Bow, I had absolutely nothing left after #2 passed away. everything I had (literally) was gone (you were speaking about material things so I understand that, as well).

I had to ask my parents for help which was awful and made me feel even worse because I was so dependent on them for a time. And my mother is abusive which made me feel worse. But I had no choice. I would not be here had my parents not stepped in.

And although it absolutely destroyed any ounce I dignity and self-esteem I had left to have to rely on my parents, trust me, if you are fortunate enough (and it seems you are), lean on them for a bit until you can get back on your feet because it beats the alternative.

That said, Bow, make a security pact.

I am telling you, after all many of us have been through, you can and will get through this. You can come out on the other end. And believe it or not, you will feel stronger and better. Just keep inching along, OK.

You have a lot of things to address. Including missing the thrills of your career (I read your post...it's not the first time I've heard those exact words come out of the mouths of your brothers).

You are not alone. You WILL get through this. Even though you don't realize it, you have so much to offer once you start feeling better. I promise you! You have given a lot to us just by sharing and kept some of us going and you probably didn't even know it.