Trying to get my T to terminate me

(half heartedly) because she won't let me quit. (I started pulling away when I started feeling connected to her).

She told me she would terminate a client if they followed her home, so I told her I followed her home. She (laughed bc she didn't believe me) but said cautiously (just in case) "okay, we should talk about it."

And I said WHAT? I thought that meant goodbye. And admitted I didn't really follow her home.

But since following her home was not enough, I kept asking what I needed to do to get the boot. Aside from shooting her (which she seems obsessed with) and is not an option since I have no desire to harm her nor dreams of a small prison cell, I kept asking and finally privacy invasion came up over and over, so I told her I googled her (I did, but it was before I had my first session).

I noted the name discrepancy but never asked about it until yesterday when I asked what her real name was, because what I found online said the name she goes by is her middle name not her first. She replied

"Denise is my middle name, and stop googling me!!!!!" (I took this in a joking manner, not like a yell).

I replied saying Bella (first name) can I call you Bella? Bell? If I bring a copy of your credit report, a satellite photo of your current home and a list of the all the homes you've lived in for the last ten years to session, would that be sufficient for termination?

That's GOT to top merely following you home."

And then I told my mom and sister what I had said and they were appalled and they thought my T would be VERY upset so I got worried and started rethinking it.... I thought she would just laugh and not take me serious, since I wasn't being serious (I would have to pay $45 for that info, as if! lol) But really, I wouldn't get it anyway.

But she is concerned about privacy and hates the internet, so what if she did take me serious even a little bit?

What do you guys think? Bad move on my part?

Edit: I am in no way serious about terminating. I am just feeling edgy/uncomfortable about the forming attachment between us and do things to push her away. She usually just laughs at me and we move on.

okay, my brilliance, what is going on with you? why this cat and mouse game? why do you think that no one can like you? so you have to push them away before they reject you? I know your game. I invented your game. you owe me royalties if you want to play this game. I think you probably shouldn't be talking to your mother and sister, they're a pair, right?

Just stop showing up. That's a good way of terminating someone, without all the passive-aggressive prankster stuff.

If she calls you up or knocks on your door, tell her that you will call the police if she doesn't leave you alone.

If you don't want to do any of the above, then you can't possibly be serious about terminating. Your therapist no doubt knows this.

If you want to quit therapy, simply stop going. Don't harrass you therapist. That's rude and stalkerish. Do the mature thing and simply tell her you will no longer be returning to therapy. She can't force you to attend therapy unless perhaps it is court ordered. If that is not the case, all you have to do is stop going. If you want to make it official, write a formal letter stating your intent to discontinue therapy and telling her that she cannot contact you. Send it registered mail and be done with it. Playing games is NOT the adult way to end your therapy.

If you want to end therapy, YOU can end it. That is within your power. On the other hand, if you want to cross boundaries and make someone feel uncomfortable, you can choose that, too (that's how I read your behavior). If you want to talk to your therapist about being uncomfortable in therapy, that's another choice.

What do you want to do?

Because I have been in therapy a lot and after starting with my current T, I realized for the first time that I had never really attached or connected to any of them more than superficially. I did not know what was missing from my therapeutic experience, and now that I do, the invasive feeling of connectedness and attachment is disconcerting- it's like red ants crawling under my skin. I WANT the connection, but I am afraid of it.So I push her away. I think based on what you wrote that you already understand what I am feeling.

But she understands that.

And mostly she gets me and my sense of humor, and I did not mean what I said to her as a literal threat, it was just a joke...maybe a little limit testing.

She replied and said she is not mad, why do I keep thinking she is mad and will reject me? That her liking for me remains constant, and to remember that feelings are not facts, they're just stories you make up in your head and then choose to live by.

It's not about being terminated. I guess it's about reliving being "held" is where the result is for you.

Seems like your using humor as a defense mechanism to prevent transference or a connection with her, how's that workin for ya? I do similar things so don't get offended. As for the "creepy" comments on following her home and stuff, it seems like she knows you well enough to know your just joking...but in her profession I would think there is a healthy fear of those things so IN MY OPINION , I'd tell her exactly what you said here. That your fear of a connection is where all this stuff is coming from. Just talk to her and be honest, this will alleviate your fears and clarify your prior statements.

Hankster where do I send my royalty check?

I feel like this too.

The part I bolded is what really rings a bell with me. This is what you should be working on. I think all the other stalker-type stuff, and the humor, is an avoidance tactic. And why not? It works! I'm in a similar situation with closeness, and I have my own avoidance tactics. But the result is the same - we manage not to talk about the hard stuff. Like why you feel that connectedness is "invasive." Healthy connectedness is wonderful! I felt it with my T for a whole week before I lost it again! But unhealthy ... not so much. Where you feel it like ants under your skin, I feel it as suffocating and panicky.

I think you're also testing T and using the hankster's game to avoid connection. But anywho ... try focusing more on why connection feels so awful and maybe you can figure out where that came from. And be on your way to being able to experience what healthy connection feels like. I hope! Good luck!

I'm glad your T 'gets' your humour, and I had a giggle at your post... If you haven't done so already though, I would have a good talk with your T about your urge to push her away because you find the connection uncomfortable/scary. It'll help her to see what's going on for you.

yes. you are right. she has already told me that my fear of connection is important. she wrote me this:


"Your experience of wanting and not wanting and all the resistance around that IS the important business we need to attend to. It's more important than talking about stuff...it's the thing that will grow new neurons that will eventually make you feel more comfortable in the world and in your own skin. So, really, I'm glad that you're feeling it and can describe it."

Even in "humor" the behavior is concerning. Then if T were to terminate, what then? Then we get upset at T for "abandoning"? As a T recently who was seriously threatened and harmed by a client, I can say I would not engage in this game, its a risk not worth taking. I say this to urge you to say what you mean and mean what you say. Exploring limits is fine, pressing or threatening them in this way is not.

Excactly - You have a clever T Keep up the good work

::shrug:: I am sorry that happened to you, but my T knows that I am not a threat to her and she understands the spirit in which these things were said. I think if you don't understand the way we interact then what I said sounds worse than it really is.

She did however tell me that if I keep trying to get terminated eventually I will succeed, and that I might not actually enjoy the results, so- your warning has been duly noted.

Sounds like you have some excellent insight.