Here is an update from me and it's a long one, folks:

I met my "husband" after initiating contact after we had a pleasant talk over the phone. He told me he would take me out to eat sometime...so after a few days I called and told him about a dr. appt. and asked him if we could go somewhere to talk. He hesitantly agreed.

We talked but he didn't have much to say really...:

I talked to him, he seemed I don't know...not all there I guess.
He tried to joke and be funny...but I wasn't all amused.

I was trying to talk to him about us.


What I told him:

I had time to think, and I have realized my part in all of this and I am changing. I know I wasn't perfect and I am willing to do whatever it takes to move forward and make us better- it would never be the same as it was- but with work and commitment...we can make it better for us and our baby. I love him. And if he can give us a real chance, then we can take it slow to work on us. I offered living separately for awhile to help work on us...I didn't think it was a good idea to just move back immediately.

What he said:

-He told me he was pretty sure we were done because he didn't see things going back to the way things were.(That's kind of unfair to expect that, but whatever.)
-He told me that he would still be in our baby's life.
-He told me he didn't expect for me to wait for him and to start going out with people(the nerve, I'm sitting there with a 9 month pregnant belly...yeah I'm going to go out on dates).
-What he has done is unforgiveable and it was bad...he doesn't deserve forgiveness.(I just agreed with him, but everyone deserves forgiveness...they just have to ask and take action)
-He told me it wasn't all of my fault, and that he knew he was a pig.(yes)
-He misses me at some points, but that's it.
-He has his lonely nights, where he just sits around and wallows in his sucky life.
-He cares about me. I am carrying his baby.


In the end, I asked him if he just wanted to be single. He said he really thinks he was too young when we got married... He also told me he didn't really know what he wanted.

I asked him to think about it and he told me that he would.

I told him I loved him, I was there for him, but I was giving him time and space to figure it out.






Now, at first, I was happy with this. I was like"Atleast it isn't a straight up 'no!', right?"

Well, I went to church( I was helping clean it up for this Sunday). I am getting much more involved in church now.
And I decided I was taking a break and I sat in the back room by myself...It got me thinking. Stupid thoughts.


The only reason he was there is probably because I initiated it. I really shouldn't have to persuade him to stay with me, love me, be a family. He may have been young, but so was I. I feel angry that he has that luxury to be able to just leave. I am pretty sure the only reason he talked to me is because I wanted him to, if I hadn't of asked, I probably wouldn't have even seen him. I am tired of being second rate, second choice, an option.

I want to be a priority. I want to be worth it.

So I wrote him, one last time on my end, because...frankly, I've reached bottom...my hope is dwindling...seriously circling the drain. So I simply said in a nutshell:

It meant a lot that you talked to me, and I thank you for that. But, just forget about thinking. I shouldn't have to persuade you to think about giving our family a chance. I am sure there is someone else out there who is "better" and loves you just as much. I was willing to forgive and work on moving forward...doing what it took to help us make it, but you act like you don't even want it. I should be good enough for you, but apparently in your eyes, I am not. Good luck with your life and I wish you the best. You're free.




and I meant it.



After a few more days he called asking me about what happened at the appt(the first time he has done this in 7 weeks since he left, he never calls on his own) and things got a little heated on my end.

We talked on the phone a couple of hours ago and it got heated (the first time this has happened because,again, I am usually a pushover.

"why???"-me
"Why what"
"Why are you doing this? All of this?"-me
"..."
"Why?"-me
"Because I was unhappy?"
"Why?"-me
"Because I didn't love you"
"Why?"-me
"No reason I guess, damn it ,AI, we've already talked about this, I'm just going to get off the phone!"
"Dont you think that is a little selfish?!"-me
"Well yeah , Im just going to get off the phone now"
"Fine , **** you!, get off the phone"-me

I hung up.

I know it was wrong and I cried afterwards for yelling but all of that was bottled up inside and this is the first time I ever yelled.

I was just holding out hope that maybe it was just a a fog he was in...and may come back. All he had to do was come to me and ask for another chance and I would've probably gave it to him...and if he asked to be forgiven I would've let him know I already did.

I just want someone who thinks I am worth fighting for. I used to be good enough to marry and plan a baby with...I don't know what happened.

So anyway, I have apologized and left him to his own devices...who knows what will happen...he probably doesnt even care.





AS FOR THE BABY <3 : I am due any day and still no signs of labor. Moving alot and I feel pressure, but Im not dilating or effacing/thinning or nothin. It's a bummer. I wish my baby was here so I could have someone else to focus on instead of myself. I seem to drown in my own thoughts right now, waiting in limbo.