Rapunzel said it really well with regard to the need to "test" people to make them prove they care about you, and how destructive this can be. If you can, I would talk directly to your therapist about this. In the end, it is you who have to care about yourself enough to keep up the fight. I think you do or you wouldn't be posting the way that you do. It feels like you know that but don't know where the door is to get there. I think that should be one of your goals if you can talk to your therapist about that. There are and will be people who care and want to help, but no one will ever know what you need and be invested as much as you are in your well-being.

However with regard to the pdoc, making a specific promise to call and then not following through seems really bad. It is possible he has a good reason but in that case he should call at some point to apologize and explain. I think that is just common curtousy for anyone, let alone someone who should have an inkling of how important keeping a promise to you is and the potential consequenses.

I do want you to consider if you have let your depression and distrust of people discolor the situation. Did he really make a distinct promise to you to call that day (is telling your parents he will call the same thing? Did he know they told you and were expecting a call? Could they have misconstrued the message, maybe he said he will call sometime during the week or something? Maybe he said he would call your therapist or call them or something and they misunderstood?)

But if he really did promise to call and then didn't, and furthermore if he leads you to believe that he thinks you actions are insignificant and/or the solution is to ignore them, then it is definitely time to seek someone different. If you think this could possibly be a false impression you have of him I would try to talk to him about it. If you always feel that way with him though, it doesn't matter much what his intentions are, even if he is a great pdoc then maybe he isn't right for you.

I don't necessarily think that you should keep switching docs until you find one who will dote on you and fulfil your need to have people prove themselves, because I think it would be better to find someone you trust to help you not need that so much. But you should definitely not be with someone who makes distinct actions that lead you to feel bad and insecure about yourself.

In any case please stay with treatment. Remember too there are hotlines to call if you really feel bad and you can also go to an ER if you feel you are in danger. These are actions you can take to prove that you care about yourself. Keep posting here for support and keep doing the best you can to get through this. With some hope and effort things really can be better.

Oh and BTW long rants are welcome here, no need to feel bad about it. Having a place to vent among people who understand is a part of what this place is about.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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