I read your entire post, well almost.
I not only understand, but also empathize with your deep despair and disregulation.
I am 21 years old, got my Dx in April of 2011 a few months after my 20th birthday.
I am going through the motions. I started medication soon after and my place on the DBT waiting list came up in October of 2011.
I take Lexapro (Escitalopram) 20 MG and Abilify (Aripiprizole) 2 MG. and I am good about taking them every day. I also show up every week to group and one on one therapy. Only missing group every so oftian.
Sounds functional and great, right? No. While it is true I have made some progress in DBT with realizing my behavior and whatnot, I lie to my therapist about how much drug abuse I engage in. If he knew how much I screw up after I say I won't sometimes, he'd surely give up on me. but even though I screw up sometimes I am still slowely but surely making progress so I just can't have him do that. So I lie. Just like I lie to my primary care doctor to give me the Benzo I won't name for legal reasons to abuse in the first place.
I had been sober for 44 days but a few days ago I screwed up so I'm on day 2 now.
I guess the point of my rambling is we are all works in progress. Each of us at a different level of recovery. I wish I was stronger sometimes but I am learning to use DBT skills over time.
Can't say I agree with a DBT group not being co-ed. Mine is. and though it is taking time, I don't feel DBT is a joke. I am a joke sometimes but it isn't.

Recovery takes time and honesty, even if only a little at a time like for me. So if you want out of this hell bad enough you'll eventually get there. Moving is a wise idea to get away from an ineffective treatment plan, but you can't find fault with every one to the point where you don't go or you will be stuck in a rut.
Know that you aren't alone and if you ever wanna talk I am here. Sometimes having DBT skills reinforced helps for me, I can do taht for you or anyone else in need if needed.