Incredibly low self-esteem but don't want to get better?

Very low self-esteem has been a huge problem all my life, but I'm at the point now where I don't really even want to change.

I'm almost masochistic. I know better, I know I can change, I know a lot of what I can do in order to change, but part of me doesn't want to change. I want to separate from people, I want to be alone, I want everyone to do better than me, I want to be a lowlife, I want to be rejected scorned and even hated, I want to be singled out and despised, I want to fail, I want to be a nobody.

And I don't really know why, but at the same time, I don't really want to know why either.

Lol I'm screwed up.

Perhaps, but the fact that you want to talk about it indicates that you want something to change.

It seems like you have felt so down for so long that you have accepted your version of who you see yourself as. It seems to me that you feel that it is almost easier to just accept your negative view of yourself, than to allow yourself to believe otherwise.

Self-esteem is mental, and if you are already resigned to the idea that you're a "lowlife" its fairly clear that, your thoughts are where your path to higher self esteem would begin.

You're not screwed up, you're doing the best with the cards you were dealt, you're here aren't you? Chin up