This weekend after posting about my last session, I was determined to apologize for clinging when we hugged. After the past couple of days at work, it went out the window. However, I demonstrated (without even thinking about it) that I learned a lesson by not clinging on when we hugged today. Then again, I really didn't want to hug her after session.

Once I got in her office, she asked if I recognized my CD playing. It was. She said she told the office manager about the CD I made her after I left session and the office manager begged her to leave it there. Strange thing is, the office manager wasn't there. So either she forgot to take it with her (thus a white lie on T's part about being eager to hear it immediately) or the office manager was well-hidden. I didn't even think about this until after session.

I discussed my issues related to the changes at work extensively. I reminded T of the email I sent her last week (subject: Panicking). She said I seemed to be panicking simply out of fear and supposition, not out of anything that is true. She said I've learned a lot of skills to help me get through times like this (true). I also told her that while I didn't have much choice financially, I felt it was bad timing to be going down to one session a week. She said I was just under a lot of stress and that the point of therapy is for it to eventually end. She started talking about how everything was "God's plan" and I tuned out because I was so weary.

When she was done, I asked if I felt I needed twice a week therapy, would I be able to request that. She said yes, it would be available. I then talked about how much progress I've made over the past year; that in the fall of last year, I was at my lowest point in this round of therapy:

I was sitting in my office at work. My boss came back to see what I was doing. I knew he was in my doorway, but I didn't turn to look at him. It was about 4:30 in the afternoon and already pretty dark as the building I work in is surrounded by trees. He finally said, "I worry about people who sit in the dark." I didn't respond. He said, "Chopin, I'm serious, I worry about people who sit in the dark." Still not looking at him, I stuck my left hand out and turned on the light next to me. Realizing I wasn't going to engage him in conversation, he left. Before he came to my office, I was planning how I was going to sui.

I relayed this story for T. I choked up when I did. All she said was, "I remember that."

Okay, for all the "logically minded" folks, you may want to tune out. While I realize feelings aren't facts, I am going to express how I feel here. She stepped on several triggers here. I felt:
1. That she really did not like the CD I made her or it didn't mean that much to her.
2. Like I should never need a reminder about the skills I've learned if I'm in a tight spot.
3. That my issues weren't worth emailing about; and certainly not worth replying to.
4. That she is pushing me to be done with therapy before I'm ready.
5. Dismissed by T the entire session.

Today, I went to my safe place and it was no longer safe. This makes me very sad.