On isolating myself...

I'm in a really (really, really) low place right now. I'll be seeing my doctor again in a week and a half; she's already told me she'll be adding an antidepressant at the very least. We just started lamictal (anticonvulsant as a mood stabilizer) about a week and a half ago (still on a very low dose). I'm a disaster of constant tears the last two days and not functioning particularly well. I feel like I am completely unable to handle ordinary things that normal people handle just fine. I'm embarrassed and ashamed at how pathetic that is. I don't like people who have pity parties for themselves, and yet here I am...crying at my inability to function and react to simple things. I have dark thoughts of harming myself, but I am trying hard to redirect them. I do have a good support system with my husband and he is taking good care of me; I do communicate openly with him what is going with me and he knows how low I am right now. If it gets too bad, he will stay with me around the clock. (I'm desperate to stay out of the hospital.) I do count myself blessed that he is so supportive.

When I'm this low I want to isolate myself from others. "They" always say that we shouldn't isolate ourselves when we're depressed. Tomorrow night my husband and I were invited (before I fell into this low) to have dessert at the home of an older couple who are like adoptive parents to me - I love them so much and they love me unconditionally. It's not quite a parent-child relationship, but almost. They are the only people who know about my bipolar diagnosis other than my husband. I really don't want to go because I am so down right now, and I am not sure if I can hold it all together (not cry). I feel like that would ruin our visit. Outside of my husband and my daughters, there is literally no one else in the world I love more than these two people. But I know that seeing me in such a dark place is hard for them. Sad and depressed people are draining to be around, you know? This couple have a lot going on themselves (caring for older parent in failing health and health issues of their own). I love them so much and just want to be able to love and encourage them. I can't think of a thing I wouldn't do for them because I never thought anyone besides my husband would love me. But right now I feel like all I do is "take." I don't like being a hypocrite and trying to pretend everything is okay; I don't like people who aren't authentic and so I try not to be that way. (Besides, she can read me all too well- she knows when I am not doing well.) I feel like being around me is such a downer and I just don't want to contaminate them with my mess of emotions. It kills me to think of causing them heartache. I wouldn't want to be around someone like me. I don't want to go tomorrow night. But I also feel like it would be disrespectful to back out after they graciously invited us and we said yes. Ugh. I swear I look in the mirror and think "Buck up, Skippy." If only getting out of a depressive episode were that easy.

Sunday I am supposed to help host a baby shower brunch at church. I have to go. This sweet young lady and her husband deserve to have a nice shower.

What do you do when you are really, really low? Doesn't it seem to make some sense that we would isolate ourselves? I mean who wants to be around someone who is struggling so bad? Are we really supposed to make ourselves go out when we're like this? How do you do that without feeling like a huge hypocrite and fraud trying to pretend that nothing is wrong? I want to be encouraging and hopeful and pleasant for other people to be around. But right now all I am is that girl who can't stop crying.

PiperLeigh, you must force yourself to be around others. If they love you, and I'm sure they do, then it will do you good to be among those who love you. I know that this has worked for me, and I have been as low as can be and seen that this strategy works.

Your only choice is to sit there by yourself suffering alone, increasing the worry on those who love you so. Take it from me. If you force yourself out of your self imposed exile, you will find the depression slowly lifting.

By the way, have you spoken with your doctor about adding an antidepressant to your other medications? I know that although I am bipolar, depression dominates my symptoms and mandates that I take an antidepressant along with my mood stabilizers, Lamictal and Abilify. This cocktail has been a lifesaver for me.

Also, maybe you should get someone to help you organize the baby. This shower. This would take some of the pressure off.

Piper Im sorry your feeling sooooo low .. Ive been there and done that so many times.

My opinion on isolating is this .. Try very hard to avoid isolating BUT, there are times that we need to be kind to ourselves and spend sometime alone. Personally its very hard for me to be around "loved ones" when im so down( because I would feel guilty for my tears etc)... but I could handle "taking a walk or just sitting outside"

Only you can decide what you can and cant handle .. Im glad your seeing a doctor. Can you try and get an earlier appt ?

((((( Hugs ))))) I hope you get some relief .. Be kind to yourself

Some good advice above. Being with people who know about your BP and will let you just be yourself in your down times is the best option for not isolating yourself. I hope this older couple can be like this for you. With those kind of people I don't force myself to put up a brave front and just be with them in whatever capacity I can manage. For orgnising the baby shower I would agree with morethingwrong and get help if you can just to take some of the pressure off you.
Best wishes for a good response to the lamactil and the new antidepressant that your doc adds in. Remember it takes time so hang on tight - you will get there.

Hello Piper Leigh,
I am sorry for your agony right now. I am also very low and waiting for an increased dose of lamictal to "kick in". As hard as it is, getting out with good friends is the best kind of distraction. I would encourage you to go. I have been in the same situation and I know how hard it is not to isolate.
I agree with the others about offload some of the responsibility of the shower. The less responsibility right now, the better. Don't feel bad that you are unable to handle ordinary things............ I found brushing my teeth overwhelming at my lowest!
The other thing that I have found helpful, albeit difficult, is to force myself to go for a walk or a run. It is hard to muster up the motivation, but it is amazing what a little exercise does for the mind. Ask your husband to go with you. Right now the only reason I am able to go is that my husband comes with.
I empathize with you, really I do. At my sickest point, a good friend would tell me everyday.......... "you will get better". A lot of the time I didn't believe her and sometimes I didn't want to hear it at all, but she was right. So, I am telling you now, "you will get better". Hang in there.............. Blue Poppy

Thanks, each of you, for your encouraging replies. Today is a little better. I went out to the store this afternoon and bought an arrangement of flowers to take this evening. It did feel good to have the sunshine on my face. I'm going to go tonight with a handkerchief in my pocket in case I get emotional, but hopefully I won't need it. And I got someone else to head up the food for the baby shower on Sunday. My husband gently encourages me to take this all five minutes at a time, so that is what I am trying to do. <3

I know it's too late for yesterday's get together, but in the future, one thing you can do is call the couple and explain to them just how down you are. Then give them the option of you still coming or not. I agree that not isolating yourself is the best thing for you, but I also understand just how it feels to not want to be a drain on someone else. I was amazed one day when a good friend invited me to lunch after church. I was a soggy mess from crying (had recently lost my Mom) and I said no, I don't think you want a crying person at your lunch table. Her answer "If that crying person is you, I sure do!" It amazed me, and confirmed just how much this friend loved me.

So give your friends the choice, you may be amazed, too.
And hang in there. Lamictal is good, but takes a while to get to a proper dose.

I am proud of you. It is obvious you care about others and not just yourself. You have taken care of yourself also which is wise. I am also in a very low place so I can relate very well. It's hard for me to be around my boyfriend who is very loving and understanding so "I get it." Here's hoping your medchange will do a world of good and you will be on the back to normal soon. God bless.

Thanks everyone. I did go and visit my friends with my husband on Friday night. I surprised myself and didn't cry! Maybe I got all my tears out before hand. I didn't find myself trying to pretend I was fine just for the sake of keeping up appearances; it felt good to be with them. They make me feel loved, and I guess I really found being with them comforting. I think people like them are few and far between and I'm so extremely thankful to have them in my life. I'm glad I went and didn't sit at home crying.

The baby shower this afternoon went fine. Plenty of food and everyone doted on the sweet little baby while he slept. I can't say it was exactly easy to go, but I did it; and I know it was good for me. I don't feel nearly as self destructive as I felt the other day, so maybe getting out was as good for me as "they" always tell us it is. I am however very tired now, so I think it must be time for me to get some sleep. Sleep is a good thing. <3

Glad both outings went well. You deserve some well earned s now. Glad it made you feel a bit better. Now hoping for the meds to do their thing and make you feel better

*Even* if you do not go out, at least leave the room and go to your backyard while the sun is out. Don't allow yourself to sit in one place, make yourself move around. Physical activity and sunlight help curve depression a little.

Taking baths is fun too, if you have the time to do that.