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PurpleFlyingMonkeys · Jan 08, 2012, 07:41 AM

Thanks for the replies they all have been very helpful. Amanda, as always you're right. There is so much going on it's confusing the heck out of me and I think a lot of my problems are reactions to other issues I have been dealing with. Basically these problems keep triggering eachother and it's becoming a huge mess of problems with (I'm hoping) less underlying problems once the weeds get sorted out. I'm just trying to make sense of it for my next appointment.

The thing is I don't know if I'm "switching" or just going through depersonalization phase right now. It is a lot like depersonalization. Example just last night I was watching a movie I used to love as a child (hadn't seen it in years, forgot it was a murder movie) and was talking to my boyfriend and he goes into the kitchen. Sometimes I just ramble and talk and don't really know what I'm talking about at all while I'm saying it and don't even realize I'm having a conversation like that until what happened happened. He was saying something (and I don't remember what he said) but he said my name at the end of his sentence and something just kinda snapped. Like I got pulled back into the conversation. But at first the name didn't make sense and it took a second for me to realize it was me he was talking to.

It was kind of the way I felt after a blackout but the confusing thing is it's the way I also felt after the seizure (with the confusion and being pulled back into myself) and when I fainted and stopped breathing a few years back. So who knows! But when I had the seizure and fainted those were both under extreme stress physically to my body so the doctors think it was related to what I was doing at that time. But it seems so similar. From the start to everything going black to coming back. Only lately I've really been working on grounding skills when I think things are about to go black and have only had about 3 blackouts since August. But get that feeling multiple times a day.

But I was talking to my brother yesterday. Both brothers have PTSD from Iraq. My brother that lives close by called and I missed his call (having dinner with the SOs family) and called when I got home. He had no recollection of calling me. For some reason when he said "I didn't call you, I don't remember calling you" something kinda snapped and I felt everything get really far away. Couldn't hear or feel my body or anything. I had to fight it and focus pretty darn hard to be able to get back out. Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have let it keep pulling me back. But with that seizure I think it would be best to wait for that until I have a doctor present.

Sorry to talk your ears off (or eyes for that matter since you are reading this) The pulling back after I heard him say that I'm curious about. I'm trying to learn my triggers so I'm wondering if it was just the mention of memory loss like that that triggered me or... Do parts try to keep you from knowing about them? Like would they cause you to blackout for the purpose of you not knowing about them or cause you to blackout when it's being validated about them and such?
Yeah, probably need a t to help me out on that to find out what is going on in my case. Now that no employees are here I'm gonna call the t and request and leave her a voice message asking her to call me back.

Thanks for the replies, sorry it's so long, I really have to work on that

And Gretta, your response was very helpful, what you described is something I experience often. And leaf, I have been working a lot lately on figuring out my triggers, but it's really hard because by figuring out my triggers I have to be triggered by them first and they are getting pretty rough to deal with but they are helping me to understand why I am the way I am as well. And helping me know what to avoid.

Thanks again