hi rainbow, i hope you realize i wasn't saying you haven't grieved but rather that you probably haven't grieved enough. i think grieving is more of a process with many layers than something that can be taken care of by a few exercises or sessions. as for how to grieve i do think your T would be a great person to ask about that, and whether she believes you've fully grieved the death of your mom. as i mentioned before one thing you could do is join a bereavement group to hear others share their stories and to share your own. sometimes it is when we hear others share that we are able to really relate and access our own stuff. another thing you could do is see an existential T for a period of time because issues of death are their specialty from what i gather. i'm sort of surprised you haven't done that when i hear you talk about your fears surrounding your own and other loved ones' death.

i wanted to clarify that the reason i've mentioned your mom's death as key to your pattern with your Ts, not all your other life's problems, is for several factors including that statement you made a year or two ago "if i just stay in therapy forever it's like my mom never died" (my paraphrase). i believe that was a moment of real clarity and candor on your part. it doesn't matter how long ago your mom died for it to still be affecting you. after all, you go on in your post to talk about mundane things in elementary school like your childhood crushes and seem to think that somehow has affected you still today. really? personally, i think we have to be careful not to go digging thru one's past trying to come up with an explanation for a current problem. i think we have to start with what we are currently struggling with, listen carefully, and then find the thread and follow it back to its source rather than digging around in our past trying to find something that could possibly fit and assign it meaning. i'm not saying you're doing that but just to be careful of it. it isn't that i think you had some perfect childhood and have no unmet childhood needs--i don't think that at all--but rather looking at the evidence of your present life & struggles i think it largely points to something else. i'm sure your childhood did impact your pattern too but just not in the ways that i see you suggesting.

that statement you made here combined with your incredible fears of Ts health, her or your other loved one's dying in accidents, fear of flying, etc. really indicate to me that this is all about a fear of the death of your loved ones. those aren't the only reasons i think your pattern is mostly about your mom's death but significant ones. i remember reading a book by h. norman wright, a psychologist, and he said when we have fully grieved our losses then we no longer struggle with the fears of them repeating. so, i think a possible indicator of knowing when you have completed the grieving process for your mom is when your fears about your other loved ones' dying is significantly lessened. i think that could be a good indicator.