I just found out that I have D.I.D

Yesterday I found out from my therapist that I have D.I.D and I am scared.... Maybe its the fact that I've watched to many movies and I'm frightened that the horrible me will win or whatever....BUT I can see it and I can't it's just not that obvious like it is in the movies. I have recognised that I do go through phases and I am depressed some of the time at the worst (I'm not stigmatising) I thought I could be borderline like my mum or bipolar however this just threw me for a loop.
The worst thing is that there is not alot of info out there...
I have recognised that the core me is compassionate and is highly emotionally sensitive of others but when I look at myself I don't feel it. If anything I'm majorly depressed and exhausted all the time. I think its from fighting my other emotional personalities constantly checking and balancing myself all the time.
It's a relief in some ways but in other ways I feel burdened.
I do realise that I have controlled myself alot in the past, especially with my past its not nice, and I keep soldiering on...
Has anyone else been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder? And how have you managed to bring your EP's to co exist? And how do you know how many you have?

Welcome, LouR. I hope you will find a good support here.

It sounds like you have a knowledgeable T and that is good. I really understand the fear. I went into a major denial stage when I was diagnosed. I made up all sorts of reasons why I didn't have it, even while knowing that it made so much of my life make sense. It just scared me too much.

In the beginning, I decided not to read anything out there about it because I was so afraid I would become or do the things I read and I was afraid I would find myself in things I read. But then later I used to come on here and ask a billion (it seemed so anyway) questions about DID and get more scared.

I had to finally just decide to only listen to what my T said and just deal with what I was experiencing. When I would talk about things that were going on for me, I didn't have a name for it (or at least a proper name. I just made up names for things I dealt with). Having a T who was/is experienced in DID helped so much because she knew what was going on for me, even when I didn't have proper terminology to tell her. And she knew more about me than I did because I didn't, and still don't a lot, have co consciousness.

We still do not know exactly how many parts are here, but T has a good rough idea. She did say that there could be more hidden though so maybe it's impossible to know for sure. Over time spent with T, she started recognizing different parts and between that and other clues, we were able to come up with a list. I think some members here have had parts reveal themselves to them. Each person is very different so it's hard to know a set way how things come about, I think.

Just remember that you are the same person and the same stuff was going on before the diagnosis. You just have a name for it now. It doesn't change what's been going on.

Hang in there. There is some good support to be had here. I'm glad you have a T to help you through this journey. It's a hard journey for sure, but life can get better.

Hey, don't be scared. Sometimes it is fun and sometimes it is scarry. I will not lie to you. I denied it for a very long time, finally one day my T said, I have too much proof and too many different handwritings for you not to be so. So stop denying it and I said ok. I really don't know how many. you haft to know them and sometimes let them play (esp. if they are little). I have some that paint, some like clay, some teddy bears, some get terrified, and the list goes on.
Be honest with your close friends cause they can help you out a lot. If you switch often like I do, sometimes it is at the wrong place. Once someone stopped me from trying to run out the door and run home. The problem was I was 7 and my home wasn't next door and their was a freeway outside. She litterly blocked the door and made me sit down. Then she calmely explained that I couldn't run home - my house wasn't there, and that I'd get hurt.
Plus, friends, true ones, can answer when u just need someone to care. No don't tell everyone but you do need some good friends. I have some that if I type in 911 they know I am in trouble and your system can all know how to do a code of somekind.
Plus, i journal and let them talk it out in a journal - esp. when they wont let me sleep.
I hope this helps

Wow. Thank you so much for responding to me. The last 2 days I have been desperately trying to think how many are there...Is it possible for some of them to have a mental illness of their own too?
I tried to fix myself while my T was trying to teach me the 4 states of conciousness and I thought could I be borderline or bipolar? But T wouldn't answer those questions he was very evasive up until 2 days ago...
What made T tell me was when I finally admitted that I am anxious and have had nausea for a week... he then discussed with me that he was going to take me through a visualisation to ease the nausea
He asked me to pick myself when I was younger and give her a hug. I found little coconut she's 5, her and her friends were playing hairdressers when her friend cut her pigtail off, that didn't phase her, in fact I think she said it was ok for her friend to do it and was quite happy with the result however when mummy came to pick her up she raged at her for doing it and scared her so much. Mummy was going to get her hair shaved off when she went to the hairdressers. However luckily the hairdresser was a kind man and he gave me a coconut hair cut which is finely layered top with wisps at the back so I still looked like a little girl. Mummy still was n't pleased and I still hear that story everyday for the last 26 years of my life.
I held onto Coconut and told her it was okay to explore, your suppose to do that and she said okay mummy. I cried so hard then and I still cry about it. But before I got to coconut there was 16 year old me waiting her turn but she allowed me to go to Coconut I think because Coconut is the same age as my eldest child and I've been having the same issues with her hair. ...
It was after that and the range of emotion on my face and the quickness with which I composed myself that he decided to tell me what my diagnosis is. My husband was there too. He said he nearly cried a few times and he believes it too.
Anyway I'm sorry if I've triggered anyone or overshared I thought I would share this cos it means alot to me to know that there are others out there like me. I've been strong for so long sallying forth and not looking back and now I know why. I just don't want to feel those feelings again they humiliated me and made me feel guilty and dirty.What good will it do to remember this stuff?

Hiya Lour,

I was in denial for a long time about my diagnosis. It can be very overwhelming. The advice I would give is not to push too hard to get it all sorted out. Let things evolve for want of a better word. Parts will let you know when they are ready to come out and make themselves known. This process may take some time.

There are many many books on this subject. See the sticky notes at the top of this forum. Movies like Sybil etc have done this subject a great deal of harm. I tried reading a couple of books and I would read a page or two at the most and wanted to pitch the book out the window.

I was so frustrated and up tight trying to fix things. A member in this forum just used one word................. Relax.

Take care, and find something that gives you comfort. Its all a continuing journey.

is it possible for alternate personalities to have their own mental illness? yes it is possible and most do. with DID alters..well they are a special kind of alters that take control and live their own lives,

they can appear to be very similar to the host/core

(here where I live and work NY,USA the terms host and core designate the person with the mental disorder DID, the person that the alters live with in, the person that dissociated due to trauma from which the alters were created from and for)

but with DID type alters there are clear (other locations may use the terms well defined, exact, distinct) differences. some of those differences are things like clothing, mannerisms, emotions, mental problems, daily life problems, functioning problems, preferences, jobs, reasons for being, how they do things....

the visualization... no you didnt trigger me. and I would not be surprised to find that this coconut may not be the kind of alter your treatment provider was talking about when they told you, you have DID... you see even normal non DID people can do the visualization your treatment provider lead you through and have normal parts like this coconut part you have..

around here where I live and work this visualization your treatment provider did with you is called trauma therapy with the child with in therapy approach..

the child within therapy approach basics is that every body mental disordered and not have parts of their self, times when they feel and react like a child. for some it may be like getting angry while driving a car and want to / or do throw a temper tantrum because some one cut them off, for others its feeling like they are that child complete with a name.

the mental health community where I live use a therapy technique called "getting in touch with the child with in" its exactly what your therapist had you do... visualize yourself as a child and self nurture your self...pick your self up, hold your self, tell your self you are safe now, and its ok to remember... what ever you have to do to allow yourself to feel calm and able to remember the trauma that caused you to feel like a child now that you are an adult.

Some locations call this visualizing "rescuing the child with in" "trauma therapy" "imagry" some forms of Yoga also teach normal people about the child with in that every body normal and mental disordered alike have.

the fact that you were able to access this traumatic memory, / part of your self so easily also tells me this part of you ****may*** at some point in the future turn out to be not the kind of alter your therapist means when they are talking about DID is because... well dont get me wrong when I say this ok...

here where I live and work (NY, USA) the type of alters that come up during visualizations like this are not admissible in court as being a representative of the person having DID, because the therapist lead the person through the visualization.. here that kind of thing (discovering alters through a therapy visualization) can be chalked up to therapist induced mental disorder, a false alter created to please the therapist, not a viable alter that came up on its own.

this is why here where I live and work treatment providers don't rely on therapy visualizations as a diagnostic tool. we rely on diagnostic tests for DID like having the client go through medical tests, and a special type of psychiatric testing that includes many things and none of them are things like having the client go through a visualization or hypnosis or other non reliable type therapies where its possible that the client and therapist can or have the possibility of controlling things. here where I live and work it is believed alters with DID take control many times during normal living, not just for a visualization or hypnotic therapy session.

so here where I live and work the visualization that your therapist and you did would not be used as a definitive answer to whether a person has DID.

Im not saying you dont have parts of your self and you dont have DID, Im just saying here where I live and work treatment providers dont diagnose DID by doing a visualization and then tell the client they have it based on that,

my suggestion breath, relax and just take things one step at a time.

Your inability to find a lot of information on DID comes from the fact that the mental health world is learning more and more about mental disorders every day, by the the time information is uploaded on the internet its usually already quite outdated in some small or big way, you find something you think fits and then your therapist says nope that doesnt fit you, that was what was once believed about DID, but isnt how things are with this disorder today and other such things...

my suggestion ask your treatment providers for information on DID. treatment providers here in the USA have to go through review/updating seminars and workshops and other updating their credentials classes so they are the ones to go to first about what ever mental disorders they are diagnosing you with. they can tell what what about Dissociative disorders fit you and what doesnt and how to best process whats going on with you.

Has anyone been diagnosed with DID?
yes I have, I went through yrs of therapy starting when I was a child for depression, as a young adult I was diagnosed with DID and after many yrs or treatment my alters all merged with in to become one with me. we are now one whole person again.

how did I manage emotional alters?
I didnt. My alters took control and I had no control over what they thought, how they dealt with things and how they did things including the emotional ones. All I could do was continue to use the grounding and other tools my treatment provider taught me and work my way through my trauma memories as they came up, as I healed the alters became one with me.

how do you know how many alters you have?
I still dont know how many alters I had. because I did not have a heck of a lot of co consciousness there was no way for me to know that kind of thing. My treatment providers and I just took it one step at a time and one problem at a time and did not worry about things like who was who and how many there were, when it was important for me to know about the alters they told my treatment provider their self by taking control, when ever where ever, just like they normally did through out other times in my life outside the therapy sessions.

Hey, its okay to be worried, things like that can become a shock. Right now we are verges, so we're not out host. But I know that he for a fact maneges pretty well, of corse not all the time but most of the time he just there letting us come out. Other experinace something different, we're all indaviduals.
As for numbers there is around..
10+ Of us. I know some one who as 300+ Which i personally some times can not believe as it must be so hard. We are still descoving new alters and i hope you'll feel comftable with them as fighting with them is worse.

?

[QUOTE=amandalouise;2450362]is it possible for alternate personalities to have their own mental illness? yes it is possible and most do. with DID alters..well they are a special kind of alters that take control and live their own lives,

they can appear to be very similar to the host/core

(here where I live and work NY,USA the terms host and core designate the person with the mental disorder DID, the person that the alters live with in, the person that dissociated due to trauma from which the alters were created from and for)

but with DID type alters there are clear (other locations may use the terms well defined, exact, distinct) differences. some of those differences are things like clothing, mannerisms, emotions, mental problems, daily life problems, functioning problems, preferences, jobs, reasons for being, how they do things....

the visualization... no you didnt trigger me. and I would not be surprised to find that this coconut may not be%2

LouR, I am so sorry you are going through so much. I was diagnosed 10 years ago and am still confused as heck about what I have and STILL go back and forth in my denial stages. As much as I want to deny it, as much as I think "that can't be me!" when I look at my life from the outside, it very much explains many many many things about my life. It's just so incredibly unique that it doesn't seem real to me at times.

But it is real, and denial is even a part of the diagnosis. As amandalouise pointed out, and as I have only recently become to learn, parts can have mental illnesses that the other parts do not share. The same can even go for physical illnesses. One part could require glasses to be able to see, but when another part comes out the vision is sharp and perfect. Same thing goes for many illnesses both physical and mental.

I'm only now starting to learn of illnesses that my parts have that we do not all share. According to past posts and past doctors visits, I have a part (and according to my t) that is schizophrenic. Also a part that has manic depression. The doctors couldn't fathom how I could have both bipolar and schizophrenia (while they did not happen at the same time) until it was learned of my DID and only until meeting with my current mental health team did I learn that it was because of these parts that I have been given some of the diagnosis that I have had.

I have been through much of the paranoia dillusions and more as you have, yet when that is over, I don't remember ever feeling that way at all, and if I do it's only a vague rememberance of feeling that way.

Research online is good, just don't believe everything you read online. And certainly not everything you see on tv, read in books or hear in the news. Remember they exaggerate or tell the most extreme cases to sell. But also remember that every case is different, no two minds are the same so certainly no two systems with multiple parts are the same.

Take care of yourself, you were given a name for the diagnosis but it doesn't change the fact that you have had this long before the name, you are still the same person, you just have a name to describe what has been happening to you within your system.

Thank you purple flying monkeys
I thank for your comment and I feel that way alot thank you for your sympathy.
Kind regards Lou

My T introduced me to the dx slowly. I found out for sure 8 months or so ago but was doing the therapy for it before that. I have worked hard with visualizations and talking. When I notice a change coming up in me, I question where it's coming from. I validate my parts for their thoughts and feelings, even if I disagree, and I comfort them. Comforting seems to be the most important part with my EP's. They are unloved and when I give them love and acceptance and let them know that I am now an adult person who is going to protect them, they really respond. I regard them as my friends who have helped me the best way they can over the years. I had two spontaneous integration's just by soothing and loving and calming, and showing them that the danger was over.

I too, was very tired, and I think it was their tiredness I felt. They were happy to put down their burdens and be one with me, and I still feel them today.

My first parts came forward in a fuzzy way to me. Then 2 of them came through pretty clear. Then about a month and a half ago, alters began to come forward in therapy and introduce themselves. It was all about trusting me. So far I've met 10. At first I worried because it didn't feel real or possible to me that I was talking to another person inside me, but then they would find ways to show me they were there, clearly, in everyday life. They started trusting my T and talking to him. That was a huge surprise for me.

DID is an adventure. That's how I treat it. Whether you integrate or blend or find some other way to cooperate with your parts, things can and will run smoother for you. You will have some bumpy days, but as time goes on you'll find that things begin to flow. So don't be afraid of it. The media makes it seem like a horrible thing. Like it's weird. It's really just all parts of you. Just like everyone has parts of themselves. Yours have just been separated a bit from you by trauma. Love and Peace to You. I sure hope to here more about your adventure, the triumphant and difficult times. Crystal

Thank you Crystal for your kind words and for sharing with me.
Yes, I've just started my journey and I do still feel a bit strange about it all however the majority of me is thinking right how we gonna fix this one?
Since I've been aware that this may be the case I have idenitified in past situations where I have reacted in an uncharacteristic manner to something such as self reducing a dislocated ankle or reacting with quite viciousness if I've been humiliated by someone.
I find it difficult to call them other people or alters or even name them, because I know they are not real in a sense however I look at pictures of me and can see a difference in facial expression, a glint in the eye that is not me, or clothes I would not wear if you paid me or thinking at the time I was slimmer than what I actually was. Its strange and jarring the impact of being aware of it.
I do talk to myself and I do argue but there is no strange voice coming out for the other person just a subtle change in tone and meaning in the words chosen.
I do call my aggressive self nasty Lou for want of a better description, but its just a descriptor / title in order to group certain behaviours and attitudes under