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#26
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![]() Last edited by rainbow8; Sep 21, 2012 at 02:36 PM. Reason: added line |
![]() taylor43
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#27
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This is the distraction away from what it really is about?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
![]() Luce
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#28
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I logged back on to answer you, Sannah. I think it really IS about the need for my T, or someone like her. It IS about those unmet needs. That is what hurts the most. It's about ME wanting those things from SOMEONE but that SOMEONE DOESN'T EXIST! Is that distraction? It's what hurts, those NEEDS not getting satisfied. Am I in denial or something?
![]() I meant NEEDS as a noun, not a verb in my previous post. Is that why I'm confused? |
![]() Sannah
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#29
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__________________
~ formerly bloom3 |
![]() rainbow8
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#30
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Rainbow, do these kinds of feelings happen only in T relationships or do they happen in all of your close relationships?
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![]() rainbow8
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#31
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Rainbow:
Your therapist can't be your friend. Your friends can't be your therapist. In therapy, a therapist has a certain way of being that is best for you and all her clients--she's there for her clients and purposefully doesn't do certain things for your best interest like become your friend, engage in inappropriate touch, hang out with you away from sessions and meet your grandchildren. Therapy is all about you and you alone, not her. It isn't about working on a friendship as you know friendships. It is a unique relationship designed to be safe and focused on the client. There are limits to the relationship. If you cannot focus or stand it, then maybe your therapist's suggestion was right about needing to stop therapy. Since you have started with her it seems like you have been involved in an obession in your mind. You might try understanding that your therapist is a human and has faults. She would never be the "perfect friend" you imagine her to be. You don't see all her faults, but she has them like all of us do. If she were in your real life, like you seem to want, she would never be able to meet all your needs and you would be left wanting just as you are now. It isn't about her. It is about something inside you. That is why this pattern has repeated with all your therapists. It is inside you. No amount of hand holding, hugging, or attention can take it away. You have to do the work of filling yourself up. That will help. It takes time and persistence. It is the only way out of pain. Radical acceptance can help as can the other skills you can learn in DBT. |
![]() Asiablue, rainbow8
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#32
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you have mentioned manytimes your anxiety about your T's skinny weight, that she might get sick & your appointments get cancelled, your anxiety when your T or loved ones travel, your fear of airplanes, etc. i believe these are all a fear of the death of loved ones and again connected to the fear of facing your mom's death. i think it's even possible the reason you can't cry when with your T is not because of shame but because when you are with your T is when you are comforted. it is the LOSS or absence of T that is what is upsetting to you. therefore, you cry in the car or at home when not with her. this is again about the LOSS of your mom and your T is a substitute for your mom as you told us once when you said "if i never quit T it is like my mom never died". it is the ABSENCE of T that is upsetting not her presence. that is why your tears flow in her absence...because you haven't been able to fully grieve the loss of your mom. rainbow, please allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of your mom. you will be okay. ![]()
__________________
~ formerly bloom3 |
![]() Asiablue, Luce, rainbow8
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#33
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rainbow,
there are limits to ALL relationships, not just the therapeutic one. No one will ever meet all those unmet needs. It's impossible. What you are looking for in Ts does not exist anywhere. I think it's great that you have started DBT. It will teach you how to cope with reality. You don't have to suffer all your life in search for someone to fill those unmet needs. DBT can teach you how to stop suffering. radical acceptance! |
![]() rainbow8
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#34
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![]() Asiablue, rainbow8, skysblue, venusss
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#35
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As enmeshed as your mom was with you there were many things you needed from her in her lifetime that you never received. I don't think it is coincidental that love, unconditional acceptance and emmeshment are the things you repeatedly seek from your Ts. As long as you can get these from your Ts you don't have to ever face the loss of your mom. Conversely, as long as you don't face the loss of your mom and all that it means for you, you will have this NEED to avoid it through enmeshment with your Ts. As much as your pattern protects you, it also keeps you trapped. |
![]() rainbow8
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#36
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I appreciate all of the thoughtful replies and for your trying to help me "figure it out". I really do. I also appreciate them being written in a compassionate way. ![]() |
#37
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((( Rainbow )))
It's so difficult to know so much - yet still not know how to change the pattern or the feelings that arise. So frustrating...(( HUGS ))
__________________
Don't follow the path that lies before you. Instead, veer from the path - and leave a trail... ![]() |
![]() rainbow8
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#38
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Thank you for understanding, MUE. I feel like parts of the puzzle are not only missing, but lost so that I will never find them. I need to radically accept that I won't know exactly why I have these needs. I think I can use DBT skills already! It's a dialectic. I don't have all the answers AND I can still accept the way I am, and change. For anyone who took DBT, is that correct? Dialectic says there's more than one answer.
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#39
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hi rainbow, i hope you realize i wasn't saying you haven't grieved but rather that you probably haven't grieved enough. i think grieving is more of a process with many layers than something that can be taken care of by a few exercises or sessions. as for how to grieve i do think your T would be a great person to ask about that, and whether she believes you've fully grieved the death of your mom. as i mentioned before one thing you could do is join a bereavement group to hear others share their stories and to share your own. sometimes it is when we hear others share that we are able to really relate and access our own stuff. another thing you could do is see an existential T for a period of time because issues of death are their specialty from what i gather. i'm sort of surprised you haven't done that when i hear you talk about your fears surrounding your own and other loved ones' death.
i wanted to clarify that the reason i've mentioned your mom's death as key to your pattern with your Ts, not all your other life's problems, is for several factors including that statement you made a year or two ago "if i just stay in therapy forever it's like my mom never died" (my paraphrase). i believe that was a moment of real clarity and candor on your part. it doesn't matter how long ago your mom died for it to still be affecting you. after all, you go on in your post to talk about mundane things in elementary school like your childhood crushes and seem to think that somehow has affected you still today. really? personally, i think we have to be careful not to go digging thru one's past trying to come up with an explanation for a current problem. i think we have to start with what we are currently struggling with, listen carefully, and then find the thread and follow it back to its source rather than digging around in our past trying to find something that could possibly fit and assign it meaning. i'm not saying you're doing that but just to be careful of it. it isn't that i think you had some perfect childhood and have no unmet childhood needs--i don't think that at all--but rather looking at the evidence of your present life & struggles i think it largely points to something else. i'm sure your childhood did impact your pattern too but just not in the ways that i see you suggesting. that statement you made here combined with your incredible fears of Ts health, her or your other loved one's dying in accidents, fear of flying, etc. really indicate to me that this is all about a fear of the death of your loved ones. those aren't the only reasons i think your pattern is mostly about your mom's death but significant ones. i remember reading a book by h. norman wright, a psychologist, and he said when we have fully grieved our losses then we no longer struggle with the fears of them repeating. so, i think a possible indicator of knowing when you have completed the grieving process for your mom is when your fears about your other loved ones' dying is significantly lessened. i think that could be a good indicator.
__________________
~ formerly bloom3 |
![]() rainbow8
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#40
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Rainbow,
I think DBT is going to be a key element in your struggles! You seem to have already sensed that. This longing for your therapist isn't going to go away overnight. That's okay. DBT talks about radical acceptance being the way out of hell and suffering which is where you appear to be now. Also in DBT it talks about nonjudgmental attitude--which includes the judgements you put upon yourself, so you can ease up, accept the T relationship as it is and eventually you may come to love the T relationship with its limits because those limits will actually feel GOOD. |
![]() rainbow8
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#41
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This is what I think that you need to work on. All of these crushes that you described were relationships that occurred in your head with people that weren't available. You can work on this in therapy. This was the exact reason that I went to my first therapist. You can work through this.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
![]() rainbow8
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