Bailey again, 18.

I am stuck. I almost feel like I shouldn't talk to my boyfriend during the week to feel better. We only see each other Thurs. Fri. Sat. (Sun. sometimes) Only because I'm focusing on school.

We had a fight the other day about my trust issues. I can't trust myself to trust him. I know he wouldn't do anything deep down. I'm just used to "investigating" and I'm always feeling like there is something I don't know. I hate that feeling. We have gotten to the point where I know if I don't fix this, we don't have a future together.

During that fight he was saying how I'm not happy. I'm not happy with myself. So how can I be in a relationship if I'm unhappy and can't trust myself? I know he's right. I almost feel like space will help a little bit to clear my mind. But how do I build up happiness and trust with myself?


I know where this all comes from. My trust issues come from my dad never being there when I was growing up. My mom was/is very hostile and I'm her punching bag. I had to take care of her when I was growing up because of health conditions. Recently, my father left without a word. Came back. Repeated that every couple months. Now he's finally out and I talked to him about getting me out of my house because of the conditions I live in and he told he he's been with this girl for 8 year and they could get me out together. At first I believed him, and I trusted him to get me out. It's been 7 months and he still has not gotten out of here. That just kind of reopened a wound of him never being there when I was growing up.

I want to see a therapist, but no one really knows (except for my boyfriend) how bad this is. I'm kind of seeing a counselor, but it's more casual talking about my future, and no real serious talk. That's why I'm on here. I want to love myself and trust myself so I can be happy in my relationship and in my life. I want to have control of my life and emotions. Thank you.