I think that healthy dependence looks different at different points in therapy. At some points, as much as total dependence might be the healthy amount, since it's in the process of developing that that the work of correcting any past deficiencies in attachment occurs. At other times, less dependence might be considered healthy. It really all depends on what your needs are at any given time.

I also think that for those of us who have been fiercely independent for as long as we can remember, it may take a greater level of attachment/dependence to help us to understand that being completely independent may not be the best way to live for the long term.

I would think it would be something like this:

1. You don't feel like you have to email or call your therapist for every little "crisis" that comes up.

2. If you do email your therapist, you can allow some passage of time without hearing from them before thinking the worse.

3. You don't get jealous when your therapist talks about other patients or their own family members.

4. You don't stalk them. When the session is over, you don't hang around afterwards.

5. They don't have to be absolutely perfect all the time for you to think they like you. They can disagree with you or express disapproval about your behavior without you concluding they hate you.

6. You aren't constantly thinking they are going to fire you.

7. Your mind doesn't instantly turn to suicide at the thought of them not being around.

8. You are comfortable showing progress and getting better. You are more interested in your own wellness than being pitiable to your therapist.

9. You don't alter your life just so you can keep seeing your therapist. If you get a job offer in another state, you don't decline it just because you're afraid of losing your therapist.

Some of these I have struggled with. I deal with #1 more often than I'd like to admit. I have been guilty of #4, #7, and #8 (manufactured crisis anyone?) at some point in time. I try not to beat myself up over it, though.

This is one I have struggled with, My old T and very first T was obsessed with boundries, she would always encourage me to ring her but then when I did, twic in the whole year and a half she would let rip about crossing her boundaries, she text me once after a session and asked how I was, this was very early on. So i text back and I didn't abuse this at all. i only ever text to change appts, or to say thanks after bad sessions-she would relply sometimes and others not reply. I once asked her, if she could ring my doctors for me as I had just changed doctors and was feeling very down and Sui, she did this and then in next session she said, this is not what therapy is, and tat it doesn't include texting- we are not friends. I said I understood, which I did but then she text me again to ask how I was , so I was getting mixed messages all the time. Then when She text and I didn't reply she would send same text again and again until I answered. I wasn't playing games just was trying to clear my head from all the therapy, so for me I am very confused by this whole topic and with my new T, I am terrified of crossing her boundries and will not ring, text or email her...even though she did say at the last sesssion to ring next day but I didn't because I am so scared after my last T.