It's encouraging to hear that you do recall some happy times in your youth. That's good. What happened to change that, I don't know. Did your parents start having arguments back as a tween? Did someone that you were close to get removed from your life? Do you have any brothers or sisters?

It is sad to hear that you've purposely harmed yourself and that you can see a pattern of boys using & losing you. I've been there ~ no fun. It sounds to me as though you're using every signal you can think of to call for your parents help and attention. And you aren't getting it from either of them.

I'd say that your best option is to see a therapist (T). Some people are only comfortable in talking with a pastor, others feel real connected with a special teacher or neighbor. Personally, I lean more strongly towards a T. A professional with some expertise in dealing with issues like these. A big part of you is anxious to have some relief from this anxiety and depression. I hope that you find the right T for you very soon!

Gentle hugs to you