Wow. Thank you so much for responding to me. The last 2 days I have been desperately trying to think how many are there...Is it possible for some of them to have a mental illness of their own too?
I tried to fix myself while my T was trying to teach me the 4 states of conciousness and I thought could I be borderline or bipolar? But T wouldn't answer those questions he was very evasive up until 2 days ago...
What made T tell me was when I finally admitted that I am anxious and have had nausea for a week... he then discussed with me that he was going to take me through a visualisation to ease the nausea
He asked me to pick myself when I was younger and give her a hug. I found little coconut she's 5, her and her friends were playing hairdressers when her friend cut her pigtail off, that didn't phase her, in fact I think she said it was ok for her friend to do it and was quite happy with the result however when mummy came to pick her up she raged at her for doing it and scared her so much. Mummy was going to get her hair shaved off when she went to the hairdressers. However luckily the hairdresser was a kind man and he gave me a coconut hair cut which is finely layered top with wisps at the back so I still looked like a little girl. Mummy still was n't pleased and I still hear that story everyday for the last 26 years of my life.
I held onto Coconut and told her it was okay to explore, your suppose to do that and she said okay mummy. I cried so hard then and I still cry about it. But before I got to coconut there was 16 year old me waiting her turn but she allowed me to go to Coconut I think because Coconut is the same age as my eldest child and I've been having the same issues with her hair. ...
It was after that and the range of emotion on my face and the quickness with which I composed myself that he decided to tell me what my diagnosis is. My husband was there too. He said he nearly cried a few times and he believes it too.
Anyway I'm sorry if I've triggered anyone or overshared I thought I would share this cos it means alot to me to know that there are others out there like me. I've been strong for so long sallying forth and not looking back and now I know why. I just don't want to feel those feelings again they humiliated me and made me feel guilty and dirty.What good will it do to remember this stuff?