I had cancelled the therapist this week after last week's appointment. But then my parent had a health thing going on that I found somewhat distressing. I wrote a three sentence email to the therapist about it because it seemed like a not horrible plan to try to do and for some reason I wanted to tell someone about it. I did not tell people in my real life because they get all weirdo about it and then I would have to deal with them. The only reason I can come up for the desire is I could tell the therapist and not have to deal with attempts to be comforted as she is completely non-comforting. I hate attempts at being comforted.(I realize friends are trying to help - but is usually just awful to endure so it is better just not to tell them until things are more under control in me).

I did not tell the other therapist I see. I had no real desire to tell the second one, but I did have a desire to tell the first one. I find this odd in myself, because the second one is the one who is calm, explains everything over and over with no sign of impatience, connects things from appointment to appointment, and I do not leave more distressed than when I went in like I do with the first one. The second one seems often to understand what I am saying. But it is the first one I want to make understand. None of it seems to be reducing the amount of horrible I feel. I have no idea if these are connections, alliances or attachments or none of the above. Or possibly I am just bat **** crazy.