Demonic rage

I think the adj. "demonic" accurately describes the rage I feel sometimes, and I'm afraid of what may happen if I don't stop it, or at least put it into remission. I'm a recovering depressive/narcissist and although I am for the most part pretty happy and content with life, there are times when people push me not to the point of anger, but to a point of psychopathic rage.

It's so uncomfortable and sometimes very painful. Just the other week, I was driving home from class and somebody cut me off. "Ok, it happens, it's cool" I thought to myself, but then I completely lost it when that same person suddenly hit his brakes to make a right turn, resulting in my having to slam on my brakes as well. So this guy had to speed up to get in front of me and cut me off just so he could almost immediately stop to make a turn?

Well, the end result of this person's blatant inconsideration sent me into an incredible rage, it's difficult to accurately describe the sensation really. I just remember the world began spinning and everything turning a reddish hue; my heart rate increasing dramatically, the intense heat of anger disbursing throughout my body. I remember feeling my left arm going numb and my chest seizing up. It was horrible and very painful, but I could do nothing because I was still possessed with so much hatred. I was able to pull to the side of the road to allow the pain and rage to subside, but it took a good 20 to 30 minutes, I can't really remember.

Clearly my rage is not only a health hazard but its actually life threatening, which I guess goes without saying. I don't know what to do and I certainly don't want to go back to therapy again. I just don't have the time nowadays, let alone the money (I'm a student). It's also very scary because I'm not typically a violent person at all, and I can't stand confrontation. But when the rage is invoked, thoughts of macabre, killing and extreme violence follow. When I think about the horrible things I wanted to do to that guy for something as trivial as cutting me off on the road, and the suffering I wanted to bring into his life, it has me questioning my morality, my upbringing, my beliefs, everything. It also makes me sick at times, how twisted, dark, and downright evil my mind is and what it often compels me to do. In this example, it was all over a simple road infraction! But then again, even now, it gives me this demented sense of satisfaction - the desire to tear a hole in this person's life.

Anyway, perhaps somebody can relate to how I feel?

I experience something similar when I encounter prissy, snotty sneering women. Something to the effect of smashing their face until it disappears. Usually I'm pretty easy going though. I've experienced the same type of incident in traffic and while it made me angry yours sounds like you were in danger of a stroke from your blood pressure.

Hi ExtremeLoathing! Sorry I guess we must be from the outer darkness, 40 looks but no comment. I don't generally feel satisfied about it since the incidents usually cost me my job. I don't think I can stop it once it's triggered. The rage is partitioned off, which my therapist tells me is a good thing or I would be profoundly depressed. I don't recognize that piece as a person though I guess a piece of my consciousness is in there because I can watch and remember parts of it.

I just read this post......I have to say.....when I read EL's explanation of the driving thing, I thought the explanation was of the experience I had. It was a 2 lane rode that merged into one. The driver was behind me in the outside lane & speeded up so I couldn't get infront of him.....so I backed off & got behind him only to have to suddenly slam on my breaks because he was making a right turn . Stupid idiot, could have just as easily backed off & stayed behind me to make his turn. I have a big truck that isn't easy to stop even with my ABS breaks. Not sure if he was trying to cause an accident

For me, that didn't anger me though.......after living with my husband for 33 years who angered me almost every day I lived with him....it built up so much I was like the filled glass where one more drop causes you to overflow. I got to the point that he didn't have to say anything & my anger would just blow up.....just the sight of him & I was seeing red. I never understood that anger to the point of seeing red until just the end of my time of living with him.

Because my anger at him was so great, my anger would overflow to everyone & everything that went wrong around me. Once I got away from the source of my anger, it's amazing how much I have calmed down to the point of not getting angry at much of anything unless it's really bad.....but I haven't run into anything that's that bad since I left him.

Maybe you have a source of anger that you aren't dealing with.....maybe if you were to look for the source.....deal with it, you might be able to find the control you need.....maybe you anger would go away also.

great post eskielover. when i read the op thats kinda what i thought based on my own experience. when i feel like i dont have control of my life and am being disregarded by others it builds up and i find that i get angry very easily.

i have so much anger right now because i feel that there are so many variables in my life that are not in my control. taking back control where i could has calmed me down a LOT. sometimes its removing yourself from the situation that makes you feel "out of control" (not possible for me at the moment) or doing small things in your life that help you to feel that youre going in the direction that *you* want to.

I will share an experience with rage that almost killed me.

I was in my 30's around the time I was still in psych treatment.

I was having a dream about being on a city bus and angry at a bus driver. I was so enraged (don't remember now why I was angry at him; probably something dumb) I was yelling at him and my heart started to palpitate.

I thought i was having a heart attack in my sleep.

Rage, unresolved rage (for me, anyway) can kill, not just others but us, too.

And I also relate to how it makes me feel about myself. So ugly and evil.

Billi

You already know how dangerous anger can be. I would suggest getting into therapy again. It sounds to me that there must be another underlying cause of such violent anger. You should probably get a physical also.

As a student, can you not go for counseling for free?

Getting that angry over something like you described.....doesn't fit, so I would want to know what is fueling that kind of rage.

Someone else's life or yours may depend on you getting help.

I agree that anger can be depression that turns inwards. I understand how that works with me. Unfortunately, recently, a series of past experiences that I thought were buried have surfaced. And it is not helping the process of a rehab plan. It is compounded by recent death of a loving pet cockatiel. Other emotions that have been bottled up are not helping either. Medical condition complicates effective medical treatment. But I carry on to put on a "public face" when I need to in order to complete the tasks at hand. However, I feel it is a struggle to explain to other people in person without the fear of making things worse than I like life to be. So I am happy I connect with ppl with similiar feelings and thoughts and experiences that understand better than many of the ppl I have to be in contact with. Thanks.

Hi there EL -- I agree that therapy and talking your way through this might help. Is there a campus counseling center? Or a county clinic? There can be really good people at these, sometimes students trying to get their clinical hours together but they can be empathetic and sincere.

I used to once in a while lose my temper -- and when I lost it, I lost touch with reality. I was not violent. My weapon was words. And somehow, when I had lost touch with all reason, I could say exactly the thing that would deeply wound another person, like letting air out of balloon to watch them deflate. And no amount of apologies can ever fix that.

Two things have helped me, and one of them may be sneered at: First, things levelled off for me after I found a source of spiritual comfort and balance. Second, I was put on an antidepressant, so if anger is depression turned outward, the faucet got turned off. I can still feel angry, of course, but now I can reason my way through the appropriate strategies and whether doing anything is worth it. I haven't had road rage for years.

I wish you all the best in finding the solutions that work for you.

Yes, I can definitely relate to you, especially when it comes to driving...especially after a long day's work. in my case eskielover is right, I do have a LOT of unresolved anger. But I can't afford therapy...as for now, mindfulness based meditation, yoga and weight lifting help me in the time being.