Dear T,

I'm sorry I'm frustrating you lately, and that I'm not as far along as you would like. I know you haven't told me that, but I feel it.

I cry when I think about you. Sometimes I think I'm the strong one, and you're weak, but that's only because you're so thin. I told you I wished we were starting over instead of it being almost 3 years. I liked those emails you used to send me; I read them over sometimes. I liked in the beginning when you let me stay past 90 minutes. It hurts that you changed your mind, but I know you told me early in therapy that you are like that. You said it about your kids.

I want to do better. I want to talk about other issues than how much I miss you when I'm not in therapy. Life goes on but there's a deep hurt inside of me still. I thought you were filling it up but then you stopped! That's why I feel like I want to die. I don't want you to be ordinary!!! But you ARE! We have to go back to doing something you're good at, like SE or EMDR, or just talking. But I am so sad right now. I don't know what to do about it. I have to use radical acceptance.

I think I will try the meds. If I'm depressed over and over because of my Ts, even if it's from infancy, maybe meds will help anyway. Maybe it's OCD to obsess about Ts too? If only a drug would stop the cycle!! I see it online too. I check my threads constantly and it's driving me crazy. Maybe meds will stop that too? I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better.

I am SO glad I'm in DBT but I'm starting to feel attached to DBT leader too! Why can't I control myself? This should be a happy time of my life but it's not. PLEASE help me with all of this. When I want to discuss something else, like "my appearance" and self-esteem, I think: "When I have the above stuff that feels like I'm dying, how can I discuss something else?" Maybe that's OCD too? I don't care what diagnosis I have, but I want something to make me feel better besides you or another T. Otherwise, I just want to die.

Love,
rainbow