*****TRIGGER FOR MENTION OF SUI*****

Has anybody here quit trauma work, after deciding that the pain outweighs the benefits? I've just decided to quit after trying on and off for a few years. For some reason, I am just not cut out for it. Maybe it's due to my high sensitivity. Maybe there's some reason that I just don't possess the emotional constitution to tolerate that level of distress. I just don't know.

What I DO know is that most of the time in my waking life, I am not in touch with most painful emotions. I am definitely not in touch with the huge depth of pain that it pushed away in my consciousness, and which my t and I have referred to as the "child" part of me, or "the part that is stuck in the past and has been affected by traumas." The reason it is pushed away most of the time is so that I can function. If i were in touch with that kind of pain on a daily basis, I would be anxious, depressed, and distressed enough that it would interfere with my responsibilities at work and at home.

However, in therapy, we have attempted to access that part of me that holds the pain, have me experience the pain, and while also keeping my normal adult mind present, have my adult self comfort and soothe the part of me that is in such pain. It has always been extremely hard for me to do this -- to hold both parts of my mind conscious, and attempt to reassure and comfort myself until the pain dissipates. Most often, the part of me that holds the pain takes center stage, and I begin sobbing uncontrollably, while the adult part of me (very remote by now) tries to offer comfort, but ends up feeling frustrated and exhausted, while the parts that hold pain continue to hurt and feel needy for rescue.

In the past, my t played a more active role in communicating with the part of me that holds the pain. She would talk to that part of me, ask how it feels, and what, if anything, it needs from her to feel better. Often what was needed was reassurance that she was with me, that she cared about me, and that she wasn't going to leave. Having her acknowledge my pain and why I felt the way i did helped, as well as soothing phrases she would use such as, "I am here with you. You are going to be OK." On rare occasions, she would sit next to me and hold my hand during an especially heavy session when I struggled to tolerate the feelings and get myself back under control.

Lately though, my t has been stepping back in the trauma work and encouraging me to communicate with, help, and soothe myself. I totally understand why she is doing it, and realize i have to learn to handle my own emotional pain and needs. But the problem is that getting in touch with the level of my pain inside hurts so badly that i feel i can't tolerate it on my own. I also have trouble "containing" the distress that trauma work brings up when the session is over. After an especially painful session, I can leave my t's office feeling very exhausted and depressed, and this affects me for at least 2 days afterward.

The last couple of sessions have been the straw that broke the camel's back, as we've started working on my fear about my husband dying (some of you might know he is very ill). I have had issues with loss and abandonment my whole life. The worst possible test that could ever happen to me is seeing my h suffer and die. Already, i have seen him suffer alot. It kills me! I can't tolerate the idea of him dying. So for the last couple of weeks, my t has tried to work with me on this fear. But when i allow myself to start thinking about it and get in touch with my fear, it hurts so badly I can't stand it.

Having my t take a more remote part in soothing and supporting me makes it all the harder, as I'm trying to deal with my pain on my own. After this last session, I was so depressed I prayed to God to let my husband and I both die in our sleep. I don't know if i could, or want to, live without him. Even though I don't think i would ever act on it, thoughts of sui came to mind, as well as ideas on how it could be done quickly and relatively painlessly.

I don't like getting into the deep pit of despair. It's dangerous for me to get that low. So I've decided that i don't want to do trauma work anymore. I know by now i should be able to support myself more without my t's help, but I can't. It's too hard. And I don't feel right asking my t to comfort and reassure me more becauswe she has done that for a long time already, and I know she thinks it is time for me to be moving on from that place of being so needy and reliant. So there is no other choice than to quit the trauma work.

Has anybody else been in this position, and if so, what did you do about it? Any comments would be most welcome.

Peaches