Where Do I Begin?

Bailey again, 18.

I am stuck. I almost feel like I shouldn't talk to my boyfriend during the week to feel better. We only see each other Thurs. Fri. Sat. (Sun. sometimes) Only because I'm focusing on school.

We had a fight the other day about my trust issues. I can't trust myself to trust him. I know he wouldn't do anything deep down. I'm just used to "investigating" and I'm always feeling like there is something I don't know. I hate that feeling. We have gotten to the point where I know if I don't fix this, we don't have a future together.

During that fight he was saying how I'm not happy. I'm not happy with myself. So how can I be in a relationship if I'm unhappy and can't trust myself? I know he's right. I almost feel like space will help a little bit to clear my mind. But how do I build up happiness and trust with myself?


I know where this all comes from. My trust issues come from my dad never being there when I was growing up. My mom was/is very hostile and I'm her punching bag. I had to take care of her when I was growing up because of health conditions. Recently, my father left without a word. Came back. Repeated that every couple months. Now he's finally out and I talked to him about getting me out of my house because of the conditions I live in and he told he he's been with this girl for 8 year and they could get me out together. At first I believed him, and I trusted him to get me out. It's been 7 months and he still has not gotten out of here. That just kind of reopened a wound of him never being there when I was growing up.

I want to see a therapist, but no one really knows (except for my boyfriend) how bad this is. I'm kind of seeing a counselor, but it's more casual talking about my future, and no real serious talk. That's why I'm on here. I want to love myself and trust myself so I can be happy in my relationship and in my life. I want to have control of my life and emotions. Thank you.

I really do recommend that you see a "real" therapist who can help you work through your childhood issues. I think that would cut through a lot of time. However, in the meantime and while there, you can still post here and we can support you and talk about what you are going through with your boyfriend. It sounds like at least you have a head start, since you have insight into your issues and what likely caused them.

Does your boyfriend know about your past? You might consider sharing some of it. He might understand you better then. And talking with a counselor in the meantime, too, will help you, so I'm glad you're doing that.

Yes, I have talked to him about it and he's aware. I really don't think he understands how deeply it has effected me. I know he gets frustrated sometimes because of how much I struggle and I sometimes get him involved. He's always there for me though.

I am going to get help as soon as I can afford it.