rainbow, i think that is just it. i think it is about your mom and the fact that she isn't around anymore. she was the one who filled all those needs and wants and her absence has left you bereft. no one can replace her but once you have fully grieved the loss of her you will experience some peace. rather than grieving it seems you try to get your Ts to fill the hole that is the absence of your mom. none of them can ever do that though and then you get upset about that. your mom was a one-of-a-kind. she can't be replaced.

Rainbow, do these kinds of feelings happen only in T relationships or do they happen in all of your close relationships?

Rainbow:
Your therapist can't be your friend.
Your friends can't be your therapist.
Yes, I intellectually know those statements are true.
In therapy, a therapist has a certain way of being that is best for you and all her clients--she's there for her clients and purposefully doesn't do certain things for your best interest like become your friend, engage in inappropriate touch, hang out with you away from sessions and meet your grandchildren. Therapy is all about you and you alone, not her. It isn't about working on a friendship as you know friendships. It is a unique relationship designed to be safe and focused on the client.
Again, I do know these things you're stating.
There are limits to the relationship.
Of course.
If you cannot focus or stand it, then maybe your therapist's suggestion was right about needing to stop therapy. Since you have started with her it seems like you have been involved in an obession in your mind.
Unfortunately, I've repeated the same pattern with her as with my other Ts.
You might try understanding that your therapist is a human and has faults. She would never be the "perfect friend" you imagine her to be. You don't see all her faults, but she has them like all of us do. If she were in your real life, like you seem to want, she would never be able to meet all your needs and you would be left wanting just as you are now. It isn't about her. It is about something inside you. That is why this pattern has repeated with all your therapists. It is inside you. No amount of hand holding, hugging, or attention can take it away.
I realize that now, and that's what hurts so much. Realizing it yet wanting her to be that person which I KNOW is totally fantasy.
You have to do the work of filling yourself up. That will help.
It takes time and persistence.
It is the only way out of pain.
Radical acceptance can help as can the other skills you can learn in DBT.

rainbow, i think that it may not be about NEEDS at all but LOSS, again the loss of your mom. it may be the reason you can't figure out what the childhood unmet needs are is because this is not really about unmet childhood needs but an adult loss. it's true your mom fostered a very dependent relationship with you, so in some ways you were left emotionally in a younger place even as an adult. then, when your mom died you were not really equipped emotionally to handle her loss. losing a close parent is always going to be difficult but especially so when one is overly dependent on them.

you have mentioned manytimes your anxiety about your T's skinny weight, that she might get sick & your appointments get cancelled, your anxiety when your T or loved ones travel, your fear of airplanes, etc. i believe these are all a fear of the death of loved ones and again connected to the fear of facing your mom's death.

i think it's even possible the reason you can't cry when with your T is not because of shame but because when you are with your T is when you are comforted. it is the LOSS or absence of T that is what is upsetting to you. therefore, you cry in the car or at home when not with her. this is again about the LOSS of your mom and your T is a substitute for your mom as you told us once when you said "if i never quit T it is like my mom never died". it is the ABSENCE of T that is upsetting not her presence. that is why your tears flow in her absence...because you haven't been able to fully grieve the loss of your mom.
That all makes sense except for all my Ts telling me it's about not fitting right with my Mom, and having BPD and selective mutism.
rainbow, please allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of your mom. you will be okay.

rainbow,
there are limits to ALL relationships, not just the therapeutic one. No one will ever meet all those unmet needs. It's impossible. What you are looking for in Ts does not exist anywhere. I think it's great that you have started DBT. It will teach you how to cope with reality. You don't have to suffer all your life in search for someone to fill those unmet needs. DBT can teach you how to stop suffering. radical acceptance!

But do you think that would really be enough? If you were allowed into T's life as a close friend, you did artwork together and she met your grandchildren, then the end of the day would come and she would say "Rainbow, it's time for you to go home now. It's late and my husband and I are going to go to bed." Would you feel happy that you had a great day and look forward to going home to your own H? Or would you feel jealous that you were being asked to leave and T's H was the one who got to stay? I suspect it would be probably be the latter. It sounds as though you always want to be knocking down that bedroom door and jumping in between T and her H.You've got a good memory! I KNOW it wouldn't really work. I was just letting my mind go where it wanted to go. I DO know the reality, of course. From your history of posts, the "in love" and romantic feelings for your T seem to be a big part of your pattern and a big source of upset. The fact that you have these desires-- and then call them "icky"-- sounds like internal homophobia. It also sounds like denial or a defense mechanism-- the fact that you bring up those desires and then degrade them. (If they weren't there, you wouldn't bring them up at all). How would it feel to you if someone suggested you were bisexual?I've often wondered about that. My T has even brought it up. I told her that it doesn't matter because I'm not going to act on it. If that is the case, could you accept that part of yourself?Probably I could accept that part. Do you think the reason the "in love" feelings come up with all of your Ts is, in part, because you do have some desire bisexual desires that you have never acknowledged or explored?TBH, I think it comes up because I'm not getting those needs satisfied anywhere right now, except by myself. And in T, because it can never actually happen-- and you can write it off as transference or as "teenager" wants-- it makes it safter to feel? LIkely, the source of your pattern comes from many different places (not just one). And I think, as others have suggested, the loss of your mom might make a lot of sense (and probably a lot more sense than you never having had needs met that you say WERE met by your mom!). Did your pattern with Ts start before or after the loss of your mom?Before the loss of my Mom. No, I didn't go to therapy until after my Mom died. But my pattern started from 1st grade, I think. Before or after your relationship with your T stopped being satisfying? No, my first T replaced a guy I was "in love with". My H's friend, to be exact. How old were you when your pattern started? Not sure if it counts but I always put my jacket next to a boy's jacket in 1st grade. I never talked to him, though. Then the crush in 4th grade. Another boy! I loved him in my mind but didn't speak to him. Then a friend of the family. Then my H's friend. THEN all my female Ts. Your pattern with your Ts may be a way of compensating for several different things you are missing as an adult, not as a child.

I too think you are grieving the wrong thing. In the past when anyone raises the issue of your mother you barely address it or ignore it completely. Does it NEED to be about T because facing what it is really about (your mom) is just too painful?
As I've said, aside from my 1st T, when I didn't want to talk about my Mom (strange because she died a few months before I started therapy) I talked about her with all my other Ts.
As enmeshed as your mom was with you there were many things you needed from her in her lifetime that you never received. I don't think it is coincidental that love, unconditional acceptance and emmeshment are the things you repeatedly seek from your Ts. As long as you can get these from your Ts you don't have to ever face the loss of your mom.

Conversely, as long as you don't face the loss of your mom and all that it means for you, you will have this NEED to avoid it through enmeshment with your Ts.

As much as your pattern protects you, it also keeps you trapped.