I'm in a really (really, really) low place right now. I'll be seeing my doctor again in a week and a half; she's already told me she'll be adding an antidepressant at the very least. We just started lamictal (anticonvulsant as a mood stabilizer) about a week and a half ago (still on a very low dose). I'm a disaster of constant tears the last two days and not functioning particularly well. I feel like I am completely unable to handle ordinary things that normal people handle just fine. I'm embarrassed and ashamed at how pathetic that is. I don't like people who have pity parties for themselves, and yet here I am...crying at my inability to function and react to simple things. I have dark thoughts of harming myself, but I am trying hard to redirect them. I do have a good support system with my husband and he is taking good care of me; I do communicate openly with him what is going with me and he knows how low I am right now. If it gets too bad, he will stay with me around the clock. (I'm desperate to stay out of the hospital.) I do count myself blessed that he is so supportive.

When I'm this low I want to isolate myself from others. "They" always say that we shouldn't isolate ourselves when we're depressed. Tomorrow night my husband and I were invited (before I fell into this low) to have dessert at the home of an older couple who are like adoptive parents to me - I love them so much and they love me unconditionally. It's not quite a parent-child relationship, but almost. They are the only people who know about my bipolar diagnosis other than my husband. I really don't want to go because I am so down right now, and I am not sure if I can hold it all together (not cry). I feel like that would ruin our visit. Outside of my husband and my daughters, there is literally no one else in the world I love more than these two people. But I know that seeing me in such a dark place is hard for them. Sad and depressed people are draining to be around, you know? This couple have a lot going on themselves (caring for older parent in failing health and health issues of their own). I love them so much and just want to be able to love and encourage them. I can't think of a thing I wouldn't do for them because I never thought anyone besides my husband would love me. But right now I feel like all I do is "take." I don't like being a hypocrite and trying to pretend everything is okay; I don't like people who aren't authentic and so I try not to be that way. (Besides, she can read me all too well- she knows when I am not doing well.) I feel like being around me is such a downer and I just don't want to contaminate them with my mess of emotions. It kills me to think of causing them heartache. I wouldn't want to be around someone like me. I don't want to go tomorrow night. But I also feel like it would be disrespectful to back out after they graciously invited us and we said yes. Ugh. I swear I look in the mirror and think "Buck up, Skippy." If only getting out of a depressive episode were that easy.

Sunday I am supposed to help host a baby shower brunch at church. I have to go. This sweet young lady and her husband deserve to have a nice shower.

What do you do when you are really, really low? Doesn't it seem to make some sense that we would isolate ourselves? I mean who wants to be around someone who is struggling so bad? Are we really supposed to make ourselves go out when we're like this? How do you do that without feeling like a huge hypocrite and fraud trying to pretend that nothing is wrong? I want to be encouraging and hopeful and pleasant for other people to be around. But right now all I am is that girl who can't stop crying.