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Old Mar 19, 2004, 09:28 PM
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poptardqueen poptardqueen is offline
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So, I havent been around here in a while. Sometimes I read over the stuff, keep up with a few people I have had somewhat close contact with. Alot has been going on, and as of recent I have no one to turn to. Everyone is mad at me for hurting myself: my parents, my roommate, my friends, a guy i was dating, my psych, my Pdoc. I tried to kill myself yet again on wed night, and got caught again, What scares me is that this time it was definately more intentional than the first. I know this probably sounds horrible and brings everyone down, but I always thought that after having a close call with death by my own hand, that some sort of epiphany would come to me, and I would realize how many people cared about me and needed me. But it's only encouraged me. The first time I was put in the hospital. I met some nice people, but they did absolutely nothing for me in the way of making me feel better. Took me off some medications, which I was then put back on again by my doc. I always told myself that if i ever got to the point where I had to go the hospital, that that would be as low as I could possibly go.

Well, in the past few days I've cashed harder than I EVER have. Tried to kill myself again, but this time I even went past my tame sleeping pills, to the serious stuff. The stash that I have kept since I was 13 (im 19 now). This is what scares me, because this stuff could kill me so easily (seeing as it is barbituates and potent pain pills and such). I only took these after I had taken the other, but I came to the realization that I really didnt care anymore. I took some with my parents waiting outside the door of my bathroom after having to come over and potentially take me to the hospital again.
The main trigger I have is the idea that my doctors have even given up on me. Is anyone else triggered SO severely by this idea as I am. It makes me feel so needy and petty, but I usually do drastic things only after I have talked to my Pdocs and Therapist on that same day, because I get the feeling that they barely even know who I am and have no real hope that they can do anything for me. Now my therapist has redeemed herself time and time again, I know she really cares for me. But she was so mad at me when I saw her today because I talked to her just before I took the pills, and failed to say anything to her. Shes mad because I wont let her help me. I understand this. And she understands how much I am triggered by feeling neglected by her and my Pdoc. Thing is, my parents talked to my pdoc on wed night, which ended with him adamently telling my parents that he would call and talk to me EARLY the next morning. So I waited all day for his call. Even called his office and left a messae for him to call me later on thurs. So, here I am at 8:30 on friday night and he has yet to call me. This is so disenchanting, almost encouraging. It feels like he is blanantly saying that my attempts are petty, and something to be ignored and dismissed. Maybe he;s mad at me, maybe he really doesnt even know who I am or even care. Should I be really offended/concerned by the fact that he hasnt called me? Am I overreacting? This really makes me want to find another doc, but I dont want to give up because i think i have the potential to like him and have been seeing him since September. But anyways, I was just looking for some advice from anyone here, since you all have helped me in the past, and apparently no one else is concerned with my well-being in my immediate life.

-Kelly-


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  #2  
Old Mar 20, 2004, 10:45 AM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. sigh.....(beware, long rant ahead) I don't know why your pdoc hasn't called you - it would bother me that he said he would and just didn't too. Sometimes professionals really mess up. I know they are busy, and they have so many people to worry about, but if they say they will call or anything else, they should keep their word. Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the grease though, so if you need to talk to him, maybe you need to keep calling. Maybe he is at a loss as to what else to try, and is trying to think of something before talking to you?

It must get so frustrating for people to keep trying to help when your actions say that you don't really want to get better. When you talked to your therapist on Wednesday, did you know what you were going to do that night? Or was it more of a later trigger and a sudden impulse. If they have noticed that when you talk to your therapist and your pdoc then you do this to yourself, maybe they just don't want to trigger that pattern again. Even though they care about you, if they honestly feel that you are better served by them not seeing you, then can you see how they might respond to that?

It's hard to accept that people really care about you. I understand needing to continually test them and try to get evidence that they really do. But it doesn't help you to do that. As much as they care, nobody can help you if you don't let them, and do your part. Ultimately, all of the real effort in your recovery has to be yours, because that is the only thing that can make you better. They can encourage and support you, and provide you with medication and advice and all they other assistance that they can think of, but ultimately it is still up to you.

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  #3  
Old Mar 20, 2004, 11:42 AM
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dexter dexter is offline
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Rapunzel said it really well with regard to the need to "test" people to make them prove they care about you, and how destructive this can be. If you can, I would talk directly to your therapist about this. In the end, it is you who have to care about yourself enough to keep up the fight. I think you do or you wouldn't be posting the way that you do. It feels like you know that but don't know where the door is to get there. I think that should be one of your goals if you can talk to your therapist about that. There are and will be people who care and want to help, but no one will ever know what you need and be invested as much as you are in your well-being.

However with regard to the pdoc, making a specific promise to call and then not following through seems really bad. It is possible he has a good reason but in that case he should call at some point to apologize and explain. I think that is just common curtousy for anyone, let alone someone who should have an inkling of how important keeping a promise to you is and the potential consequenses.

I do want you to consider if you have let your depression and distrust of people discolor the situation. Did he really make a distinct promise to you to call that day (is telling your parents he will call the same thing? Did he know they told you and were expecting a call? Could they have misconstrued the message, maybe he said he will call sometime during the week or something? Maybe he said he would call your therapist or call them or something and they misunderstood?)

But if he really did promise to call and then didn't, and furthermore if he leads you to believe that he thinks you actions are insignificant and/or the solution is to ignore them, then it is definitely time to seek someone different. If you think this could possibly be a false impression you have of him I would try to talk to him about it. If you always feel that way with him though, it doesn't matter much what his intentions are, even if he is a great pdoc then maybe he isn't right for you.

I don't necessarily think that you should keep switching docs until you find one who will dote on you and fulfil your need to have people prove themselves, because I think it would be better to find someone you trust to help you not need that so much. But you should definitely not be with someone who makes distinct actions that lead you to feel bad and insecure about yourself.

In any case please stay with treatment. Remember too there are hotlines to call if you really feel bad and you can also go to an ER if you feel you are in danger. These are actions you can take to prove that you care about yourself. Keep posting here for support and keep doing the best you can to get through this. With some hope and effort things really can be better.

Oh and BTW long rants are welcome here, no need to feel bad about it. Having a place to vent among people who understand is a part of what this place is about.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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--sigh.....(beware, long rant ahead)
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  #4  
Old Mar 20, 2004, 01:37 PM
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PlanningtoLive PlanningtoLive is offline
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{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}

I saw your post last night, but couldn't climb out enough to answer you.

I'll give you the standard one that docs use - once you SI, they stop contact with you for 24 hours afterwards. I disagree with the reason behind their answer, but you can't fight it.

I wish I could say or do something that would magically help you or make you believe that people do care. I hope you realize that mine is genuine, and that you can PM me anytime at all.

And yes, once you have really tried to do it, it becomes easier. Please don't let yourself get pulled into that feeling of comfort - I'm fighting it all the time and it really drains me.

I'm not going to let you fall out of our boat - we've rowed too far together.

xoxo

Mary Alice

sigh.....(beware, long rant ahead)
  #5  
Old Mar 21, 2004, 05:31 PM
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poptardqueen poptardqueen is offline
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Hey dear rapunzel,
Thank you for the kind words. I definately have to agree with you on many points, even though on some levels I of course don't want to .

My Pdoc finally called me back about 10 that night. Didn't have the nerve to ask him why if took so long, but he was very nice about it and soundd genuinely concerned about me. When I talked to my therapist I didnt know what was going to go down that night. Things tend to progress from bad to worse VERY fast with me. When I talked to her on Friday we definately adressed how they trigger me, since I am so needy and easily feel shunned upon talking to them, which leads me to hurt myself, often in extreme ways. As silly as if sounds, I know I do react to them badly many times, and logically I understand them pulling back, but it still hurts emotionally since I put so much on them.

You are exactly right about how this testing of them doesnt help, its just that sometimes it makes so much sense and I can't seem to cope any other way (something which I am trying to work on in the DBT I have been in about 3 weeks now). And as much as I deny it, i know that i am at the point where only I can help myself. Its just so hard to accept and act on this But I am trying to the best of my ability, even though thats not very much right now. Thank you so much for caring darling

-Kelly

  #6  
Old Mar 21, 2004, 05:40 PM
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poptardqueen poptardqueen is offline
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dex:

Rapunzel was definately right when talking about testing people, and I have talked to my therapist about this. I suppose it's a step at least openly acknowledging it maybe. I know that I am the only person who can help me at the end of the day, and I'm trying to make myself act on and believe this.
My pdoc did finally call me late after I posted, I didnt ask why he waited so long though. I dont think he really knows how much I put on him and my therapist, and I am sure you are right about my emotions probably warping the situation. I am not sure what exactly was said, I was only told he was going to call and check up on me the following morning. I think it is probably a false impression like you said, I just find myself trying to turn the world against me constantly, and since my doctors are so 'involved' in my life, I really let any action they do turn into something it is not. I know I am in no position to change doctors at the moment, and I think I really need to just change how I interpret their actions and realize that it's ok that I am not the center of their universe.

I want to prove that I care about myself, but everyone is so mad at me right now that its only making me feel worse about myself. I'm trying to steer clear of them and stay safe so that I do not dissapoint further. I do feel worse now, but I know now that it is imperative for me to at least stay alive for the time being, which is a step for me. I really do hope things get better now, I'm just waiting I guess.

Anyways, thank you for not hating me for babbling so much. It really does help to have people like you & rapunzel & mary alice to listen
I appreciate it more than you all could ever know

<3 Kelly

  #7  
Old Mar 21, 2004, 05:45 PM
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poptardqueen poptardqueen is offline
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(((((((Mary Alice)))))))

I've missed you darling . I suppose I do realize that my doctors do have to retain some sort of professionalism and distance, its just hard to not interpret this as cold and uncaring sometimes unfortunately.

I know you really do care, you have proven this to me time and time again . I know you are there, the only obstacle is actually me getting up and asking for help, which is a major fault/downfall of mine. '

I know it does become easier, and I am trying so hard to not be seduced by these notions. But what matters is that we are both still here and still rowing I really appreciate the kind words hun, and know that I am here for you every bit as much as you are here for me. We've been through alot, and I guess we just need to keep on keeping on, despite the call of the waves.

*giant hugs*

<3 Kelly <3

  #8  
Old Mar 22, 2004, 12:24 AM
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PlanningtoLive PlanningtoLive is offline
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***************hugs*******************

I reacted the same way you did, Kelly, when my T did that to me - pulling away. I told him that it triggered me even more and that to me, he "didn't care".

I can't ask for help either, so it's okay.......lol. Want to set up some kind of signal? sigh.....(beware, long rant ahead) That way the words never actually cross our lips.

Between the two of us, this boat may capsize yet......[sigh]. What do you think of DBT? Mine keeps throwing it at me, but I generally know what he is going to say before he finishes - I've done my homework on the subject and studied the worksheets/handouts.

I (as usual) am fighting him over his little "exercises" and things he wants me to do. I just don't know any more about anything.

Stay in touch, ok? xoxoxoxoxo

sigh.....(beware, long rant ahead)
  #9  
Old Mar 23, 2004, 12:09 AM
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poptardqueen poptardqueen is offline
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Yes, reacting that way is instinctual to me, but is often very destructive and leaves me feeling like a shell. Sometimes I feel like the guy from what about bob?, ha. One day I suppose.

Maybe we can set up some magic language to better ask each other for help. hrmmm..... I think this might help us both perhaps.

Lets not talk about the boat capsizing (despite the fact that it's ALL we think about most of the time probably). DBT is ok, its just so hard to actually put the lessons I learn to real practical use, because when I get caught up in an 'emotional storm' I can never see past the clouds to anything reasonable. Its hard to even try or care at the point im at right now. I am still hangin in there though, hoping that one day I will have an epiphany while in group. More than anything it gives me some sort of structure and expectation to live up to, which helps me to some extent. The 'exercises are all too easy to resist, all the 'homework' and such. Life just isn't the same on the outside as it is within the therapy setting where it all seems so easy to do these things. I'd say give it a try though. It can't hurt, which is why I'm there.

I will try and keep in touch. I'm being unwittingly dragged to the beach this week by my mother, who is terrified of leaving me to my own devices for another week given the events of last week. So I am stuck with her :: But I will check here often, and will be thinking of you as always You keep in touch (and safe) too doll!

*hugs*

Kelly

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