Husband left me at 8 months pregnant...why?

I had to have a c-section.....I was too small & my baby was too big (I was only 5'2" & 105 lbs when I got pregnant & only ended up gaining 15 lbs total while pregnant because the stressful thought of having to have a c-section made me loose 10 pounds the last month I was pregnant......my daughter weighed 8 lbs 2 oz of that 15 lbs.....she was definitely too big & had ended up turning breech & because I was so small, there was no room for her to turn around.

I understand stress......I am finally at the point to get the divorce no matter how bad the financial situation is. I left him 5 years ago physically moving 2100 miles away...but left him 13 years before that while living in the same home....that was miserable also. Much better making the clean break....in all reality....LOVE is a 2 way emotion....the love between a husband & wife......anything else isn't real love...it's just love for what you thought the person was.....& reality hits.

My H is a nice person but I hate his lies & the way he always makes himself out as the victim & refuses to be responsible for anything that takes any kind of serious action on his part even at the age of 60. I saw it before I was married & really didn't want to get married, but with my mother saying he would change & thinking there was potential there, I went ahead with the marriage....but it wasn't fair to the marriage because I didn't like him from even before the beginning of the marriage & he never changed......& most never will. Look for the qualities you really want in a man....otherwise....don't waste your time on them. I believe I am better off without a husband....I never needed one & I am definitely better off without him especially one you can't trust.

I care about him & hope that is isn't as ill as his actions indicate.....but I don't like him for a person to live with & wouldn't waste my time on him ever again. Relationships aren't easy, but it's a waste to feel love for a person who isn't capable of returning it.

That is a wonderful sentiment ((((OE))))!
Ashlyn is a beautiful name...so glad baby girl is healthy. Please take care of both of you xx You are a good person with a beautiful heart...Ashlyn is so lucky to have you as her mommy
please keep us posted on how you are doing...
Luv, Rose

I am scared that I might have cancer. I really wish my stbxh cared.

((((AI)))) what in the world, dear one? Why do you think that? Who would put that in your mind with all you are going through?

Just take one step at a time...have you spoken with your parents? Your T? absolutely get a second opinion.

I am sorry too that your stbxh is behaving this way. Frankly, he just cannot be right in his head...

You have to continue being strong for you and Ashlyn. Can you go see a specialist or another ob/gyn?

xx

Unfortunately, you can't make them care any more then you can make them be responsible.......both those actions come from a mature person.....none of which your husband chooses to be.....& it is a choice!!!!!!!!!!

(((AI))) ~ medlineplus information on the condition that you've been diagnosed with.

Vaginismus

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Vaginismus is an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the vagina. The spasms close the vagina.

Causes

Vaginismus is considered a disorder of sexual dysfunction. It has several possible causes, including past sexual trauma or abuse, psychological factors, or a history of discomfort with sexual intercourse. Sometimes no cause can be found.
Vaginismus is an uncommon condition. The exact number of women who have this problem is unknown.
Women with varying degrees of vaginismus often develop anxiety regarding sexual intercourse. The condition causes penetration to be difficult and painful, or even impossible. However, this does not mean the woman cannot become sexually aroused. Many women may have orgasms when the clitoris is stimulated.
Symptoms

• Vaginal penetration during sex is difficult or impossible.
• Vaginal pain is common during sexual intercourse or an attempted pelvic exam.

Exams and Tests

A pelvic exam can confirm the diagnosis of vaginismus. A medical history and complete physical exam is important to rule out other causes of pain with sexual intercourse (dyspareunia).
Treatment

Treatment involves extensive therapy that combines education, counseling, and behavioral exercises. Such exercises include pelvic floor muscle contraction and relaxation (Kegel exercises).
Vaginal dilation exercises are recommended using plastic dilators. This should be done under the direction of a sex therapist or other health care provider. Such therapy should involve the partner, and can gradually include more intimate contact, ultimately resulting in intercourse.
Educational resources should be provided. This includes information about sexual anatomy, physiology, the sexual response cycle, and common myths about sex.
Outlook (Prognosis)

When treated by a specialist in sex therapy, success rates are generally very high.
Possible Complications

Vaginismus may lead to unsatisfying sex activity and tension in intimate relationships.
When to Contact a Medical Professional

If you have pain associated with intercourse or difficulties with successful vaginal penetration, contact your health care provider.

Thanks Shez...i have absolutely heard of that Dx but nothing along the lines of something so extreme. I cant imagine who would say such a thing ...

AI...not to worry. OK?
xx

Well my doctor seems to think it is something purely physical( it isn't just a psychological condition)causing it. I have the primary kind, I have had it all of my life and havent suffered any sexual abuse or trauma.

Cancer can be one of the causes. Tumors and cysts are another. My doctor is testing me for those things after birth.

I have already made peace with the whole husband thing. I want him to be happy and I have to let him go. At least I got to experience what true love feels like and I had my child by the man I loved. If I dont find anyone else ever, then that is okay.

Been following your thread (not in a stalkerish way lol) and just wanted you to know that I'm rooting for you and Ashlyn

I just thought I would check in and see how things are going with you AI.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Here is an update from me and it's a long one, folks:

I met my "husband" after initiating contact after we had a pleasant talk over the phone. He told me he would take me out to eat sometime...so after a few days I called and told him about a dr. appt. and asked him if we could go somewhere to talk. He hesitantly agreed.

We talked but he didn't have much to say really...:

I talked to him, he seemed I don't know...not all there I guess.
He tried to joke and be funny...but I wasn't all amused.

I was trying to talk to him about us.


What I told him:

I had time to think, and I have realized my part in all of this and I am changing. I know I wasn't perfect and I am willing to do whatever it takes to move forward and make us better- it would never be the same as it was- but with work and commitment...we can make it better for us and our baby. I love him. And if he can give us a real chance, then we can take it slow to work on us. I offered living separately for awhile to help work on us...I didn't think it was a good idea to just move back immediately.

What he said:

-He told me he was pretty sure we were done because he didn't see things going back to the way things were.(That's kind of unfair to expect that, but whatever.)
-He told me that he would still be in our baby's life.
-He told me he didn't expect for me to wait for him and to start going out with people(the nerve, I'm sitting there with a 9 month pregnant belly...yeah I'm going to go out on dates).
-What he has done is unforgiveable and it was bad...he doesn't deserve forgiveness.(I just agreed with him, but everyone deserves forgiveness...they just have to ask and take action)
-He told me it wasn't all of my fault, and that he knew he was a pig.(yes)
-He misses me at some points, but that's it.
-He has his lonely nights, where he just sits around and wallows in his sucky life.
-He cares about me. I am carrying his baby.


In the end, I asked him if he just wanted to be single. He said he really thinks he was too young when we got married... He also told me he didn't really know what he wanted.

I asked him to think about it and he told me that he would.

I told him I loved him, I was there for him, but I was giving him time and space to figure it out.






Now, at first, I was happy with this. I was like"Atleast it isn't a straight up 'no!', right?"

Well, I went to church( I was helping clean it up for this Sunday). I am getting much more involved in church now.
And I decided I was taking a break and I sat in the back room by myself...It got me thinking. Stupid thoughts.


The only reason he was there is probably because I initiated it. I really shouldn't have to persuade him to stay with me, love me, be a family. He may have been young, but so was I. I feel angry that he has that luxury to be able to just leave. I am pretty sure the only reason he talked to me is because I wanted him to, if I hadn't of asked, I probably wouldn't have even seen him. I am tired of being second rate, second choice, an option.

I want to be a priority. I want to be worth it.

So I wrote him, one last time on my end, because...frankly, I've reached bottom...my hope is dwindling...seriously circling the drain. So I simply said in a nutshell:

It meant a lot that you talked to me, and I thank you for that. But, just forget about thinking. I shouldn't have to persuade you to think about giving our family a chance. I am sure there is someone else out there who is "better" and loves you just as much. I was willing to forgive and work on moving forward...doing what it took to help us make it, but you act like you don't even want it. I should be good enough for you, but apparently in your eyes, I am not. Good luck with your life and I wish you the best. You're free.




and I meant it.



After a few more days he called asking me about what happened at the appt(the first time he has done this in 7 weeks since he left, he never calls on his own) and things got a little heated on my end.

We talked on the phone a couple of hours ago and it got heated (the first time this has happened because,again, I am usually a pushover.

"why???"-me
"Why what"
"Why are you doing this? All of this?"-me
"..."
"Why?"-me
"Because I was unhappy?"
"Why?"-me
"Because I didn't love you"
"Why?"-me
"No reason I guess, damn it ,AI, we've already talked about this, I'm just going to get off the phone!"
"Dont you think that is a little selfish?!"-me
"Well yeah , Im just going to get off the phone now"
"Fine , **** you!, get off the phone"-me

I hung up.

I know it was wrong and I cried afterwards for yelling but all of that was bottled up inside and this is the first time I ever yelled.

I was just holding out hope that maybe it was just a a fog he was in...and may come back. All he had to do was come to me and ask for another chance and I would've probably gave it to him...and if he asked to be forgiven I would've let him know I already did.

I just want someone who thinks I am worth fighting for. I used to be good enough to marry and plan a baby with...I don't know what happened.

So anyway, I have apologized and left him to his own devices...who knows what will happen...he probably doesnt even care.





AS FOR THE BABY <3 : I am due any day and still no signs of labor. Moving alot and I feel pressure, but Im not dilating or effacing/thinning or nothin. It's a bummer. I wish my baby was here so I could have someone else to focus on instead of myself. I seem to drown in my own thoughts right now, waiting in limbo.

((((AI)))))

"I had time to think, and I have realized my part in all of this and I am changing. I know I wasn't perfect and I am willing to do whatever it takes to move forward and make us better- it would never be the same as it was- but with work and commitment...we can make it better for us and our baby. I love him. And if he can give us a real chance, then we can take it slow to work on us. I offered living separately for awhile to help work on us...I didn't think it was a good idea to just move back immediately."

AI, it is so sad that you are having to deal with these emotions of self-doubt and emotional pain as you await the birth of your daughter.
Stop thinking of how you "love him." Also stop blaming yourself, like
"I had time to think, and I have realized my part in all of this and I am changing." You've done nothing wrong, and certainly nothing that would cause him to abandon you as he has. The only thing that is important at this point, for you, is having a healthy baby. All this depression you are feeling is definitely affecting the baby you will have very soon.

This boy is not there for you, and whatever he is going thru is really no longer your concern. The only thing he needs to do is man-up and provide financial support. At some point, you will probably realize this.

Childbirth is a hard thing, and will probably be an awakening for you, as to the situation in which you find yourself. There is a substantial period of recovery, physically and emotionally, even in happy circumstances. You will need all the help and support you can get. (And you will not get it from this "boy.") Time to focus on yourself and your immediate needs.
Try taking care of yourself.
Patty

You are definitely going to have to toughen up about him. Love is something that goes 2 ways....if not, then, it's NOT LOVE....it's only what you wish it was. You can not hate someone & you can forgive them for being the jerk that he is....but that's NOT LOVE either.

You need to get tough also because you are going to have to make sure he stands up to his support of your daughter & you will have to probably fight for it.....& if he doesn't pay the child support, he's probably going to test his ability to get away with not paying in the childish ways that all children test their boundaries......first time he lands in jail for not paying (which is what you can make happen if that's what he chooses to do is not pay) then he will know that it's a serious offense that he is doing by not paying the support.

He is so absolutely childish & actually pathetic. He is who he's always been, but sometimes people hide their true selves until something challenging comes into their life that they can't handle & now is when you see who he really has been all the time but had it well hidden.

I am sure that if you knew what he was really like before you got married, you wouldn't have wasted your time on him let alone agreed to get married......but I think if you really look, there have probably been signs of this behavior through the few years of your marriage that your foggy newly wed mind wasn't willing to see.

Hopefully when you have your baby, that protective instinct will come out & you will go into that mode against him if necessary. Hopefully he won't make it necessary, but from the sounds of his behavior....I doubt it.

Your lawyer will be good at taking care of your best interest. It is sad when a marriage ends up like this & his reasons are so lame.

One should NOT feel guilty for blowing up when you have been pushed to the blow up level. It's passive agressiveness on their side that pushes up to that point. No, it's not the best way to handle it, but it's not because they don't deserve it.

I am going through a divorce situation right now also....but it's after 38 years (I left him 5 years ago) because of the jerk he was 38 years ago when I married him & he never changed. I hid in my career & ignored it, but the fighting & was horrible & I know our daughter has issues because of it & surprised that she does as well (she is now 34)....but all the issues we have because of our parents.....can imagine all the issues our children have because of the issues we have in our marriages.

In reality, it's a good thing you are getting out NOW before it ends up getting really ugly because I can tell you, after years of dealing with someone who is passive aggressive & who is in their own selfish world....you think your blow up was bad & you felt bad for it....I know many of us who put up with years of that, ended up feeling nothing but anger & doing nothing but yelling by the end.....better to get out now before you feel nothing but the anger

(((AI))),
Thank you for giving us an update on how you are making out. I guess we are pretty much becoming mother hens around you and we are concerned about "YOU" and ofcourse that wonderful life that is coming shortly.

I am glad to hear you are standing up for yourself and making the decision that you want a man that is going to "value and respect" you. Many women come to that point where they wake up and realize how important "they" are instead of what they "need to keep sacrificing in their sense of self worth to a man that they may have chosen to love unwisely". Your mind was clearing in a chruch? I can picture you there with the right thoughts coming into your mind for a change, toughts you deserve to have about "your worth as a young woman".

I think it was good that you got to release your anger to this young man who is being selfish and choosing to "run away" from his responsibilities. And dear, you certainly don't want to invest your life in someone who will suddenly turn "selfish" and run away from his family like that. And this DOES happen much too often sadly.

You are still very young and you can still build a wonderful life for yourself. You have a new person coming into your life that you WILL really love. And someday you will look at this child and say, "well, I would not change anything now because, if it meant not having this wonderful loving little girl, I would do all again". That is what you will say one day and you will learn so much about taking care of yourself and becoming a strong person too. And all of that you can share with this little girl who will have to learn to do the same.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

After Seeker's, Eskie's, and Open Eyes' posts, I'm not sure what else there is to add.

I think it's a great thing getting involved in your church (though of course at this point, I'd stress not to overdo it ). Hopefully you'll be able to find some solace there.

I think time and your daughter's birth will ease the burden, particularly the latter. Just focus on you and her. Your STBX's concerns can't be yours, even if you wished to help. I suspect the only thing that'll help him is time and knowledge, and I think he'll realize down the road he made an awful, awful mistake.

But I hope things go wonderfully with the delivery, and know I'm still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please do let us know when she's here, will you?

Update.

Still no baby.


But things got worse. My FIL passed away sort of unexpectedly last week.



So now, on top of my husband ignoring me and pretending like I dont exist...I have to deal with a loss (me and his father got along really good and he was taking care of me through this rough time...he didnt understand his son).

I don't really know how to cope. MIL wants me at the funeral, but I can't go because I emailed my husband out of respect...asking him if my presence there would be too much and if I should just stay away...and he read it but didnt respond. I assume thats a no.


It breaks my heart and he didnt call to ask about my dr. appt today.

I really dont know what to do.

I would go since your MIL wants you to go. Especially if your H will not even respond to your email.

I am sorry for your loss at this difficult time.

I already told her I wasnt going. I have another dr. appt tomorrow anyway and I dont want to cause unnecessary tension. I told her I loved her and I want to be there...but I just cant do it, especially with her son ignoring me. My stress level is through the roof already and I just cant take it anymore.

I atleast deserved a yes or no answer to that email.

Oh I am so sorry that you lost your father in law. I am sure it is a shock to your H too. He may not have answered because he just doesn't even know what to say.

You called your MIL and you do have to consider doing your best to keep yourself calm. Maybe after the baby you can have time to spend with your MIL. I am sure she will be VERY lonely after the services and has to be alone with out her H around.

We are all here, keep us informed. We are here to support you.
(((Hugs)))

((((AI))))......

Well he ignores my emails all the time...and if I dont call him he never talks to me. When I saw him last, he didnt even look at me.

So I just assumed it was just him not responding because he is a jerk.

Well, I am just checking in again to see how you are doing Abandonmentissues.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

(((Hugs)))

Open Eyes

Guessing your baby has come by now & things are a bit busy for you....just letting you know that we are thinking about how you are doing & how everything is going for you.

I am also concerned for you, AI.
Let us know how you are doing.
Patty