grandchildren are Jewish, which the rest of the family is not so "Christmas" is different; we're going over next Wednesday to meet and celebrate that night's Hannukkah candle lighting and a couple of new traditions we've started around that).

Can you make yourself a journal and/or special place to sit that is "yours" in this house and give yourself a better sense of place? Do you have interests that are yours and that go with you rather than being dependent on place? Experiment and find where you feel most comfortable and spend time with yourself there.

We have not had a Christmas tree for over five years now (do not have the space and have two cats who would definitely cause havoc with a tree). However, in our early years of marriage we did have a tree each year and collected individual ornaments that have meaning to us both. We still decorate outside a little (one string of lights) but go elsewhere for our holiday parties and so I try to think of one or two things each year that I would personally like for myself such as addressing/sending cards or making cookies, perhaps.

Don't let others define how you should feel or what kind of time you will have; trying to live up to others' expectations can do us in!

Maybe you could start a photo journal of your family for your own children, go through the old pictures? Maybe make a holiday recipe that was a favorite of your mother's? Trying not to think about those who are gone can make us even more sad than leaning into and remembering.

Thank you SO very much Perna! Just having you say it is natural makes me feel much better. Also, that you are a blended family! For some reason I have nobody in similar shoes with merging the kids, two households, etc. and so I have no one that really relates to how I feel trying to pull it all together, not even my therapist! My new house is much smaller than my old one and if I go to my room in the evenings my husband gets worried something is wrong. At my old house before marriage I loved crawling in my bed alone and watching girly tv channels, read books and journal. Now I feel like I have to sit with him at night and compromise on what we watch. I miss that alone time too. Thanks again, I think I will read your reply a few times!!