I tried to post this earlier but I guess I messed it up.

I slipped again yesterday and picked up a bottle on my way home from the store. Forgot to take the naltrexone and had a few drinks which started the craving for coke so I pickup a small amount.

When my wife came home she called me out on it and proceeded to yell at me as she usually does. She doesn't understand that the main reason I use these substances is that I don't get the kindness and support from her I so desparately need.

She says that I'm trying to blame her and wants me to go see a therapist although I've seen several over the past few years with not much results.

I just wish she would show me some compassion instead of anger and that she knew how great it would be to just have her give me a hug sometimes or hold my hand or sit beside me. We sleep in the same bed but she seems to pull as far away as possible so it feels like I'm all alone there too.

I've never abused her or taken money from her in all this time and I just can't understand why she seems to hate me so much because I still love her. She asked me once what I'd do if the situation was reversed and I said I'd hold her, kiss her, be there for her no matter what but that seems to be a foreign concept to her.

The substances are efforts to kill the pain of loneliness and feeling like nothing most of the time. I just wish she'd try to help me instead of railing on me.

I was out of work for a couple of years but managed to pay my part of the bills and have been working for about a year now but make very little and just found out i have to pay several hundred dollars in income tax due to having to pull money out of my 401K last year.

I've been trying to be frugal as there are some days I don't eat much if anything so I can have money for gas. I've been buying groceries for the house but there have been a couple of months I couldn't pay her anything and she keeps threatening to throw me out.

I'm hurting so bad right now and I just don't understand how people can treat other people like this.

I wish I was brave enough to end it all but I guess I'm just a coward at heart.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

TM