With the prof I had I wanted to cry everytime I was in class because I felt like a failure. So that was different however I did view her as a strong woman in her drive and accomplishments in life. Something I admired. I also did see her weakness of being insecure.

With the group therapist I'm assigned to I really like her. I think I have a lot to gain from her 'no nonsense' yet empathetic style. When she has group she sticks to the guidelines of that particular group where the other therapist is flexible. Having said that I also feel like she's almost calculating and cold in her form of speech. I think what she has to say however is very thought provoking and she is very insightful (I discovered through her observations of me that I am obsessive about things - something my husband was happy to hear ). She also said that I fight my emotions to try and control them. I know what I can do to cope with my emotions so instead of embracing the coping skills and dealing with the emotions in a evolving way I try forcing myself through the emotion by using the coping skills I know. - this is something I need to work on. - accepting/feeling my emotions before trying to cope with them. I find that I fear emotion. I also learned that events like on Friday are triggers for me and bring up the feelings associated with my traumas.

She's More insightful than my own therapist in many ways. On my first day in the program the group therapist was saying an observation about another group member that I felt was offensive. I'm thinking that perhaps with that being one of my first impressions I was nervous about her. She also gets irritated by the sound of wrappers in group (I do to so I'm glad she has rules about that). I don't know if it's her rigidity perhaps that reminds me of my mother? There is a perceived coldness about this therapist that I can relate to being like my mom. However this therapist has smiled at me and said hello when passing me in the hallway and has said some very nice things to me based on what I've contributed to the group. I also feel just by her looking at me she is going to see something in me that's horrible and I find that terrifying. Perhaps I'm afraid she's going to see the feelings I hold onto and then reject me much the way I was rejected by my mother. My mother never protected me from my abuser. I was always afraid of her finding out about my secret. For example my mother always handled situations like me being bullied at school by scaring me into being physically aggressive with the bullies the next day. "Beat them or be beaten by me." she would say.

Just some thoughts I'm trying to process...... Thank you for reading