Flashbacks, Mental Instability, Lost Memories

Hi all, first post,

I'm having a really hard time coping with, and trying to find out, what's going on with me.

This is the first time I've ever reached out to discuss this with anyone beyond my very closest friend, but I'm under the impression my mental condition is deteriorating. I've done very little research on the topic mostly because I'm terrified of what I might find. I was diagnosed with SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) when I had a mental evaluation due to anger issues, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts before I was 10. I believe I am a Highly Sensitive Person. I am 19 years old and I cannot recall a majority of my childhood from the ages of ~5-16, I can't even tell you the name of a single teacher I had throughout middle school, or how I acquired a broken nose at some point within that time frame. I rarely recall dreams, but when I do they're violent, gruesome, disgusting, disturbing, and sometimes sexually deviant. I know I was sexually active at a very young age (since before I can remember), and never questioned it until last night.

Most of the time, I feel relatively normal.. With a standard range of emotion that everyone is equipped with. However, when I'm placed under heavy stress conditions my emotions.. Dissolve? Dilute? I can become unintentionally/uncontrollably completely blank, as if I am not myself for a short while. To use an analogy.. If your emotions are weapons, mine are sometimes wielded by someone else and are completely unavailable to me at that time. Other times I feel my emotions are like a color wheel, flipping randomly and quickly through various emotions for no reason. Also, sometimes only select emotions will be missing from the arsenal..

This last week was extremely stressful, with a variety of life-issues and traumatic events such as financial trouble, my Father breaking his neck in two places (he is recovering well), former roomy trouble/drama, and a few other things. It was last night when I started to feel complete despair about my life, which isn't something I can even recall feeling before as my emotions tend to change so abruptly and extremely in those stressful circumstances that I can hardly focus on one, and it was an oddly familiar feeling. I began questioning the familiarity of this feeling, I then started recalling memories left and right, and having flashbacks to very specific parts of my early childhood, namely St. James church where I can now vividly recall being sexually abused on at least one occasion.

After learning all of this I began to feel myself sort of slipping away, as if I was falling into myself, my memories melting away.. Things became hard to focus on, my surroundings became dim, I couldn't speak, and I felt as though I had to struggle to keep my head above water.. That feeling you might get when you stand perilously close to the edge of a deadly cliff, as if my very personality was in jeopardy. Then suddenly, I snapped back to my old self. I can consciously observe my mind trying to rationalize everything as a misunderstanding or joke but those flashbacks were far too vivid and revealing, which makes me quite fearful for whatever other events may have occured in my past. For now, until I feel I am stable, I've made a point to avoid questioning it.

When I asked my Mother this morning about any traumatic events I may have had as a child she became oddly defensive, I can't tell if that's because she thought I was accusing her or because she is withholding information from me but things do not add up. I believe I should talk to a professional ASAP, but I'm curious as to your speculations.

Therapy. Someone with a Trauma specialty, or as close as you can get.
I was very much in pieces when I went looking for help.
It's a little harder to find than you might think. Be perpared for some "NO"s for different reasons. also don't be afraid to shop around some. You have to be comfortable with who you go to for help. and you don't have to accept the first one with an opening.
But you should see someone professional ASAP.
you have some serious warning signs.
just so I'm sure you're not misunderstanding me, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you. like- you're a nut, and should race off immediately for the nearest pysch hospital for and extended stay.
I'm saying there's help out there. you don't have to go through this alone. you can get get relief for some issues, more stability and ways to cope with the rest.
I kow what it's like to feel much like you descibe. i'll spare you the list.
therapy is work though. but it can make Life better.

jax

i know a few people with SPD. here in NY it is called Sensory Integration Dysfunction and is a neurological/ medical problem where the brain cant always store feelings, memories because the brain gets so overwhelmed due to over stimulation, stress ....

The people I know with this have the same symptoms you do...they have a range of emotions but when under stressful, social and work related situations they sometimes get overwhelmed because their brain can not process what is going on, their brain doesnt always store their memories because of the way SPD works.

I cant tell you what to do, but my opinion is yes it may be helpful for you to contact a treatment provider that understands what SPD is (example a neurologist, medical doctor, mental health providers) they can explain your SPD to you in a way that you can understand and help you to learn ways to help your brain process the information that your senses are telling you, when you are in situations where your brain due to the SPD cant process and store memories related to your senses.