I can't be alone. Contains triggers.

I'm not new here.
I used to post on the bipolar forum.
I was rediagnosed.

Recently, I decided I would change all my own medicine based on the fact that my pdoc NP is an idiot and doesn't listen to me. It's been six months that I've been filling my prescriptions that I don't take and lying to her. I moved so I could have a valid excuse to see someone new.

Actually, that's not true. I moved in with my boyfriend. It wasn't to get away from my pdoc, but if I knew that was the easiest way to do it, I would've done it a long time ago. My tdoc doesn't listen to me either, but I lie to both of them so constantly that I don't know what's real anymore.

I don't think I need to be on Risperdal because I'm not schizophrenic or OCD...even if I do have SERIOUS picking problems. At least I'm not cutting myself anymore. I haven't been in the hospital for over eight months. I read that hospitalization isn't effective in reducing ideation so I'm never going back based on that. The same study said that suicide contracts were ineffective and may even worsen the depth of emotion. I refuse to promise someone I won't take what rightfully belongs to me.

I'm on Wellbutrin SR 150mg (x2) and Klonopin 1mg (x2), but so often I stockpile the clonazepam for some "event" in the future or because I'm afraid my insurance will run out (which it has as of the first...thanks medicaid) or something will happen and I'll be without it. My anxiety is too high to be controlled by 2mg a day. Often, I take significantly more. And, in that I currently have about 300mg, I think I can maintain this. I know it's addictive, but Buspar doesn't help. Nothing helps. DBT is a joke, but my tdoc "graduated" me from therapy because I said that. She thinks I need group therapy. No men are allowed in the group because we're all *****s, right? I hate this. I hate people. I don't want to listen to other people pretending they understand me with their grandiose visions of self. I read that people who are too far in their crisis hole aren't able to highly function at group, let alone even show up half the time.

I'm rambling. It's 3am. I can't sleep. Yesterday I slept an hour and a half. The day before 4 hours. I have trazadone, but it doesn't work. I'm on 300mg, but I don't take it anymore. I'm not allowed to have Ambien because of my past attempts, but I can have 60mg of klonopin a month? Screw you, Pdoc.

I called my "old" tdoc that I graduated from today and let her know I was in crisis/had called a hotline or used a chatline four times in the last two days, haven't been taking my medication, been habitually smoking marijuana the entire time I've been in treatment (and when I'm high seems to be when I'm most highly functioning and have the least anxiety. The feeling lasts long after I'm over the "high."), that I regularly participate in self harm, that I sleep 20 hours a day or 2 hours a day depending on my mood, that I've been doing reckless things and don't have any regard for my personal safety.

She said she would help me and called my new treatment location to see if they could move up the in take from this coming Friday to...any time before then. My case worker called me today and, of course, I missed the call. She just wanted to confirm that my appointment was on Friday and she didn't feel I needed to be moved up. Of course, MY life isn't an emergency. I don't like her already. So much black and white.

Recently, I met a guy on the internet also on SSDI and with similar problems who I had no interest in at all except that I can't be alone. I got drunk and gave him my boyfriend's address (where I live)...I still can't call it my own home. I was black out drunk. I don't remember inviting him. Sober, I'm pretty sure that I MIGHT make the right decision and meet someone I don't know in a public place with a way to protect myself. He showed up as my boyfriend was leaving for work. I was in my pajamas...I had no recollection of inviting this weirdo over and to make it even better, it was my boyfriend's birthday and it's not like he hadn't just lost his mother and grandmother in the last two months. He was furious with me. Didn't come home from work. Got home around 10pm, drunk, and still sweltering with the heat of anger.

He told me that he trusts me, but he doesn't trust my ability to make safe decisions. He's completely right. I need help. NOW. but that isn't possible. I tell hotlines that I don't have a plan because they will send a crisis van or the police based on how far along I am, but if I don't tell them, they talk for a minute and tell me other people really need help. If only I could tell them about the alley and the newspapers and my problems reduced to milligrams and reasons to forget. I love him so much. He's the only thing keeping me here right now. He's 28 and he'll never hug his mother again. I need to do his laundry and cook for him and give him his pills and remind him to brush his teeth. I can't even do this for myself, but I need to do it for him. He's the only person that's ever meant anything to me. Maybe that's an exaggeration. He's the only person that's ever meant as much to me as I think I mean to him. And still I think he might or is cheating on me and doesn't be around me and would probably be better off without me. Luckily, I haven't even thought about cheating on him...which is weird for me.

They say most of us are in complete remission by 30. I have four years to even out so I can be "normal" in my own subconscious which disregulates me quite a lot.

I don't know how to live. I don't know how to handle my finances. I don't know how to have healthy relationships. I don't know how to make friends. I don't have any idea who I am or how I feel.

But I'm a published writer that got paid for my submission. Most writers don't live to see a dime. I have an AA. It took me 8 years to get it. It isn't good for anything, but my plan was to continue school anyways. I'm too smart to just start, but now I owe a major university $2500 for thinking that I couldn't handle everything I was going through. Also, who majors in psychology just because you know it already and it will be easy? Thanks for the advice, Mom.

She also said the other day that I should follow my dreams and not let my fear of word problems in physics interfere with my plans. I'd like that to be the only reason I can't live up to my dreams right now, but I just can't be in a real classroom. Online degree it is.

I can't go back to a call center with angry people screaming at me all day and sitting in the bathroom stall between the wall and the toilet sobbing uncontrollably with two benzos under my tongue. Mmmmm....mint. That was 2007 to 2009. It seems so far away. Too far away. It seems further away in high school, but I know it's not. I can't remember most of my life.

I'm ashamed of who I am. I just want to be better. I don't know why I can't find the skills I need to get better. I still meditate every day even though I feel mindfulness is ridiculous.

I'm supposed to self affirm in the mirror and recite how I feel.

I am a beautiful empty vessel not capable of living in a body that feels more like a shell than part of me.

That's a good start.

I haven't created anything in years. I have nothing left to say because I sit at home and sleep a lot. Sit outside smoking cigarettes and watching the clouds and the birds. I just want to feel grass. This desert is making me feel trapped. I love this place, I never want to leave.

My name is Amanda. I am not borderline...I HAVE borderline personality disorder. You will not assign me a name and determine that I'm untreatable. I will never stop fighting for this even if it comes to an end as fights often do.

Everything triggers me. It's too warm in here so I'm crying hysterically. Can't wake up the boyfriend. Someone has to work. He expects me to work soon. I don't know how to make it to the end of the week let alone how I could manage a job or school right now.

I'm going to sleep. Someone. Someone say something please. Don't say "I'm sorry." Don't say "I know how you feel." Don't sympathize.

I just want to sleep as long as I can, but every time I stop for a breath and close my eyes, the panic comes and racing and fear. Of what? Of failing. Of being me forever.

I can't ramble anymore. I've taken up too much of your time already. I don't have any friends so I'm writing this letter to you and you and you. My "real" acquaintances are tired of goodbye letters. I am too.

How do you do it? How?

hello Amanda!! I am Amanda too and I also have BPD. However I am 43 (almost) and I am not going to sugarcoat things and say things will magically improve for you overnight because they won't, but what I CAN tell you is that with the right help and education and the right medication it is possible to live a fairly stable and non-chaotic life with this poxy disorder. I don't have any friends either apart frm my long-suffering partner of 18 years and my dog. What i have learnt to do is accept myself for what I am and learn to like myself and be a friend to myself. In time you too will learn this. take care of yourself.

I want to respect your wishes. So I'm just going to say you can read my blog that I just started, and it tells you how I got threw some of it. I have more to write, and I'll keep writing every day. Check it out. It may or may not help you. Much love to you!

Medication helps symptoms. There is no "chemical cure" for straight and forward BPD. Overnight? I've been in the system for 13 years. I think I'm only a tinsy bit beyond assuring me it will eventually get better, but not "overnight."
How can you love or even like someone you don't even know? I don't know what friends are. I had one once. For 13 years. She slept with my boyfriend of three years the entire time I knew him, gave me something, then married him a month after him and I broke up because I was "mean" all the time. The concept of a friend isn't real or comforting to me. I'd rather be alone then risk that again. And I know there are no good people in the world.

The second part of this diatribe response was a letter about how I dislike you...black and white black and white....which is probably because maybe I don't want to have the "you'll get better with the right skills" conversation. Screw the right skills. Deep breathing, telling people how I feel, and imagining my problems float away on leaves on a stream under a gnarled oak tree doesn't help anyone.

Not helpful. Finding a pdoc, self advocacy, and Rachel Reiland? I've been around.

I'm cranky. I'm taking another sleeping pill and going back to sleep.

Just got a call from my caseworker. Appointment moved from Friday at 3 to Monday at 2:45.

Then, she asked if I would make it through the weekend.

I said, "I certainly hope so...they pay you for this?"

She then proceeded to ask me if I had the numbers to crisis lines. I definitely don't like you, woman.

Hate to say it but this magical number of 30 and remission is ********. Don't know where you heard that but I am 31 and feeling more of the symptoms of bpd than ever...or maybe I am realizing, I don't know but either way it is best to get that info out of your head. I don't know why you think you are so different compared to every other bpd out there. Frankly you sound like you could do the dbt again and maybe try to apply it. Ya the questions seem like grade school questions and almost mock your intelligence but at the same time judging by your responses to these replies it seems like nothing got through to you. Self serving, selfishness is a part of the disorder ya but being so rude and expecting so much from everyone but yourself is going to leave you very lonely. People aren't going to fix you, you have your own agenda so what more do you want or expect from anyone else? Aha...this is supposed to be your wake up moment...fix your own self and don't ask for help when you already know the answer.

This was a rhetorical rant, but I think pushing the buttons of people who are unstable is a good idea too!

If I pushed your buttons that was not my intention, it was more like a wake up, take control of your own destiny and take the help along the way.

You mean like how I meditate every day even though I feel it doesn't help me? Or how I call my docs when I need help even if I don't think they're capable? Or how I use hotlines even when I know I could be sacrificing my freedom by doing so?

If the help was helpful, I would take it.

Shouldn't you be brainstorming with a T on what would be helpful for you? Or maybe could you not look at the help as so black and white and expecting the worse possible answer and appreciate the effort to even hear you out?

If you read my post you would know that my tdoc broke up with me because she thinks I've learned all the skills from DBT and that if I apply them every day, it will be helpful. I definitely try. I haven't given up. Also, see above. If you recognize that one of the symptoms of BPD IS black and white thinking then maybe you would have a clue?

I'm considered high functioning for someone who has BPD. I'm searching out a new pdoc and tdoc so I can actually get help rather than just be ignored.

You didn't read past the angst, I see. I needed to vent. Perhaps I should've just put this on a blog so you would not have felt compelled to lecture me about my own health.

I read it, I have bpd so know what black and white is...sometimes it has to pointed out...thought I was doing you a favour. Good on you with your high functioning bpd life, I just didn't realize that high functioning involved being rude to people trying to help you. Maybe once I get there I can be more on your level and we can whine about how bad we have it and that everyone is mere peons in our lives because we are much more educated on the 'help factor'. You come across like no one has taught you anything and they are just idiots there for you to shut down, control thing or something?? But carry on ok Sounds like it's going great for you

I'm going to respectfully ask you to refrain from commenting on any of my comments. I consider this malicious.

I don't think anyone was being malicious to you. They were just talking to you. You're in a "too smart for your own good" place right now, and it sounds like you have a lot of people around you who enable you. At this point, who could tell you anything? Venting is fine, but not taking constructive criticism is another. Sorry my blog didn't help, but...I don't think much has sunk in for you yet. You may have been around, but you're none the wiser for it. This is a kick in the pants. Take it, and thank us for it. We only want what is best for everyone here, including you. So quit having your pity party, get off the pot, and do something about it. Try...really try, and take a step down from the high horse and pedestal you've put yourself on, and get back down to reality. Do the work, and let it sink in, and put your guard down. I can understand you being in a mood, but snap out of it! And take a look at yourself!

Can someone contact DocJohn and ask him to delete my profile? I'm just going to go to sleep. Thank you everyone.

Chaotic, you're way too "in your face for me" and you hurt me a lot. I want to apologize, but I don't know where to start so I'm just going to stop logging in here anymore.

It was obviously a mistkae to come back.

Somebody please delete my profile.

It wasn't a mistake to come back. You always have the option of not talking to people on here. Take a deep breath. Go back to sleep, and reflect. You need sleep. Don't be our stereotype and push us away. Being here is good for you. It really is.

Hey...you pm-ed me, and I don't think you got my message back, cause you're not on. But this should get to you. I don't think there is any way you can delete your profile. I've seen a few try, with no avail. You have been a two year member, and have gone threw DBT. Come be useful here. We all go through 'stuff', and maybe you could be an asset here, if you calm down a little, and gain some perspective. You mentioned to me in our pm that my blog was for beginners. Ya...it sure is for beginners. But I'm going to keep writing, and one of the things I'm going to write abut is, that right now, I'm also in a "know it all place"...but I'm always surprised at how a newbie can remind me of the real deal. Back to basics sort of thing, but I can always see how I've grown...and the reminders are helpful.

I read your entire post, well almost.
I not only understand, but also empathize with your deep despair and disregulation.
I am 21 years old, got my Dx in April of 2011 a few months after my 20th birthday.
I am going through the motions. I started medication soon after and my place on the DBT waiting list came up in October of 2011.
I take Lexapro (Escitalopram) 20 MG and Abilify (Aripiprizole) 2 MG. and I am good about taking them every day. I also show up every week to group and one on one therapy. Only missing group every so oftian.
Sounds functional and great, right? No. While it is true I have made some progress in DBT with realizing my behavior and whatnot, I lie to my therapist about how much drug abuse I engage in. If he knew how much I screw up after I say I won't sometimes, he'd surely give up on me. but even though I screw up sometimes I am still slowely but surely making progress so I just can't have him do that. So I lie. Just like I lie to my primary care doctor to give me the Benzo I won't name for legal reasons to abuse in the first place.
I had been sober for 44 days but a few days ago I screwed up so I'm on day 2 now.
I guess the point of my rambling is we are all works in progress. Each of us at a different level of recovery. I wish I was stronger sometimes but I am learning to use DBT skills over time.
Can't say I agree with a DBT group not being co-ed. Mine is. and though it is taking time, I don't feel DBT is a joke. I am a joke sometimes but it isn't.

Recovery takes time and honesty, even if only a little at a time like for me. So if you want out of this hell bad enough you'll eventually get there. Moving is a wise idea to get away from an ineffective treatment plan, but you can't find fault with every one to the point where you don't go or you will be stuck in a rut.
Know that you aren't alone and if you ever wanna talk I am here. Sometimes having DBT skills reinforced helps for me, I can do taht for you or anyone else in need if needed.

I totally agree with you. I just had a "moment" that lasted longer than I liked it too and I wasn't getting help and I'm in transition and A LOT is going on in my life. Things are crumbly, but I'm building myself back up. I pulled out my DBT book and started filling that crap out. Never gonna give up.

p.s. one day at a time. It's not relapse, it's progress with some bumps.