Therapy. Someone with a Trauma specialty, or as close as you can get.
I was very much in pieces when I went looking for help.
It's a little harder to find than you might think. Be perpared for some "NO"s for different reasons. also don't be afraid to shop around some. You have to be comfortable with who you go to for help. and you don't have to accept the first one with an opening.
But you should see someone professional ASAP.
you have some serious warning signs.
just so I'm sure you're not misunderstanding me, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you. like- you're a nut, and should race off immediately for the nearest pysch hospital for and extended stay.
I'm saying there's help out there. you don't have to go through this alone. you can get get relief for some issues, more stability and ways to cope with the rest.
I kow what it's like to feel much like you descibe. i'll spare you the list.
therapy is work though. but it can make Life better.

jax