I think the adj. "demonic" accurately describes the rage I feel sometimes, and I'm afraid of what may happen if I don't stop it, or at least put it into remission. I'm a recovering depressive/narcissist and although I am for the most part pretty happy and content with life, there are times when people push me not to the point of anger, but to a point of psychopathic rage.

It's so uncomfortable and sometimes very painful. Just the other week, I was driving home from class and somebody cut me off. "Ok, it happens, it's cool" I thought to myself, but then I completely lost it when that same person suddenly hit his brakes to make a right turn, resulting in my having to slam on my brakes as well. So this guy had to speed up to get in front of me and cut me off just so he could almost immediately stop to make a turn?

Well, the end result of this person's blatant inconsideration sent me into an incredible rage, it's difficult to accurately describe the sensation really. I just remember the world began spinning and everything turning a reddish hue; my heart rate increasing dramatically, the intense heat of anger disbursing throughout my body. I remember feeling my left arm going numb and my chest seizing up. It was horrible and very painful, but I could do nothing because I was still possessed with so much hatred. I was able to pull to the side of the road to allow the pain and rage to subside, but it took a good 20 to 30 minutes, I can't really remember.

Clearly my rage is not only a health hazard but its actually life threatening, which I guess goes without saying. I don't know what to do and I certainly don't want to go back to therapy again. I just don't have the time nowadays, let alone the money (I'm a student). It's also very scary because I'm not typically a violent person at all, and I can't stand confrontation. But when the rage is invoked, thoughts of macabre, killing and extreme violence follow. When I think about the horrible things I wanted to do to that guy for something as trivial as cutting me off on the road, and the suffering I wanted to bring into his life, it has me questioning my morality, my upbringing, my beliefs, everything. It also makes me sick at times, how twisted, dark, and downright evil my mind is and what it often compels me to do. In this example, it was all over a simple road infraction! But then again, even now, it gives me this demented sense of satisfaction - the desire to tear a hole in this person's life.

Anyway, perhaps somebody can relate to how I feel?