What does a healthy attachment/dependence look like?

What does a healthy attachment/dependence look like in the therapeutic relationship?

What would the characteristics be? Where is the line between dependence and independence and how do these change over the course of therapy?

I'm curious because I was really attached to my first therapist and tried to depend on him thoroughly. The problem was that I never got over an early trust rupture and had a bad termination to boot.

I have come to have a more solid trust in my current therapist, but I don't depend on him as much as he'd like and I strive to be quite independent. I handle breaks well, though there have been very few of them. I don't obsess about therapy throughout the week, even if I'm struggling. I might obsess over whether or not to email my T between sessions, but that is about it.

Anyway, I would love to hear your thoughts!

My therapist thinks that for some people, particularly those who missed out on having a safe dependable relationship in childhood, that it's part of the process and normal to come to depend on a therapists help. She considers it a bit like growing up again, a place you don't stay forever, but a stage you need to move through.

I also have always tried to be very independent. I was throughout childhood, so it's been hard for me to really trust and rely on having help and support there when I need it. I think it naturally progressed to what it is now, as over time the help and support has stayed as solid and consistent and dependable as I've needed.

I think the amount of dependence that will develop is probably quite unique to each individual. I almost wish I felt a bit more like you do...but then again, it's nice to have someone I can and do depend on for the first time in my life.

I dont know what it looks like, but I wish I did.

I have a healthy attachment to my therapist. I don't worry about abandonment. I don't have problems trusting him. I don't think of him as anything other than my therapist (don't think of him as, or long for him to be, my friend or lover or parent). I accept that he is a fallible human being and can forgive his short-comings pretty easily.

We have a mutual respect for each other as people. We are very open and honest with each other; I don't worry that he'll reject me for anything that I tell him. We each hold healthy boundaries and respect each other's boundaries.

I am naturally more dependent on him when I am in crisis, but I have learned more about how to cope effectively with a crisis when it does come up so it isn't such a feeling of desparation for his help anymore as it used to be. I have no qualms about asking him for his help and support when I need it.

Thanks so much for your question. We have similar experiences.

I think that healthy dependence looks different at different points in therapy. At some points, as much as total dependence might be the healthy amount, since it's in the process of developing that that the work of correcting any past deficiencies in attachment occurs. At other times, less dependence might be considered healthy. It really all depends on what your needs are at any given time.

I also think that for those of us who have been fiercely independent for as long as we can remember, it may take a greater level of attachment/dependence to help us to understand that being completely independent may not be the best way to live for the long term.

I would think it would be something like this:

1. You don't feel like you have to email or call your therapist for every little "crisis" that comes up.

2. If you do email your therapist, you can allow some passage of time without hearing from them before thinking the worse.

3. You don't get jealous when your therapist talks about other patients or their own family members.

4. You don't stalk them. When the session is over, you don't hang around afterwards.

5. They don't have to be absolutely perfect all the time for you to think they like you. They can disagree with you or express disapproval about your behavior without you concluding they hate you.

6. You aren't constantly thinking they are going to fire you.

7. Your mind doesn't instantly turn to suicide at the thought of them not being around.

8. You are comfortable showing progress and getting better. You are more interested in your own wellness than being pitiable to your therapist.

9. You don't alter your life just so you can keep seeing your therapist. If you get a job offer in another state, you don't decline it just because you're afraid of losing your therapist.

Some of these I have struggled with. I deal with #1 more often than I'd like to admit. I have been guilty of #4, #7, and #8 (manufactured crisis anyone?) at some point in time. I try not to beat myself up over it, though.

it's like you read my mind! I THINK i'm almost there!

I feel I have a strong and healthy attachment to my T. I do not feel dependent on him, though. I don't equate attachment and dependence. But I do rely on him for a lot. I rely on him to always have my best interests at heart and to act accordingly. I rely on him to willingly explore the deep and dark places within me that hold me back in life. I rely on him to keep my confidence. He is very reliable! But I don't feel dependent on him, which I imagine to be that I can't make decisions without phoning him up for advice, that I can't wait the full length of time between sessions without contacting him even if there is no crisis, etc. I am very comfortable with the boundaries of our relationship and don't wish to be his friend or a member of his family. I don't feel jealous of his other clients. I liked the list from autorelica. The one that has given me some trouble earlier was #2. If I called my T about something, he would often not call me back (ever). I don't call my T to do phone therapy so there was always a reason, such as I needed to reschedule. It made me wonder if I had breached a boundary by calling him since he didn't call back. But as time passed, I realized he was just bad on the phone and disorganized, and it was nothing personal. He messed up with phone calls to other clients too. Now that I know this about him I just don't phone him, since it is such a hit or miss method of communication. I think what bothered me about those times wasn't so much attachment-related, but that I worried I was crossing boundaries. It can be hard to disentangle all this stuff sometimes.

This is one I have struggled with, My old T and very first T was obsessed with boundries, she would always encourage me to ring her but then when I did, twic in the whole year and a half she would let rip about crossing her boundaries, she text me once after a session and asked how I was, this was very early on. So i text back and I didn't abuse this at all. i only ever text to change appts, or to say thanks after bad sessions-she would relply sometimes and others not reply. I once asked her, if she could ring my doctors for me as I had just changed doctors and was feeling very down and Sui, she did this and then in next session she said, this is not what therapy is, and tat it doesn't include texting- we are not friends. I said I understood, which I did but then she text me again to ask how I was , so I was getting mixed messages all the time. Then when She text and I didn't reply she would send same text again and again until I answered. I wasn't playing games just was trying to clear my head from all the therapy, so for me I am very confused by this whole topic and with my new T, I am terrified of crossing her boundries and will not ring, text or email her...even though she did say at the last sesssion to ring next day but I didn't because I am so scared after my last T.

Button, I think a discussion over boundaries with your T would be helpful. My xT did the whole mixed message thing as well, she would email me... But I wasn't to email her, or only when she wanted it... Very mind boggling.

Its very confusing, isn't it? They of all people should have strong firm boundries with no room for mixed messages!

I think you're right on so many levels. Thanks for sharing

Wow, great list!

That is so confusing. Did you ever confront her about this?

On the topic of boundaries, I'm a huge boundary person. I like to know where the lines are and stay well away from them. My therapist purposely doesn't spell out the boundaries because he wants me to depend more (like calling/emailing). I still try to keep within what I think are reasonable boundaries and T has never complained....but I find it hard not knowing for sure what the boundaries are.

The last thing I want to do is to cross a line and then deal with the aftermath which would be embarrassing and very shaming.

It is very embarrasing and shaming. I agree. tc

And for the dismissive avoidant among us:

1. You feel like you may email or call your therapist if a huge crisis comes up.

2. If you do email your therapist, you don't immediately quit before seeing them again.

3. You don't cheer when your therapist talks about other patients or their own family members because you are afraid without those others they would be getting too attached to you.

4. You don't rush out on them. When the session is over, you don't tear out of the office and parking lot in order to get as far away as fast as possible.

5. You don't have to be absolutely afraid all the time of thinking they may like you. They can tell you they care without you concluding they are punishing you by telling you such.

6. You aren't constantly thinking of how to to fire them.

7. Your mind doesn't instantly turn to suicide at the thought of them being around too much.

8. You are comfortable showing lack of progress. You are more interested in your own wellness than being invincible to your therapist.

9. You don't alter your life just so you can avoid seeing your therapist. You don't deliberately seek a job offer in another state, you don't accept it just because you are afraid of going to the therapist.

Thanks for the timely attachment/dependence post, and from a muggle no less

I Took the TEST:

1. You don't feel like you have to email or call your therapist for every little "crisis" that comes up. FAIL

2. If you do email your therapist, you can allow some passage of time without hearing from them before thinking the worse. Can't email n/a

3. You don't get jealous when your therapist talks about other patients or their own family members. PASS, I don't get jealous

4. You don't stalk them. When the session is over, you don't hang around afterwards. Hang around afterwords? Like how would you pull that off? I leave right after session, a few times quickly. PASS

5. They don't have to be absolutely perfect all the time for you to think they like you. They can disagree with you or express disapproval about your behavior without you concluding they hate you. FAIL What if he disapproves and then terminates you?

6. You aren't constantly thinking they are going to fire you. FAIL

7. Your mind doesn't instantly turn to suicide at the thought of them not being around. PASS it doesn't instantly

8. You are comfortable showing progress and getting better. You are more interested in your own wellness than being pitiable to your therapist. PASS/FAIL I have shown progress, but have also shown interest in being pitiable (?). POSSIBLY, the pitiable part is/are real emotions that the T took as looking for attention. Now that's pitiable.

9. You don't alter your life just so you can keep seeing your therapist. If you get a job offer in another state, you don't decline it just because you're afraid of losing your therapist. PASS it didn't happen to me.

Some of these I have struggled with. I deal with #1 more often than I'd like to admit. I have been guilty of #4, #7, and #8 (manufactured crisis anyone?) at some point in time. I try not to beat myself up over it, though.

(Steps on soap box)
My question is, what is at the root cause of dependency? My T would say I"m dependent, okay why is that? One just doesn't decide to be dependent one day because it would be fun or anything right? I think we should be able to work through our, okay I'll say it, dependency issues, without shame, without a timeline, and without expectations coming from the therapist. (The therapist can guide the patient.) The patient is learning how to attach and become more independent, so each step to me is the result of working through dependency, not necessarily did the independence come about from working toward those goals. Once we can accept ourselves as dependent, worriers of firing, etc., is when we can become whole. AND THAT, in my opinion is what it is all about. ( not the hokie pokie, sorry)