How do you know when you switch?

How do you know (in your personal experience) when you're switching? I ask this because in my past I've mostly been dealing with "blackouts". No memory of anything during the switch. Over the last few years (with a little help from a t for a couple of months) the blackouts have decreased.

I feel like a completely different person. I look in the mirror and "that's not me!". This happens very often. For hours to days at a time. Than I have the spacey thing. Where I feel like I'm being pulled back and away from my body and everything around me. Everything gets quiet, far away, I can't feel anything. Typically I snap myself back into it once I realize it's happening. I've said and done things during these spacey episodes that I don't have any knowledge of doing, I could see it but only barely while it was going on.

I'm thinking about NOT snapping back in. Maybe letting the distance take over and see where that takes me? Perhaps I can go within and make my own little world like others say they do... I just wouldn't know where to begin with that. Either way, what's it like to switch for anyone? I'm just not sure where I'm at right now and I'm not sure how to tell if I'm switching or not... Thanks for any replies. Sorry it's so long, I really did try to make it as short as possible

purpleflyingmonkeys -

everyone who has DID has their own way of switching. what it feels like depends on how they are switching.

examples of what my own switching felt like before I was integrated -

turning into the mattress - I would feel the same way a mattress feels - hard, springy, with layers of hay and cloth over me.

turning into the wall - I would feel how ever the wall was if the wall was plain white I felt like I had a coat of white paint all over me and hard like the wall, if the wall was plain or paneled wood I would feel like the bark of a tree hard with lots of slivers and folds to protect me.

how did I know that I was switching, I didnt until after I had been diagnosed and then had years of therapy learning how to pay attention to how I was feeling. after that it was easy. my human body is soft and smooth not hard, springy, wooden, with slivers.

After I was integrated I have many other dissociation symptoms too that go with my having depersonalization like those you describe.

that said -

you have posted in the past about many problems that could be contributed to everything you posted above.so Im not surprised you dont know how you are dissociating and whether your symptoms are dissociation or not.

unfortunately because all the different things you have posted about, could be the cause of whats going on for you. there is no way to know how you are dissociating and what it feels like. the only way you are going to be able to figure this all out is with the help of doctors that can help you get the physical problems under control so that they can be weeded out as being the cause of how you are feeling and a therapist or psychiatrist that can help you get a handle on the mental side of things. with all your other problems managed and taken care of you will be able to differentiate between what problems are your health and other problems and which ones relate to your dissociation problems. then it will be clear to you how you are dissociating and how it feels for you.

keep looking for those treatment providers.

Hi PurpleFlyingMonkeys. I've experienced a lot of different kinds or levels of dissociation. There's a lot of factors that come into play, who's coming out, who's receding, why is the switch happening, how mentally healthy we are other ways. I've experienced black outs, flying away after a spark, sometimes I've literally felt "someone else" tap on my shoulder, and I step back while they step forward. sometimes it's been like being behind a two-way mirror, I can hear what sounds like my voice talking, but I'm not the one saying it, and the one talking can't hear me. Sometimes it's been like having ghost limbs, like I think I'm doing one thing, while something else is happening, and in those moments I just sort of realize it. That probably wasn't very helpful, was it? Since I've been working at it though, I've had far fewer blackouts and much better understanding within myself.

I feel really lucky that I don't (or at least I don't think) I have many blackouts. My switching is often a relay effect, one to another to another, etc. Depending on where I am, what I'm doing and why I'm switching, it can happen very rapidly and then I come back tired, dazed and/or crying because I know exactly what happened and I couldn't stop it. Usually, the switching itself feels like a loss of focus, like sudden tiredness or like a clean cut in a movie, or like in Bewitched when Samantha would appear or disappear or turn into someone else. It took me a long time to figure out it was even happening and now I'm starting to figure what triggers it and thankfully, some of the time, I can stay focused. Now that I know I'm dissociating, when I can't stop it, I at least usually know why it happened. Getting to know your triggers is a huge step. Figuring out, if you can, why they're you're triggers helps even more.

Thanks for the replies they all have been very helpful. Amanda, as always you're right. There is so much going on it's confusing the heck out of me and I think a lot of my problems are reactions to other issues I have been dealing with. Basically these problems keep triggering eachother and it's becoming a huge mess of problems with (I'm hoping) less underlying problems once the weeds get sorted out. I'm just trying to make sense of it for my next appointment.

The thing is I don't know if I'm "switching" or just going through depersonalization phase right now. It is a lot like depersonalization. Example just last night I was watching a movie I used to love as a child (hadn't seen it in years, forgot it was a murder movie) and was talking to my boyfriend and he goes into the kitchen. Sometimes I just ramble and talk and don't really know what I'm talking about at all while I'm saying it and don't even realize I'm having a conversation like that until what happened happened. He was saying something (and I don't remember what he said) but he said my name at the end of his sentence and something just kinda snapped. Like I got pulled back into the conversation. But at first the name didn't make sense and it took a second for me to realize it was me he was talking to.

It was kind of the way I felt after a blackout but the confusing thing is it's the way I also felt after the seizure (with the confusion and being pulled back into myself) and when I fainted and stopped breathing a few years back. So who knows! But when I had the seizure and fainted those were both under extreme stress physically to my body so the doctors think it was related to what I was doing at that time. But it seems so similar. From the start to everything going black to coming back. Only lately I've really been working on grounding skills when I think things are about to go black and have only had about 3 blackouts since August. But get that feeling multiple times a day.

But I was talking to my brother yesterday. Both brothers have PTSD from Iraq. My brother that lives close by called and I missed his call (having dinner with the SOs family) and called when I got home. He had no recollection of calling me. For some reason when he said "I didn't call you, I don't remember calling you" something kinda snapped and I felt everything get really far away. Couldn't hear or feel my body or anything. I had to fight it and focus pretty darn hard to be able to get back out. Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have let it keep pulling me back. But with that seizure I think it would be best to wait for that until I have a doctor present.

Sorry to talk your ears off (or eyes for that matter since you are reading this) The pulling back after I heard him say that I'm curious about. I'm trying to learn my triggers so I'm wondering if it was just the mention of memory loss like that that triggered me or... Do parts try to keep you from knowing about them? Like would they cause you to blackout for the purpose of you not knowing about them or cause you to blackout when it's being validated about them and such?
Yeah, probably need a t to help me out on that to find out what is going on in my case. Now that no employees are here I'm gonna call the t and request and leave her a voice message asking her to call me back.

Thanks for the replies, sorry it's so long, I really have to work on that

And Gretta, your response was very helpful, what you described is something I experience often. And leaf, I have been working a lot lately on figuring out my triggers, but it's really hard because by figuring out my triggers I have to be triggered by them first and they are getting pretty rough to deal with but they are helping me to understand why I am the way I am as well. And helping me know what to avoid.

Thanks again

I just wanted to add that it is entirely possible to dissociate without switching. You can definitely dissociate without having other identities. This wouldn't mean you're just sitting there like a zombie either. You can dissociate, have conversations with others, carry on with tasks you're doing, but not experience what's going on without having alters that come forward. There are also lots of reasons why a person might black out. You can black out from panic attacks, for instance, or for multiple medical reasons. I have had some completely bizarre conversations with my gf that she has no memory of when she has been hypoglycemic.
I hope that doesn't muddy the waters further for you. I still agree that the most important thing to do is to work on identifying triggers and learning how to work past them in a way that's healthy for you. The fact that you've been working on grounding skills and seeing improvement is great! Being able to ground myself has been vital to my being able to get through my days.

Thanks Gretta! It's funny you mention the hypoglycemic as a possible cause, some others have mentioned it before. It was ruled out though. My body does mimmic those symptoms often however. But it does a lot of symptoms, I think it's a lot in relation to my anxiety and phobias, either that or the phantom pain/body memories type thing. It's like I'm a sponge and for some reason I absorb all these symptoms that come in contact with me, but never can find out why.

I've been diagnosed with back problems, irregular heart beat, chronic kidney infections, but no one can figure out why I keep getting kidney infections, can never figure out why I get so much chest pain, so much pain in my rib cage (af if I were kicked in the ribs) this that and the other. I get so many things wrong with me, I don't know if it's all in my head or something physical but the doctors have been trying to figure physical problems out for about 15 years now, I think it's time to try the psych field. I have been to many t's though.

With the blackouts and such it was also suggested I may be epileptic (since I did have one seizure) it was also suggested I was anemic, migraines, angina, numerous things have been mentioned and tested, but they never figure it out.

My brothers used to say that I changed into someone else, they called her "Becky" but in all honesty I couldn't tell you. They are the only ones that have ever said a name with when I blackout. Apparently I had a pretty snippy one in charge in my teen years, I don't swear but apparenly I would cuss my brothers or my mom out frequently. All I recall of the events are the aftermath really. I remember being in the hall walking one day, next thing I know I hear my mom say "What did you say to me?!?!" Apparenly I had told her to f off or something. I didn't though. That was a pretty regular at my home. Not always the anger but a lot of "What did you say?" and me being confused "Nothing?" in response. Still happens now. I was dx'd DID/MPD w/e you wanna call it but it's still not proven to me so I accept any other reasonable explination, but DID still does make the most sense, but denial goes hand in hand with it so yeah, I'm just contradicting myself over and over...

Oh gosh I am talking way too much. I'm stopping here, not important what I have to say anyway....

I hope you don't think I was rejecting the possibility of DID, because I absolutely was not. I know some people resist the idea, or don't "believe" in it, and that is not me at all. I just wanted to present different possibilities. It sounds like you've been very diligent in exploring medical reasons, and you are absolutely right to be exploring possible psych reasons too! People who have been psychologically damaged to the point of DID often have physical problems as well. There are some physical challenges that I have. Many of them are explainable as a result of abuse, some of them are symptoms that cannot be specifically diagnosed or treated, and may be a combination of physical and psychological damage.
And I don't think you talk too much! It IS important what you have to say!!! (if okay)

Thanks again Gr3tta and I didn't take it that way at all. I always like to hear other possibilities because really, until it's "cured" there could be any curve ball thrown that completely changes what I thought was really going on. Until it starts to get fixed, it's anyones guess what it is that needs to be fixed. Unfortunately they don't have psych info coming from lab testing culture testing blood drawing etc... A brain scan can help a little I'm sure, but really it's anyones guess until it's resolved. I appreciate any and all other angles given.

I spent most of my time in doctors offices, the majority of my childhood was spent in the nurses office with one pain or another. Literally, it would make my mom so mad 4 out of 5 days I would have them call my mom to pick me up because I felt so horrible, she was a single full time working 4 jobs mom, she didn't like having to leave work early every day. With all the stomach pains, back pains, private area pains, headaches etc etc etc it is a huge jumbled mess just like my mental health. Somewhere everything went haywire and now I'm in a tangled webb where supposedly everything and anything is wrong with me, but not wrong enough to cause permanant or serious changes, only enough to annoy me or drive me nuts.

It's hard enough seperating the physical problems from emotional problems. Then when you try to sort mental problems and if they were learned problems, result problems, panic problems etc, sorting all of the whys and hows of the mind is another quest on its own. Just need that t to guide the way... Or pc has been doing pretty good with that