Feel Like I Should Have Done More By Now

Hi everyone,

I am 19 years old, turning 20 in a few months. I know that age is just a number, but going into a new decade is a tad daunting for me. Simply because I feel that I should have done more with my life by now.

I was basically a genius kid, asked to skip a grade several times in public school (my dad always said no). Began high school courses in the 8th grade, and received great marks up until the end of grade 10. Then in the beginning of 11th, the hospitalizations started. Long story short, I've been in the psych hospital 9 times in 3 years, still need 2 more credits to graduate. My only "accomplishments" during this time were trying different therapists, different med combos, and undergoing ECT treatments. I attempted suicide twice, and self-harmed for most of those 3 years.

Instead of going to university like my teachers urged, I will be attending college. Nothing wrong with college, and I'm excited about the 2 programs I'm considering. It's just that I was always told I could do whatever I wanted...university was that symbol of "anything". But I know I couldn't handle the pressure.

I am unemployed and on disability, finishing these two credits. I rent an apartment and live with/am the guardian of my 17 year old brother. I attend therapy on a regular basis, am on a decent cocktail of meds, and have a psychiatrist. But I see my old high school friends...who are either in university or already graduated. Have jobs and are saving up money. I just feel like I should have done more during those 3 years...I wish mental illness hadn't been the spotlight for so long. And sadly, it still takes up much of the spotlight.

The two biggest accomplishments of mine so far are that it has been over 7 months since I've been in the psych hospital, and same amount of time since I've self-harmed.

I'm going to be 20 and nowhere close to where I want to be in life. And sadly, I don't even KNOW where I want to be in life. I apologize to those of you who are reading and thinking "20 is still so young, how can she think this?" I realize I probably sound like a whiner, and that 20 in the big picture, is still young. But I can't help but feel this way.

Sorry for the rant.

First of all, those are awesome accomplishments! <3

I understand what you mean. I seriously do. I was one of those super bright kids too, high IQ, the whole shooting match. My mother was asked in three different districts to let me move up a grade and she always refused because I was, to use her phrasing, "high-strung." (To be fair to her, she had a point. I was a really moody kid and I was prone to rages and depression long before I was ever diagnosed with anything.)

And it stinks when you see people around you doing all these things when so much feels like a struggle to you. My younger cousin who also went into music education? Her parents had enough money that between them and her scholarships, she was able to get into a very influential and expensive private university essentially for free. She breezed through both her bachelor's and master's degrees and is teaching in the school district where I live. It doesn't make me feel very good either to see how successful she seems to have been, especially knowing that I'm jealous of how easily everything seemed to come to her. I haven't had any luck at all finding work in my field, and she got a job right out the gate!

But comparing myself to my friends and family only makes me feel bad, so I try not to do it anymore. Life is not a competition with other people and I have to take it at my own pace if I want to be happy.

As for not knowing what you want to do with yourself in college... well, that's common when you're 20. (I still don't really know what I want to do and I'm 31. I'll get back to you when I figure that out. ) Seriously though, one day at a time. Just the fact that you're finishing your remaining credits is fantastic.

((Hun)) atleast you were busy battling an unfortunate hand you were dealt, and can and WILL still reach your potential! I was also a bright student, couldn't skip any grades bcoz of emotional maturity (they were right in the end. Meh) let's see... what's my excuse for being a nothing at age 27 ( and by 'nothing' I mean no defined profession or title) Graduated HS top of the class, with full university exemption. Dad was a pensioner by then, and couldn't sign the liability clause, and wealthy eldest brother (who btw always pushed for this) was travelling the world for a few years. What did I do? I had a BABY at 19. Got a job as soon as she was born, as I was and am her sole provider. Every job I've ever had (and boy were there plenty) i basically self-taught the skills needed (lucky me I'm a quick study and you can google almost anything,) and you know what? I've NEVER had the same job more than once! LOL. Anyway, I look at my peers and my PC peeps and I'm so proud of them, happy for them, but it reminds me of what I never had, and won't have (unless it starts raining money in my room or I marry this really rich guy and study anything and everything for as long as I want!) :-D anywaaay. I know how you feel Melissa, and man it sucks, but don't forget that you could still try tomorrow. H u g XOXO

You should be so proud of yourself for surviving what you've been through over the past 3 years. Your friends who are starting university have not had their high school years taken from them by BP. Getting through each day is an accomplishment.

You should be very proud of yourself for finishing high school and starting college; and for being stable for the past 7 months. Please don't be hard on yourself....you didn't choose to be sick

Same for me. Top of the class in school & university, won prestigious scholarships and government awards etc. Now? Still at entry level in my company after 12 years and at age 38, never promoted, and nothing to do with what I studied.

So, Melissa... I feel like all that super-duper education amounted to nothing anyway. I've seen people with a lot less do a lot better, even at a later age and outside the mainstream routes.

Having said that I do most definitely know exactly what you mean - I brood constantly about my 'wasted potential' and indulge in loads of nostalgia for my glory years and so on. The thing is, it's a waste of time. People do the best that they can in any given moment in time, and I tell myself that, for whatever reason, I simply could not have done other than I did.

BP took my PhD and my dreams from me, sure. I feel I have 'downgraded' my life. But it is useless to dwell on it, and better to make the most of the now.

You have already at age 20 been through more than some people go through in an entire lifetime. Cut yourself some slack. You are right, you are young and you have time to build things up again in the way that you want. Consider that people make career changes, and go back to education, and move continents, and do all sorts of things at all sorts of ages. There is no 'blue print' - anything goes.

Good luck to you Melissa - you are already impressive.

I understand that feeling that you haven't lived up to your potential. The fact of the matter is that sometimes our illnesses strip us of the potential for a time. It's not fair and it derails our lives, but it is what it is. When we manage to get stable, or stable enough, we are left with the tasks of putting our lives back together of pursuing dreams we had to set aside or pursuing dreams we hadn't thought of before. We have the choice of dwelling on what we lost, beyond a period of mourning, or starting anew.

I've decided to start anew. I still have thoughts that I am failure or feelings of envy directed to my friends and family who didn't have their lives derailed, but I choose to focus on what I am doing now, rather than on what I couldn't do then, because it makes me happier. I am 27 and I haven't graduated, it's been years since I was in a relationship and my social life isn't as busy as I would like it to be; but I am taking post-secondary courses, I am ready to get back into dating if I meet the right person and I am open to new experiences. I consider that success, especially since I am finally stable.

I am not the success I would have been withOut the effects of BP on my life but I am a better person because of it. It has given me a perspective I would never had seen without it.
Surviving BP is a success that we should all be proud of.