Quitting Trauma Processing

*****TRIGGER FOR MENTION OF SUI*****

Has anybody here quit trauma work, after deciding that the pain outweighs the benefits? I've just decided to quit after trying on and off for a few years. For some reason, I am just not cut out for it. Maybe it's due to my high sensitivity. Maybe there's some reason that I just don't possess the emotional constitution to tolerate that level of distress. I just don't know.

What I DO know is that most of the time in my waking life, I am not in touch with most painful emotions. I am definitely not in touch with the huge depth of pain that it pushed away in my consciousness, and which my t and I have referred to as the "child" part of me, or "the part that is stuck in the past and has been affected by traumas." The reason it is pushed away most of the time is so that I can function. If i were in touch with that kind of pain on a daily basis, I would be anxious, depressed, and distressed enough that it would interfere with my responsibilities at work and at home.

However, in therapy, we have attempted to access that part of me that holds the pain, have me experience the pain, and while also keeping my normal adult mind present, have my adult self comfort and soothe the part of me that is in such pain. It has always been extremely hard for me to do this -- to hold both parts of my mind conscious, and attempt to reassure and comfort myself until the pain dissipates. Most often, the part of me that holds the pain takes center stage, and I begin sobbing uncontrollably, while the adult part of me (very remote by now) tries to offer comfort, but ends up feeling frustrated and exhausted, while the parts that hold pain continue to hurt and feel needy for rescue.

In the past, my t played a more active role in communicating with the part of me that holds the pain. She would talk to that part of me, ask how it feels, and what, if anything, it needs from her to feel better. Often what was needed was reassurance that she was with me, that she cared about me, and that she wasn't going to leave. Having her acknowledge my pain and why I felt the way i did helped, as well as soothing phrases she would use such as, "I am here with you. You are going to be OK." On rare occasions, she would sit next to me and hold my hand during an especially heavy session when I struggled to tolerate the feelings and get myself back under control.

Lately though, my t has been stepping back in the trauma work and encouraging me to communicate with, help, and soothe myself. I totally understand why she is doing it, and realize i have to learn to handle my own emotional pain and needs. But the problem is that getting in touch with the level of my pain inside hurts so badly that i feel i can't tolerate it on my own. I also have trouble "containing" the distress that trauma work brings up when the session is over. After an especially painful session, I can leave my t's office feeling very exhausted and depressed, and this affects me for at least 2 days afterward.

The last couple of sessions have been the straw that broke the camel's back, as we've started working on my fear about my husband dying (some of you might know he is very ill). I have had issues with loss and abandonment my whole life. The worst possible test that could ever happen to me is seeing my h suffer and die. Already, i have seen him suffer alot. It kills me! I can't tolerate the idea of him dying. So for the last couple of weeks, my t has tried to work with me on this fear. But when i allow myself to start thinking about it and get in touch with my fear, it hurts so badly I can't stand it.

Having my t take a more remote part in soothing and supporting me makes it all the harder, as I'm trying to deal with my pain on my own. After this last session, I was so depressed I prayed to God to let my husband and I both die in our sleep. I don't know if i could, or want to, live without him. Even though I don't think i would ever act on it, thoughts of sui came to mind, as well as ideas on how it could be done quickly and relatively painlessly.

I don't like getting into the deep pit of despair. It's dangerous for me to get that low. So I've decided that i don't want to do trauma work anymore. I know by now i should be able to support myself more without my t's help, but I can't. It's too hard. And I don't feel right asking my t to comfort and reassure me more becauswe she has done that for a long time already, and I know she thinks it is time for me to be moving on from that place of being so needy and reliant. So there is no other choice than to quit the trauma work.

Has anybody else been in this position, and if so, what did you do about it? Any comments would be most welcome.

Peaches

Big hugs, Peaches. I am sorry about your husband. I am working on trauma stuff also, and I have expressed to my T that I am concerned about getting out all the pain and horror I have packed away inside and then not being able to get it all back put away and contained by the time the session ends. I end up disconcerted and unable to concentrate at work. I'm numb right after the appointment, usually, but the distress re-occurs (it seems) a day or so after the appointment. We used to meet on Thursdays, but moved the appointments to Tuesdays, so I could call him if I needed help a day or two after the appointment.

I don't have any good answers. We have been slowly slogging through my yucky stuff. slllloooooooowwwwwwlllly. I just keep trying because I want so much for things to be different. Maybe you just need a bit of a break.

(((( peaches ))))

I can relate to some of what you're going through, although I haven't delved into trauma work enough to truly even say I've begun to work through it.

I, too, wonder if it's worth it...In the 3-1/2 years that I've been in therapy, I've learned enough to be able to get by in life. But, I do believe that by working through the traumas, a whole other aspect of my being can be accessed and add value to my life...which I would love to have happen. But I am too fearful of the awfulness that going through the muck causes. During the few times that we've touched on trauma, I've either dissociated quite badly or have been an anxious, needy mess.....and I hate it.

This sounds like I wrote it, I totally get your pain. I think the problem with this is that therapists don't understand how much we need them to be there with us during these times, AND I think that therapists, since they are humans, can't do this for us for long periods of time, if at all. That part of us wants another adult, not us as an adult, it just doesn't work that way. The patient world and the therapist world have not come close to conquering this issue, in my opinion. I hope someone is trying to do so, but I"m not sure. Meanwhile, we are left not being whole, fearful of that part of us, and we are having to accept that no one can really help us with this. We have to accept that what is destroying us, wearing us thin, is also wearing our therapists thin. It isn't our fault, nor is it theirs.

So how do we live fragmented? I don't know, it sounds like a lot of us struggle from day to day just to make it through. I sometimes feel like I wasn't mean to live a care-free life.

I can't blame you for quitting, but do you have a plan B? Are your sui thoughts coming from you having to go through this in therapy or from the thought that you now have to go it alone?

Wishing you the absolute best!!! Keep posting.

Thanks everyone for the support. This place is a blessing to me!

I'm feeling incredibly down today. It feels like t is pulling the plug. The relationship she built with child parts is now swirling down the drain. And there's nothing i can do to stop it. It had to happen sometime. I knew in my heart this day was coming. That's why i fought so hard and so long not to let vulnerable parts of myself get attached to her.

It's not my t's fault. She was hoping if she gave me enough comfort and support, I would learn how to do it for myself. But it felt so good and so needed, like cool water in the desert, something i'd never had before. I didn't want to give it up. Child parts did not want to give her up. But therapy, and the therapy relationship, was never meant to be forever.

I wanted to share with you the email I sent to my t this morning.

R,

Yes, if we stop trauma work, parts will feel more abandoned. But they already feel abandoned.

The adult me understands that you have good intentions, and you want me to be strong and able to help myself. But parts feel like they have been tricked. You spent so much time to gain the trust of those parts and form a relationship with them. And now you are backing out. This has really hurt them and they don’t understand why. You always said you weren’t like everybody else who left them.

We have been at this place before, where you started withdrawing your support, and the trauma work became overwhelmingly painful. At those times, I told you how I feel, and you agreed to increase your support again. This time, I am not asking you to increase your support for child parts. If you think this is what I need, then I trust you to know. We’ve been working together for a long time.

My reason for stopping trauma work is because there are just some issues/fears that parts can’t cope with alone. Getting in touch with my fear of D dying took me to a dark desolate place where sui began to seem like an option. That’s a dangerous place for me to be, and to try to deal with alone. I realize now that there are some issues I may never be able to deal with by myself. Yet you can’t support me forever. I understand this. So I am closing the door on trauma work.

Doing the DBT book instead will be for the best, though I suspect our relationship will feel much more superficial. Still, this will allow you to continue working with the adult side of me, and hopefully that will make me stronger. It will also force child parts to get used to being without your support. Eventually, they will stop crying and learn that you can’t be their mommy, and they can’t continue looking to you to help them with their pain and attachment needs.

All of this is extremely painful for me, I don’t want to talk about it. I think I understand what you are trying to do, and know it is coming from a place of caring.

T

I apologize for bumping this to the top. I'm really struggling . . .

Peaches, you aren't as fragile as you think that you are.

How about doing some extreme sports or something and gaining strength that you can do it?

nothing. . .

nothing. . .

nothing. . .

Peaches, I have posted and posted and posted to you and so have many others here. Whatever we say bounces off of you. You are still in the same place. I was trying a different route because the other route wasn't working. You know the definition of insanity, keep trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I am not your FOO and you are clearly triggered right now. You made a huge blanket statement that I don't understand anything. Wow, I have spent so much time reading and responding to your posts over the years.

No where in my statements did I say that you should handle your pain alone. My statements were meant to direct attention to your strength. Increasing your strength cannot be a bad thing. Increasing your strength can help you use the resources around you better.

You are not powerless.

This just popped into my head. You are an island. You won't let anyone or anything in and I'm thinking that this is why you aren't progressing. You are afraid to move and this is making you feel small and powerless.

I need to go out. I'll be back in an hour.

nothing. . .

nothing...

Peaches ...

Perhaps taking a break isn't such a bad idea ...

We survivors know what we need more than anybody else ... Including our therapists ... A good one knows that and will allow us to take breaks when we feel we need to ...

I'm about to resume therapy after a 3 year hiatus ... It's not the first time I've taken a break during my 19 year journey of healing and recovery, but it certainly is the longest one ...

When we're ready to resume therapy, we'll know ... The same therapist(s) may not be available, but there are always others when we're ready to get back to work ...

I wish you the best in your journey ... Remember above all to be Patient, Gentle & Kind with yourself ... That's the best gift we survivors can give ourselves ... No matter how long it takes ... !!!

,
Pfrog!

((((((((((((Peaches)))))))))))))

Wishing for you some relief. Lots of love sent your way. Hang in there - somehow.

I totally agree that trauma work does not have to be re traumatizing and you can do trauma work without recovering memories. Like learning to move on from trauma. Learning confidence. Etc.

I wish I had this option but I would stay fragmented if I don't process anything, so I have no choice. I am also very sensitive, like you.

I'm still trying to process in my head the situation with my t. This morning, I sent her this:

R,

I knew you were swamped this week, so you don’t need to reply to my messages. I won’t expect one. I just need to say how I feel. I know it takes time for you to read this, but I hope it’s OK – as long as I don’t ask for a reply.

You told parts that you were not going anywhere, but this does not fit with their recent experience. How would you feel if someone you felt attached to and were used to communicating with suddenly quit speaking to you? Anything you said had to be sent through a mediator, and vice versa? When you wanted to feel close to them, they told you to bond with the mediator. When you turned to them for comfort, they told you to get it from the mediator. Wouldn’t you be confused and wonder what was going on? Would you feel like that person was still present in their relationship with you? I doubt it. That’s how child parts are feeling right now.

I always knew that you wanted me to bond with myself, but I didn’t think as you helped me start doing that, that you were going to start pulling back and slowly ditch them. I thought parts had a real relationship with you that would somehow continue, even when therapy was over and we weren’t seeing each other anymore. But now it feels like the relationship was only contrived. Once I start reaching a goal, you start pulling away. Instead of having a relationship with someone I’ve learned to trust and get close to, I have a relationship with a bridge. With every step I take over the bridge, it disappears behind me. Maybe that’s how therapy is supposed to work. But it feels artificial and abandoning.

Child parts need a real relationship – not a temporary one, not an artificial one. A relationship where somebody truly cares about them and doesn’t have plans to ditch them down the road. I thought I could have that with you in our therapy relationship. But maybe it is not possible. Everything is temporary, nobody is going to stay in my life. Nobody. And nobody is going to be able to give me all the things I didn’t get from my parents, nor will anybody ever love me as much as a parent would.

Regardless of the temporary support I get from you, the bottom line is I have to be on my own, I have to meet all of the unmet needs I have inside. You will help me help myself, and then you will leave. And I’m already seeing the beginning of it.

I don’t feel like I am ready for you to pull back. Child parts aren’t ready to start letting go. But it is what it is.

T