Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T,

I'm sorry I'm frustrating you lately, and that I'm not as far along as you would like. I know you haven't told me that, but I feel it.

I cry when I think about you. Sometimes I think I'm the strong one, and you're weak, but that's only because you're so thin. I told you I wished we were starting over instead of it being almost 3 years. I liked those emails you used to send me; I read them over sometimes. I liked in the beginning when you let me stay past 90 minutes. It hurts that you changed your mind, but I know you told me early in therapy that you are like that. You said it about your kids.

I want to do better. I want to talk about other issues than how much I miss you when I'm not in therapy. Life goes on but there's a deep hurt inside of me still. I thought you were filling it up but then you stopped! That's why I feel like I want to die. I don't want you to be ordinary!!! But you ARE! We have to go back to doing something you're good at, like SE or EMDR, or just talking. But I am so sad right now. I don't know what to do about it. I have to use radical acceptance.

I think I will try the meds. If I'm depressed over and over because of my Ts, even if it's from infancy, maybe meds will help anyway. Maybe it's OCD to obsess about Ts too? If only a drug would stop the cycle!! I see it online too. I check my threads constantly and it's driving me crazy. Maybe meds will stop that too? I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better.

I am SO glad I'm in DBT but I'm starting to feel attached to DBT leader too! Why can't I control myself? This should be a happy time of my life but it's not. PLEASE help me with all of this. When I want to discuss something else, like "my appearance" and self-esteem, I think: "When I have the above stuff that feels like I'm dying, how can I discuss something else?" Maybe that's OCD too? I don't care what diagnosis I have, but I want something to make me feel better besides you or another T. Otherwise, I just want to die.

Love,
rainbow

Dear T, thanks for a better session... and letting up on the pressure to talk as soon as i arrive...

A while ago, you asked me what keeps me going, and I just shrugged.

It came it to me today.

Hatred of the ego. I aim to conquer it. Once I achieve this, I will be able to do anything. I will be absolutely perfect.

Then I won't need you.

I told you that I got trouble at work. But you don't care. So I won't care either. And I won't care that you don't care. I will continue to strive for blissful perfection that comes with not caring.

you're fired.

Please don't leave me hanging. I'm thinking the worst.
Even if it's the last email you ever send me, just tell me everything is okay.

T,

Well, I wish you'd give me some sort of sign so I'd know you've heard me or that you're okay. Even after everything, it's not like you to not respond to texts that were so important, over a couple of working days.

I really hope you're okay. That is my main concern. I'd rather you decided to ignore me and change the rules before telling me, if that meant that you're okay. Even better, I hope it's something simple like a problem with your phone.

I'm worried. Worried about finding out something bad. Worried about what is happening between us. It feels so unfair that every struggled attempt I've made to follow you're advice has gone ignored and unheard. Why so many wrong things all at once?

Just...be okay. Okay?

I have nothing to say to you.

And yes that means I have so much to say that I can't even know where to begin. It's going to take so long to sort it all out. I am afraid that it never will. I don't even know if I will be able to tell u... I might not get the chance or I might not be able to get it out.

I am feeling so lost. My safe place no longer feels right. I am wandering. Alone. I don't know where to go or who to turn to.

Dear T
I trust you. I'm willing to try something new, or different or just something else. Anything to stop me feeling this scared.
Please help me.

Dear T, i don't think you like seeing me in the daytime. sorry. thanks for scheduling the next appt for night time.
could we please talk about me... what you know and don't share. i also need to talk about my fat.
thanks for apologizing about the arrogant comment. you didn't have too, just explaining it to me was enough.
i didn't understand what you were talking about at the end. you explained it again, and i still didn't get it. so, could you try again next time please. i am sorry i am stupid sometimes.
thanks, me

dear T,

So I gave you a birthday gift that no one else could give you, and that I could not give to anyone else: I put down the tote bag for the first time in a year, and didn't hide from you.

I don't know if you can value this gift properly.

You asked me, So... how do you feel? and I said, 'exposed'.
I should have said, 'exposed, and vulnerable, but determined to trust.'

It took a lot of planning, and it cost me. To me that's a fine gift, T; I sure hope you see it that way too.

SAWE

^^^^^^^^(((((((((sawe))))))))))))^^^^^^^^^

just wanted to share, i am giving you hug #100, i have been saving it, and now i know why! you are so brave... and you have so much courage. congratulations for putting down your tote bag...

Dear T,
I have made a lot of progress over the past few weeks. I hope to print my posts and read some to you, if my printer will ever work. ?? I am looking forward to telling you what happened. It's interesting. See you soon.

I used to look at your texts and smile. It would make my day. Now, I look and I grimace. What changed?

I was going back through emails. And things changed 9/3, right before that rupture where u forgot to call me when u said that u would. But that's not why things changed. It was something else. And I don't know what. Maybe it had to do with the hip replacement in the planning, because that was your last show. Maybe when u come back, u will be like a new you. The thing is, I don't want a new u. It took me a yr to trust you. And I didn't even trust u 100%. I don't think I can last starting all over again

My friend told me that it would be too traumatizing for me to get a new t. But no one ever considered how traumatizing it would be to stay with u

Dear T,

I am scared of how bad I am feeling. I am scared because of the thoughts I am having. I need more than every other week right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of collapse

I wish there was something I could say to help you.

T,

Thanks for being you in session today. It's like I haven't seen you for a while. I don't think you realised that as soon as we were recording our session last time, it was like you were suddenly so distant and removed from me. It was like you didn't know me at all. You just repeated back what I said and listed techniques for me to try. You talked at me and not to me. It was awful.

So thanks for being you today. I even loved it when I was talking about a morbid topic with you and you closed your eyes and blocked your ears and kept repeating that you didn't want to hear any more. It was like you were you and I was me...and it was a lot better. Please stay like that. I need the relationship. I need feelings (not just facts).

Dear T,

I really need you and I have so much to tell you right now. I just don't think I will be able to get the words out when I am sitting in your office. I wish you could get inside my head and know everything about me. I want to share everything with you but my words get stuck because I fear so much that you might not like me if you really knew me. I want to control what you think of me. You say you are really fond of me, I don't want that to change.

Thank you.

I am tired. And confused. I have enlisted the help of my teachers, but I don't want to come off as taking advantage of the system, or anything like that. I feel like I'm burdening them with the things that I should be talking to you about. I know that they are thankful that I took the initiative. But... I don't want to wear out my welcome

T,

It's such a shame that I have to wait for over a week before my next appointment. It's not at a good time, when it feels like you're not out there for me anymore, and everything in life is pilling up and stressful. I'm not managing my studies. I don't know if my horse will be okay. You're not out there. It's a long, long time to be so, so alone.

Please come back?

I do appreciate your seeing me everyday this week, except Wednesday - boo. I just felt rushed today. I didn't like only having 1:26:24 - it sucked. Nevertheless, I'll see you on Thursday.

A friend recommended an article, and I think it might be interesting for you to read, too. I could relate to some of it.. I want to send it, but I'm thinking I should wait 'til you get back. Maybe I'll print it out. I had a good talk with the other T today. Feeling a little more positive. Maybe he can help me/us sort this out, if you still want to. I hope so.

It's strange not to be emailing you my post-session thoughts..

I'm really struggling and need help. Monday seems so far away

The voice mail you left me was so helpful. Thank you.

Dear T,

I overthink our sessions and our relationship waayyyy too much.