Very low self-esteem has been a huge problem all my life, but I'm at the point now where I don't really even want to change.

I'm almost masochistic. I know better, I know I can change, I know a lot of what I can do in order to change, but part of me doesn't want to change. I want to separate from people, I want to be alone, I want everyone to do better than me, I want to be a lowlife, I want to be rejected scorned and even hated, I want to be singled out and despised, I want to fail, I want to be a nobody.

And I don't really know why, but at the same time, I don't really want to know why either.

Lol I'm screwed up.