Hi everyone,

I am 19 years old, turning 20 in a few months. I know that age is just a number, but going into a new decade is a tad daunting for me. Simply because I feel that I should have done more with my life by now.

I was basically a genius kid, asked to skip a grade several times in public school (my dad always said no). Began high school courses in the 8th grade, and received great marks up until the end of grade 10. Then in the beginning of 11th, the hospitalizations started. Long story short, I've been in the psych hospital 9 times in 3 years, still need 2 more credits to graduate. My only "accomplishments" during this time were trying different therapists, different med combos, and undergoing ECT treatments. I attempted suicide twice, and self-harmed for most of those 3 years.

Instead of going to university like my teachers urged, I will be attending college. Nothing wrong with college, and I'm excited about the 2 programs I'm considering. It's just that I was always told I could do whatever I wanted...university was that symbol of "anything". But I know I couldn't handle the pressure.

I am unemployed and on disability, finishing these two credits. I rent an apartment and live with/am the guardian of my 17 year old brother. I attend therapy on a regular basis, am on a decent cocktail of meds, and have a psychiatrist. But I see my old high school friends...who are either in university or already graduated. Have jobs and are saving up money. I just feel like I should have done more during those 3 years...I wish mental illness hadn't been the spotlight for so long. And sadly, it still takes up much of the spotlight.

The two biggest accomplishments of mine so far are that it has been over 7 months since I've been in the psych hospital, and same amount of time since I've self-harmed.

I'm going to be 20 and nowhere close to where I want to be in life. And sadly, I don't even KNOW where I want to be in life. I apologize to those of you who are reading and thinking "20 is still so young, how can she think this?" I realize I probably sound like a whiner, and that 20 in the big picture, is still young. But I can't help but feel this way.

Sorry for the rant.