Quote:
Originally Posted by TentativeConnection
Because I have been in therapy a lot and after starting with my current T, I realized for the first time that I had never really attached or connected to any of them more than superficially. I did not know what was missing from my therapeutic experience, and now that I do, the invasive feeling of connectedness and attachment is disconcerting- it's like red ants crawling under my skin. I WANT the connection, but I am afraid of it.So I push her away. I think based on what you wrote that you already understand what I am feeling.
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The part I bolded is what really rings a bell with me. This is what you should be working on. I think all the other stalker-type stuff, and the humor, is an avoidance tactic. And why not? It works! I'm in a similar situation with closeness, and I have my own avoidance tactics.
But the result is the same - we manage not to talk about the hard stuff. Like why you feel that connectedness is "invasive." Healthy connectedness is wonderful! I felt it with my T for a whole week before I lost it again! But unhealthy ... not so much. Where you feel it like ants under your skin, I feel it as suffocating and panicky.
I think you're also testing T and using the hankster's game to avoid connection. But anywho ... try focusing more on why connection feels so awful and maybe you can figure out where that came from. And be on your way to being able to experience what healthy connection feels like. I hope! Good luck!