I can't do that. Even though I say I want to talk with another therapist, I don't think I could. I can't open up to another one. Don't have the money to do that anyway. Somehow, I am going to have to work through this. I am going to start journaling about my feelings/emotions and hopefully be able to give it to her when we meet next week.

Deep down, I know she won't reject me or be upset. She never gets upset when I admit something to her. She encourages honesty no matter what it is that I need to say. It is my own insecurity and fear talking when I say she might get mad at me or terminate me.

We are working through some issues that are related to sex. That would be my husband's addiction to pornography. He has been working very hard to change that behavior. I am proud of him for that. But I have years of abuse that has built up because of the shame I have carried due to his addiction. There is alot of hurt there for me. That is why I am confused as to why I think stuff about her when it hurts me so bad the things I have seen my husband do.

She will more than likely tell me that my emotions are coming up pretty strong right now because I am finally willing to face the pain. She will see this as a good sign. She will tell me that my emotions about this have been suppressed for so long that they confuse me. She will say that the sexual issue is not about her, but about what she represents. I am not sure what all that means.

I don't understand why I think about her in that way. Why does that happen and what does it mean? That is what is driving me crazy! I don't think about anyone else that way. Why her? She tells me that I have been in two abusive marriages and that they did not have very healthy sexual boundaries. This is why I don't know what a real sexual relationship should be like. You can't know something that you have never had, so you when you are faced with sexual feelings, you don't know how to respond. This is what gets so many people into situations they regret later on.

She also said something like I am starved for love and affection. Since I don't love myself, I seek that out from others. Once I learn to love myself and accept myself just as I am, she tells me that my emotions will be easier for me to sort out. I won't be seeking so much validation from others. When you do that, you get mixed signals. You may think someone is thinking one thing, but they may not be. Your interpretation of their actions can be really distorted and this messes things up!