Final Relapse

I posted a little about myself the other day in New Member Introductions. For over five years I've been abusing alcohol and cocaine. I went to my doctor the other day and he prescribed naltrexone as I want to change the way I relate to alcohol to a "normal" way, if there is such a thing.

Foolishly, I decided to get some drugs to do "just one last time" and admitted that I'd gotten them to my wife which destroyed some of the faith I thought had been building up.

I'm determined not to relapse regardless of the cravings or my mindset (my job pretty much sucks and i might be let go at the end of the month - not related to the above mentioned problem).

I want desperately to be able to discuss my thoughts and feeling with my wife and have her to be there for me not just as my partner but also as my friend but she gets very angry and that overrides any other thoughts.

Today is Day One for me as far as no more drugs. Picked up smoking cigarettes again along the way and that's over too. I'm going to seriously work the naltrexone using the Sinclair Method as that approach makes the most sense to me.

Have been to several meetings of AA and CA but can't buy into the Twelve Step programs. In addition to starting the job search again (just in case) I plan to try to keep myself busy with projects and away from people and places that could be triggers.

I've also lied to my wife on more than a few occassions out of shame and guilt and that ends now too. I hope she can accept this going forward and try to judge me on my actions in the future as I can't change the past.

Thanks for reading this and if you have any suggestions, they'd be greatly appreciated.

TexasMan

welcome to pc! lots of great support here. we're here for you in this forum re addictions and recovery. hope we can offer support. scuse me for speaking up for others. but i've found incredible people here who understand what your goals are and challenges that may impede our way.
glad u've made a start in getting clean and know i wish you well on your journey to sobriety. keep us posted!

Hi TexasMan, Welcome to PC

Congrats!!! on your decision and also a clean 24. Reading your post was like yep.. yep..been there done that. Your not alone.

Welcome! Sometimes our significant other will not get it, and that's ok. Don't let that stop you from staying sober. Do what ever works for you to stay sober and not use. Sounds like you have a plan and that is great, just stick with it. We are here to help. I wish you well.

Great work on making that courageous and difficult first step.

What worked great for me when I was addicted to xtc and alcohol was finding healthy 'addictions'. Sport is a great way to feel good and do something healthy.

Have you considered signing up for a gym or some other sport, like cycling or something?

It can really help you out. It can give you a good feeling afterwards, take your mind and attention of drugs, and it makes you healthy, and besides, you start to look better too, which is a big bonus.

I also want to say that quitting drugs when your friends are doing drugs is very difficult. If you have friends that also do cocaine and alcohol, it's a good idea to take some distance from them the coming weeks and months. You don't have to totally cut contact, but being around people that use drugs while you are trying to quit makes things so much more difficult.

For me I found that an addiction is essentially a spiritual emptiness in your inner being, that you try to fill with material substances. It's a sort of self-medicating for your existential suffering and emptiness. You should try to find things that fill your inner being with meaning, hope, and purpose. Being around the right people helps and doing sports helped a lot for me too. Good luck!

Thanks to all to all who were kind enough to post words of encouragement. I slipped again yesterday and my wife called me out on it. That I had coming but when she gets angry and yells and screams at me it just makes me want to sink back into oblivion.

I think I took too much valium to compensate and also had a couple of drinks and started feeling very out of things and told her but she didn't seem to care.

Later in bed, I reached out for her just to hold her hand and she pulled away from me. She's been pulling away for a long time and that just makes it harder to stay on the road to recovery. She seems to care more about being right than about me.

Just hurting again but I guess after all this time I should be used to it.

Thanks to all you kind folks for listening (reading?) my ramblings.

Texas Man

Hang in there!

I've been right where you are. Hang in there and don't give up. I wish your wife understood a little more that this sort of thing happens, but hopefully she will in time. Focus right now on YOU and your own recovery. Everything else will fall into place eventually.

Moment by moment, man. You can do it. Just keep hanging in there.

Texas man I can totally relate, my significant other is the same way. She triggers me by not supporting me in recovery, she's very angry instead. You will find support here, Here's to keeping clean and sober!

...wow, I just read up on the 'sinclair method'. I had never heard of it... I was involved in the trials of naltrexone for alcoholism in Australia about 6 years ago and ended up taking it for about 3 years. The intention for the way I was to use it was just abstinence....and the drug kinda worked immediately for me like that anyway. I still stuggled at times and found that with both alcohol and the naltrexone in my system at the same time it was not a good effect for me...but as this sinclair method suggests...it must work for others.

all the best with it texasman

If you want any information about what it was like just let me know...I went mainly on and then sometimes off and then all over the place with it but had a pretty good run at it for a while...it did stop the thoughts of booze and I got a fair bit done during that time.

G'luck with recovery Texas man.

"Progress, not perfection..." those words help me.

brook

Well, I slipped again yesterday. I was off and wasn't planning on drinking at all but picked up a bottle out of habit after going by the store. Forgot to take the naltrexone and ended up having several drinks which started the craving for the coke so I broke down and got a small amount.
My wife came home and confronted me and then, as usual, berated me and yelled at me. When I try to tell her that part of the reason I use these things is that she hasn't treated me kindly for a long time, even when I'm doing well. No hugs or compliments or support, so I end up using or drinking to try to feel better.
She keeps telling me I need to see a therapist although I've been to numerous ones over the past few years. I think it's her way of not shouldering any responsibility for how I feel. What really hurts is that I still love her so much.
She asked me once what I'd do if our situations were reversed and I told her that I'd be there for her, hold her, take care of her and do anything to let her know I was on her side.
But when I stumble she just gets angry and hateful. And so the cycle goes on.
I used to think that she'd always be there for me and if someone had told me things would end up this way I'd have never believed them.
Sober or messed up, I've never done anything to her. I've never taken money from her or abused her in any way. I just keep reaching out for her help and getting beaten down in return.
Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to end it all so the pain would just stop.
I can't seem to remember the last good day I had but I'm not sure if she'd even notice I was gone.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.

TM

I tried to post this earlier but I guess I messed it up.

I slipped again yesterday and picked up a bottle on my way home from the store. Forgot to take the naltrexone and had a few drinks which started the craving for coke so I pickup a small amount.

When my wife came home she called me out on it and proceeded to yell at me as she usually does. She doesn't understand that the main reason I use these substances is that I don't get the kindness and support from her I so desparately need.

She says that I'm trying to blame her and wants me to go see a therapist although I've seen several over the past few years with not much results.

I just wish she would show me some compassion instead of anger and that she knew how great it would be to just have her give me a hug sometimes or hold my hand or sit beside me. We sleep in the same bed but she seems to pull as far away as possible so it feels like I'm all alone there too.

I've never abused her or taken money from her in all this time and I just can't understand why she seems to hate me so much because I still love her. She asked me once what I'd do if the situation was reversed and I said I'd hold her, kiss her, be there for her no matter what but that seems to be a foreign concept to her.

The substances are efforts to kill the pain of loneliness and feeling like nothing most of the time. I just wish she'd try to help me instead of railing on me.

I was out of work for a couple of years but managed to pay my part of the bills and have been working for about a year now but make very little and just found out i have to pay several hundred dollars in income tax due to having to pull money out of my 401K last year.

I've been trying to be frugal as there are some days I don't eat much if anything so I can have money for gas. I've been buying groceries for the house but there have been a couple of months I couldn't pay her anything and she keeps threatening to throw me out.

I'm hurting so bad right now and I just don't understand how people can treat other people like this.

I wish I was brave enough to end it all but I guess I'm just a coward at heart.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

TM

hi TexasMan,
sorry things are so hard for you right now.
have you tried sitting her down to tell her this?

Roz_G,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I've tried on many occasions to do so but then she claims that I'm "blaming her" which isn't my intention at all but rather just to start a dialog.

TM

I'm sorry to hear that, TexasMan ... is there perhaps maybe someone she would listen to who could try talking to her ... or maybe leave a book or some literature lying around?

I'm sorry if these are useless suggestions but I know how frustrating your situation is.

texas man when we use it's because we want to use. add to that we've prob damaged relationships with others by our behavior. seems your wife may be pulling back to protect her own feelings about all this. for us imo those fences take time to heal even if we are clean and sober. the recent choice you made compounds the problem.
we sometimes think if only they'd understand us. we sometimes project our need to be comforted by others re our addiction. it takes the responsibility and focus off our own actions. truth is we can only find the comfort and solutions within ourselves.
a "little" or a lot is all the same. some form of a recovery program/group would help you, imho. i found i couldn't get sober on my own but through the support of ppl who had/have my problem. they could identify with my despair and my succeses. but in the end the choice was mine. use or not use. coming to grips with the choices i make. acknowledging the price we pay.
before we can restore some semblance of our living life in a healthy way it's important we accept the consequences of our behaviors. but we can change. that is a choice too.
i wish you well. glad you posted. we can support you in your struggle to be clean and sober. keep us posted. we do care.

Madisgram,

Thanks for your reply but the truth of the matter is that her behavior started long before my issues arose, not the other way around.
As far as groups go, I've attended a number of 12 step meetings but found they weren't a good fit for me as their success rate is equal to that of folks who do nothing (around 5%) plus I've never bought into treating these kinds of issues with religious approaches.

Thanks for the suggestions though.

TM

Roz_Q,

Thanks for your reply!

TM

I don't want everyone to think that I'm trying to blamed problems on my spouse or justify my actions because of hers.

I just wish that the people who mean the most to those of us with these issues could be more understanding or sympathetic when we need them.

In the end, isn't that what caring is all about?

TM

thanks for your reply texas man. you may find it helpful to also post in this forum Relationships & Communication for additional support as well. i'm sorry you feel so alone. i can relate to that feeling.
in my last reply i mentioned a support group. i didn't reference any 12 step program for a reason... there are many groups or practices or meds that ppl use in regard to their addiction or solutions to alleviate the struggles to stay clean and sober. i chose AA and it worked for me but there is other help out there too.
some things you mentioned it's been said if we have a substance abuse problem we will find all kinds of reasons why we use. please know that i'm not trying to criticize you but in my experience i blamed others to justify my drinking. i've found i can't expect others to be responsible for how i feel. tho i do hear you-you wish she'd show more compassion. this was the sentence u referenced where i felt she truly wants you to be sober but it hurts her when you harm yourself with your drug dependence. often when one is frightened it will come out as anger cause we're scared (she's scared perhaps) for the one we care about.
boy i can sure relate to that. i was emotionally and physically abused in a relationship. i felt sad, worthless, alone. i used alcohol to numb any emotions. it worked for awhile but lead me to active alcoholism. facing those feelings sober was difficult. but in order to get better i knew i had to do it if i wanted to stay sober. it was painful but worth it.
i am sorry you feel so badly. you sound like a kind person who feels helpless and you seek comfort. perhaps by picking the right moment you can sit down and talk with your wife. you might even want to print out what you wrote for reference. i hope she will take the time to listen. meanwhile focus on staying sober. it's the best thing one can do for themselves. i feel it was like giving my own self the greatest present there is. i was not disappointed in the result.
we're here for you.

Many thanks to you all for the kind words and thoughts...TM